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Whether you know someone who is struggling with an addiction or you are a professional working in the field, it can be challenging to help someone recover from an addiction.
Addiction can destroy relationships, trust is often strained, and everyone involved can often feel confused and hopeless.
Working in the addiction field, I continue to learn more every day about how to be helpful to someone with an addiction. Recently, my colleague Diana recommended a great book on the subject, so I thought I would summarize the lessons here.
The book is called The Casework Relationship. Although it was originally written in 1957 for social workers learning how to build effective relationships with their clients, the lessons are just as powerful today. In fact, many of the lessons have been recently validated by empirical studies on motivational interviewing.
If you are working in the addiction field, the lessons in this book can help you strengthen your relationship with your clients, contributing to more effective treatment.
If you are attempting to help a friend or relative, the lessons in this book can help you maintain a supportive, yet balanced, relationship with the individual.
It is important to note that if you are using these lessons to help a friend or loved one that you make sure you have taken care of your own needs first. Codependency is a common problem, further contributing to the addiction.
In addition, if you are not working in a professional capacity, the goal is to use the lessons to help someone seek treatment or support them in their recovery. It is not meant to serve as a substitute for treatment.
So how do you help someone with an addiction?
According to The Casework Relationship, a helpful relationship to someone with an addiction consists of the following principles:
Respect their individuality
Hold Space for them to express emotions
Control your emotional involvement
Maintain an accepting nonjudgmental attitude
Maintain their self-determination through collaboration
Let’s explore what each of these principles means and how you can apply them to your own situation.
Respect their Individuality
The principle of individualization means recognizing the person you are helping as an individual with unique characteristics.
When helping someone with an addiction, it may be tempting to rely on stereotypes. Just using the word “addict”, “alcoholic”, or “gambler”, we tend to think of specific characteristics.
Although diagnostic labels can be useful, we should never mistake the label for the person underneath it. For example, simply assuming someone is reckless or thrill-seeking because they have a gambling addiction neglects the fact that some people use gambling as a way to escape rather than for thrills.
When we make assumptions about a person based on rigid preconceived categories, we fail to see their reality. When we fail to see their own unique and specific situation, we fail to understand their perspective, causing frustration and a sense of disconnection.
When helping someone with an addiction, it is important to not conflate the person with a category, maintaining a person to person relationship. This will allow you to get to the root of their own experience and help them meet their own unique needs.
It is easy to assume we know someone based on a label. For example, when learning someone identifies as a “problem gambler”, it is easy to assume they are primarily gambling to acquire more money. But this assumption falls short since the primary unmet need is often something else.
When someone takes drugs or alcohol, it is easy to assume the substance is the problem, when in reality, the substance is that person’s short-term solutionto an underlying problem.
By carefully listening to the person, we can accurately understand their own specific unmet needs driving them to cope through short-term relief.
Once this understanding has been established, the principle of individualization also means maintaining personal boundaries. Specifically, this means not doing things for the person that they can do for themselves. It may also require letting them fail so they can feel the natural consequences of their actions.
Respecting the person’s individual autonomy helps them learn new skills and build self-efficacy, leading to greater motivation in the long term.
Hold Space for Them to Express Emotions
The principle of “purposeful expression of feelings” means holding space for the person. This requires careful listening without discouraging painful emotions.
We may be discouraging them from expressing painful emotions without even realizing it. When someone is actively expressing painful emotions such as anger or grief, our immediate reaction may be to reach for the metaphorical fire extinguisher. We want to tell them “everything will be okay… don’t worry about it… don’t cry… think positive!”
Through these subtle discouragements, we are inadvertently telling the person that it is not okay to feel these emotions. When the emotions become stifled rather than expressed, they are not fully processed and avoidance becomes a way to escape.
Addictions are a common way of avoiding painful emotions. So by subtly reinforcing discomfort with painful emotions, we are perpetuating the cycle of addiction.
Helping someone with an addiction requires connecting with our deepest human motivators. Since human beings are largely driven by emotions, suppressing them does not help someone change their motivations.
Although emotional regulation is an important skill to develop, helping someone change their behavior requires the helper to remain with whatever emotion is coming to the surface at that time. It requires holding space for that emotion while remaining fully engaged and present in the interaction without attempts to minimize it, change the subject, or give reassurance.
By holding space for painful emotions, we help the person process these emotions, in addition to helping them feel a sense of safe non-judgmental presence.
Control Your Emotional Involvement
The principle of “controlled emotional involvement” means maintaining careful attention to the person’s emotions, knowing how to appropriately respond in a way that is helpful.
Although it is helpful to hold space for the other person’s painful emotions, it is not helpful if we get completely wrapped up in these emotions ourselves. In the book Against Empathy, Paul Bloom argues how empathy can be counterproductive.
Since empathy refers to feeling the emotions of another person, imagine going to a therapist who feels everything you feel. If you’re anxious, they become anxious as well. If you’re depressed, they begin to feel depressed too. You’d soon be quite concerned and perhaps feel worse for burdening this person with your problems.
When helping a loved one, it is easy for our emotions to become reactive. Our underlying fear may manifest as anger, driving the other person away.
The principle of controlled emotional involvement doesn’t mean being cold and detached. It requires being fully engaged and attuned to the other person’s emotions, demonstrating an accurate understanding of their situation. Controlled emotional involvement means being empathetic, but feeling a small amount of the person’s emotional state rather than being consumed by it.
The issue is not empathy. The issue is unrestrained empathy without personal boundaries. It is helpful to demonstrate an accurate understanding of the person’s inner world, allowing them to feel felt. It is also helpful to be grounded in your own self, serving as a solid support and guide for the other person.
Controlled emotional involvement helps you maintain a healthy personal boundary. Becoming overly involved is common among codependent persons. In this case, the over-involvement is not only unhelpful but can be actively destructive for both yourself and the other person.
The key here is to accept what you cannot change rather than making your emotional state dependent on the other person’s success.
This leads us to the next point.
Maintain an Accepting Non-judgmental Attitude
Acceptance refers to accepting the other person as they are, not as you wish them to be.
This does not mean we need to give up hope for an improved future. It means accepting their current state as a starting point and meeting them where they are. This state is most similar to Carl Rogers’ concept of “unconditional positive regard“.
This is primarily an attitude of non-judgment, openness, and psychological flexibility. It means recognizing that the other person as the primary expert on their own life. Tapping into their knowledge and resources requires creating a safe interpersonal environment.
We are all highly sensitive to feeling judged by others. When talking about issues underlying addiction, this is no different. If we display the slightest bit of judgment or criticism, the other person will quickly close up and isolate.
Isolation is such a common issue among persons suffering from an addiction because of the shame associated with it. When demonstrating a judgmental attitude, we drive the person further into isolation, increasing the desire to cope through an addiction.
Again, acceptance is an interpersonal attitude, not a moral stance. It does not mean accepting unacceptable behavior. We still need to maintain personal boundaries and be clear when these boundaries are violated. Acceptance does not mean accepting bad behavior; it means accepting the person underneath all of it.
Acceptance, or unconditional positive regard, can be quite difficult when someone presents particularly annoying, stubborn, or frustrating behaviors. It is tempting to react with judgment, criticism, or arguments.
One tool I’ve found helpful is to distinguish the behavior from the underlying issues. For example, if someone begins angrily sharing a conspiracy theory about how slot machines work, it is tempting to judge them and argue the facts. I’ve fallen into this trap many times, but it is never helpful.
In keeping with the spirit of acceptance, I’ve learned that underneath anger is often pain or fear. Instead of automatically reacting and engaging them on the level of their anger, I’ve found it helpful to ask about the underlying issues.
For example, when hearing a casino conspiracy theory, I now tend to ask, “what brings you to the casino?” Stated in a neutral curious tone, it conveys acceptance, allowing the other person to open up about their actual motivations and issues.
Acceptance is not a moral position whereby anything goes. It is a useful interpersonal attitude, increasing the chances you will be helpful to someone with an addiction.
Maintain Their Self-determination Through Collaboration
When helping someone change, you may feel tempted to take control. If they fail to act, you feel frustrated, wondering why they won’t listen to your advice and why they keep needing your support when the path is so clearly laid out.
Out of anger, you may temporarily ignore them or resort to tough love. You may try to manipulate them using bribes, threats, or ultimatums. You may even take responsibility for them, filling out forms or making phone calls on their behalf.
So how do you help someone change when they seem to be resisting all of your well-intended efforts? Collaborate with them.
Collaboration is like a dance. We give and take, meeting the person where they are, guiding the flow of the dance while remaining in harmony with one another. The goal is to guide them toward action, not force them into submission.
To use another metaphor, we must be like travel agents of change. We may be experts on the matter, but we can never really know what kind of trip will be best for the individual until we collaborate with them.
Even when the plans are set and the trip is booked, it is not our job to go on the trip with them. If things get rocky on the trip, they can call us for support, but it is not our responsibility to fly out to rescue them.
People need space to feel empowered when making changes. When we become confrontational controllers, we disempower people, making them feel incompetent.
When we collaborate with them, guiding the change-process, we empower them to take responsibility for changing, giving them the ability to see small rewards accumulate by their own volition. As these rewards start to accumulate, motivational momentum snowballs into action.
Recall what it feels like when a parent or significant other lectures you regarding one of your shortcomings. You may feel anger, resentment, or perhaps a sense of guilt. If these difficult emotions spur you to action, the result is usually only short term. You do whatever it takes to get rid of these emotions but fall back into your default way of acting. Lecturing and criticism may be a Band-Aid solution, but it fails to get to the core of the issue, leaving the person feeling disempowered.
Like a travel agent, the best way to collaborate with someone is to ask them questions. For example, notice the difference in tone between the two following statements: You’re so lazy! Stop procrastinating and get your work done vs. It looks like you’re really struggling. What are some things you can do to get started on your work?
Collaboration solves underlying issues by encouraging a problem-solving mindset rather than spurring temporary action driven by the desire to avoid criticism.
When helping people change, you are often tempted to take the lead. We want to direct them on how to make the change, tell them what they need to do, and perhaps even begin doing some of it for them.
We may find ourselves working harder than the other person, wondering why they won’t take control over their life. If we find ourselves in this situation it may feel like we are helping, but we have become part of the problem.
When you over-help you take away the other person’s power. You take away their sense of autonomy, a core psychological need. When you do this, you are taking away a significant amount of their intrinsic motivation without even realizing it.
To avoid this form of counterproductive helping, you need to focus on building the other person’s sense of power. In short, empowerment is the product of collaboration.
Conclusion
Let’s review how each of the elements discussed thus far come together to create the optimal conditions when helping someone with an addiction.
Respect their individuality to get to their unique issues rather than assuming these issues based on a specific label.
Hold Space for them to express emotions to create a safe environment where they can share and work through difficult emotions.
Control your emotional involvement to maintain a helpful and grounded presence rather than becoming reactive or overly involved in a codependent way.
Maintain an accepting nonjudgmental attitude to build trust and reduce the sense of shame and isolation.
Maintain their self-determination through collaboration to increase motivation in addition to maintaining healthy personal boundaries.
None of these principles guarantee change. They simply increase the odds that change will happen by creating a helpful interpersonal environment to engage the other person in helpful conversations about change.
If you don’t see the results you want, it is important to take a step back, maintain your own self-care, and be able to accept the fact that you don’t have control over someone’s behavior. You can only be the most helpful version of yourself.
If you’re interested in learning more, you can read my short book on the topic:
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Do you feel that buzzing in your pocket?
Maybe someone liked the photo I just posted… Maybe it’s an important email… maybe he finally texted me back…
You can’t resist, so you take a peek.
No notifications.
But I swore I felt something! Why didn’t he text me back?? Why didn’t my picture get any likes??
You try to go about your day, but deep down, you’re wondering if everyone else just has it easier than you.
If you’re tired of feeling like a slave to your social media, you’re not alone.
According to a survey, internet users are spending around two and a half hours a day on social media.
So how can you spend less time on social media?
Remove triggers from your environment
Consider using an app to track and limit your use
Find alternate forms of communication
Reconnect with hobbies
Consider trying a digital detox
Let’s explore what each of these things looks like in more detail.
Remove triggers from your environment.
Turn off push notifications.
One of the most significant environmental triggers to check social media are push notifications.
These are the constant automatic updates on likes, requests, emails, and instant messages, often coming with a ding or a buzz.
Turning off push notifications can free you from constant distracting updates, giving you more control over when you check your social media.
There are two ways you can limit push notifications: 1) from the app and 2) from your device.
Here is a step-by-step guide to turning off push notifications on the Facebook app:
Go to the dropdown menu:
Go to Settings and Privacy:
Go to Your Time on Facebook:
Go to Change Notification Settings:
Go to Push Notifications:
From there, you can also turn off email or text notifications, if you are receiving those as well.
If you are interested in setting a limit on your Facebook use, luckily, Facebook has an option for that as well.
Go back to the previous section, Your Time on Facebook, then go to Set Daily Reminder:
From this menu, you can enter precisely how long you would like to spend on Facebook before it sends you a reminder to take a break:
Although Facebook has these advanced features, check the notification settings on your other favorite apps to limit the notifications they send you.
If you don’t want to go into each app, here is a shortcut:
You can control how your device notifies you by going into your phone’s settings and turning off notifications for each app you no longer want to see notifications from.
Since the instructions on how to do this may vary depending on your device, I would advise you to ask google for help with this one if you’re unsure.
Lastly, merely putting your phone on silent (without vibrations) more often can also do the trick.
Remove shortcuts from your browser or phone’s home screen.
Do you ever find yourself opening Facebook mindlessly?
I used to sometimes close Facebook, just to find myself opening it again a second later. So removing it from any easily accessible shortcut locations might be another way to avoid the mindless clicking/ tapping.
By opening Facebook less, you are less likely to be mindlessly drawn into its voyeuristically seductive stream of endless content.
I actually ran into this issue when writing this post. When going onto Facebook to get the screenshots for this article, I found myself drawn into the newsfeed, forgetting why I was there in the first place.
I ended up closing the app, quickly realizing I needed to get the screenshots. I opened the app again, being immediately drawn to read a couple status updates, before finally pulling myself away and getting the screenshots.
Apps like Facebook are designed and optimized to grab your attention and hold it as long as possible. If you don’t remove the constant triggers to check it, you may find yourself in the endless newsfeed rabbit-hole more often than you may like.
Consider using an app to track and limit your use.
If you want to get a sense of how often you are using each app on your phone, I highly recommend apps like Digital Wellbeing for android.
It also makes it very easy to turn off your social media app notifications directly from the app itself, so you don’t have to dig through your phone’s settings or open each app.
If you’re using an Apple product, you can use the Screen Time app:
If you would like a little extra power to limit your social media use, you can use the Stay Focused app. Although it may be a bit ironic to use an app to block apps, it can help you stay in control by specifically limiting when and how long you spend on any specific app:
If you are using an Apple product, you can try Moment to balance your screen time:
These apps give you back your time by making it easy to track and limit your screen time on each app.
But what if you need to communicate with people?
This is where the next old fashioned lesson comes in handy.
Find alternate forms of communication.
Rather than always communicating over social media, perhaps consider using direct messaging on social media as a way to schedule phone calls or in-person meetups.
This way, social media is a tool to enhance your social life, rather than take away from it.
Social media connects us with a high higher quantity of individuals than ever before, but we can’t forget the quality of connection.
When we talk about spending some “quality time” with someone, we typically don’t think about chatting with them over social media.
Reconnect with hobbies
Since a great deal of social media use is triggered by boredom, it is important to consider connecting with a hobby.
Remember the days before social media? If you’re old enough to remember these times, what did you do for fun? Or is there something you once loved to do, but lost touch within recent years?
If you’re going to be using social media less, you’re going to be doing something else more. Without having a plan for what you’re going to do instead, it is a lot easier to fall back into your current habits.
If you want some hobby ideas, there is a great list here.
Consider trying a digital detox.
Yes, this is a real thing.
I first heard of the digital detox back in 2010 when a friend of mine and I decided to try giving up all things digital. It didn’t last too long, but all I can remember is a sense of things being generally quieter. Driving longer distances without the radio on was quite the experience.
Although doing away with all things digital may be may not be possible unless you’re on some kind of silent retreat, there are other forms of digital detox that might be helpful.
Perhaps you can try putting your phone on airplane mode and disabling the wifi for a period of time or part of each day.
Another form of digital detox might mean deleting Facebook or another form of social media for a period of time. A 2016 study found that quitting Facebook actually made people happier:
“By comparing the treatment group (participants who took a break from Facebook) with the control group (participants who kept using Facebook), it was demonstrated that taking a break from Facebook has positive effects on the two dimensions of well-being: our life satisfaction increases and our emotions become more positive. Furthermore, it was demonstrated that these effects were significantly greater for heavy Facebook users, passive Facebook users, and users who tend to envy others on Facebook.”
Conclusion
Hopefully, this article offered some helpful strategies for decreasing the amount of time you spend on social media.
Although the amount of time spent on social media can often be an issue for people, it is not necessarily the primary indicator that social media use is problematic.
The most significant risk for problematic use is how you are using social media.
This is a topic I explore in my super in-depth article on social media use where I dig through the research on healthy vs. unhealthy ways we social media.
Over the last few years working in problem gambling prevention, I’ve come to see the importance of stopping a problem before it starts.
Preventing a gambling addiction saves a great deal of money, time, and effort in the long run. Although there are huge benefits to prevention, it is one of the most neglected aspects of addiction.
A quick google search on how to prevent a gambling addiction will show you that all of the other articles on this topic focus on treatment and quitting.
Focusing solely on treatment and neglecting prevention is like trying to fix an overflowing sink by mopping up the floor. If you had only focused on preventing the problem in the first place, you might not be in this mess.
How do you prevent a gambling addiction?
Set a money limit before gambling
Set a time limit on your gambling
Play for entertainmentrather than making money
Understand how the games work.
Let’s take a closer look at what this means, in terms of gambling in a casino environment.
Set a Money Limit
Bring a set amount of cash and leave cards at home.
Leaving your cards at home and bringing a set amount of cash to budget for you gambling is effective because it prevents you from spending more than you initially intended.
Leaving your cards at home also prevents you from making frequent trips to the ATM to withdraw cash, saving you on ATM fees.
How do you set your budget?
Consider the value of gambling as a form of entertainment. This will be different for everyone. How much would you normally spend on a night out for entertainment?
Whatever budget you decide on, expect to spend the full amount.
Why expect to spend the full amount?
First off, because it is the most likely scenario when gambling against a casino that has a built-in advantage over the player.
Also, the psychology of expecting to spend your full budget keeps you from a sense of disappointment and the temptation to try to win back the money you spent by gambling more.
Set an upper limit.
Ever find yourself ahead, just to put the money back in and spend it all?
This is a more advanced form of budgeting that might be helpful if you find yourself ahead and want to be able to walk away.
Setting an upper limit means setting a number you would be happy to leave with if you find yourself ahead.
For example, if you set an upper limit of $20 and you find yourself $30 ahead, you could continue to play, stopping when you are down to $20 ahead.
By setting an upper limit, you increase the odds that you will stop while you are ahead.
Although it is still helpful to maintain the mindset that you will be spending your full budget, sometimes it is nice to have clear boundaries of when you would like to walk away when you are ahead.
Use a Separate Wallet.
This is a useful strategy, especially if you’ve recently come out ahead. Using a separate wallet for your gambling cash separates the extra money you are able to spend on gambling from your everyday budget.
Having this “fun money” wallet also helps you keep track of when you are in a surplus. This way, your gambling budget can sometimes be completely independent of your regular entertainment budget.
Set a Time Limit
Plan your visit beforehand.
Gambling is different than going to a movie or a restaurant because it does not have a built-in time-frame. If the venue is open 24 hours and you have access to enough cash, you can technically continue playing indefinitely.
Before going to the venue, have a specific time-frame in mind,
Set an alarm as a reminder.
It is very easy to lose track of time in a casino. They are often designed to be disorienting, lacking natural lighting and clocks.
Since it is so easy to lose track of time, it could be useful to set a reminder on your phone of the time you intend on leaving. That way, you can focus on the entertainment, but also know when you intended on leaving.
Consider how often you would like to gamble.
Besides the amount of time spent during each visit, it is also important to consider your gambling frequency. Is this an activity you would prefer to relegate to weekends? Special occasions? Or a set number of days per week?
Play For Entertainment
Expect to spend all of the money you bring.
When gambling, expect to spend all of the money you have budgeted for the activity. It is the most likely scenario in the long run because the casino has an advantage in every game.
This is a useful frame of mind when gambling because it keeps you in the mindset that gambling is a form of entertainment. Therefore, when you spend your full budget, you are less likely to be disappointed and try to win back your money by gambling more.
If you come out ahead, it is a bonus. Even breaking even when gambling is still beating the odds.
Keeping your expectations in check keeps gambling an entertainment activity.
Don’t chase your losses.
This is one of the biggest risk factors for going beyond your gambling budget.
It may be tempting to keep playing to earn back the money you had already spent, but the casino always has the advantage in the long run. The longer you chase your losses, the more likely you will continue spending.
Realize when it is not fun anymore.
Like any other form of entertainment, gambling can be fun in moderation when you feel a sense of control over the activity.
When you begin to lose a sense of control over gambling and find yourself trying to win money back, it can be extremely frustrating. It is not uncommon for players to physically assault slot machines.
Someone actually told me today they prefer when they don’t have any money because they don’t have to worry about gambling.
Instead of a form of entertainment, gambling can take over someone’s life, not allowing them to focus on other things that are important to them. Keeping a close watch on whether this is still a form of entertainment may be helpful
Understand How the Games Work
It’s always random.
It is a common myth that there are hot or cold slot machines. All of the games in casinos need to have random outcomes. Therefore, anything you do to gain an advantage over the casino will not work. This includes trying to track the previous results or waiting for someone to leave a slot machine that hasn’t paid out in a while.
Fun Fact: on slot machines, the outcome is determined by a computer chip called a Random Number Generator (RNG) that is constantly running, even when no one is playing the machine!
The house always wins.
Although the outcome is random on every game, the casino doesn’t pay you the amount of money you should get for the odds of a winning outcome. Put simply, casinos often have a five to ten percent advantage over the player, depending on the game.
Since the casino has this built-in advantage, the longer you play, the more you are likely to spend, even if you find yourself ahead in the short-term.
Understand the game you are playing.
It is important to understand the game you are playing so you can feel in control of your bets. Although you can’t control the outcome, you can control exactly how much you bet.
Although slot machines are simple to bet on, they can be deceiving. Although you may be playing a penny machine, you will not be betting a penny per spin. These machines allow you to bet on multiple lines, often resulting in a max bet over $5 per spin.
If you don’t realize you are betting more than you intended, you may be disappointed when you run out of money within a few short minutes. It can then be tempting to take out more money to prolong your gambling.
Be aware of how the games work and make sure you are clear about the amount you are wagering on each bet. That way, you can may sure your budget will cover the entirety of your intended gambling session.
Conclusion
Preventing a gambling addiction before it starts requires setting a money limit, setting a time limit, playing for entertainment, and understanding how the games work.
Although these lessons are most relevant to gambling in a casino environment, many of the same rules still apply with any other form of gambling, whether it is online, lottery or sports betting.
Gambling is a form of entertainment that can turn into an addiction when it starts to have a harmful impact on someone’s life.
Like drugs or alcohol, gambling is often used as a way to cope with life stress. It can be used to escape boredom, loneliness, grief, or anxiety.
If you do have concerns about your gambling and are looking for help, you can contact your local problem gambling helpline for information on where to find local resources.
If you are in the U.S., a gambling helpline listing can be found here.
If you are in Canada, a gambling helpline listing can be found here.
We all know a friend or loved one who needs to make some changes in their life. You may have tried to offer this person advice, tough love, or give up altogether, feeling powerless.
You see them heading down a road to self-destruction, but don’t know what else we can say or do to make them change.
Can you change someone’s behavior?
You can’t change people, but there are things we can do to help them change themselves. This involves listening, developing empathy, and asking questions to help them figure out their own reasons for change.
Working in the addiction field has taught me invaluable lessons on the power of communication to help people gain motivation for change.
Do More Listening and Less Talking
This is the art of holding space.
Holding space is the foundation to effectively helping people who are looking to change a behavior, grieve a loss, or explore options for the future. You can have all the best techniques, but if you are not effectively holding space, they will likely be ineffective.
Holding space is a concept that has become popular in the counseling field and simply means being present with the other person, creating a non-judgmental environment, and allowing the other person to work through their thoughts and emotions.
In our fast-paced world, we often turn into efficient problem-solvers, analyzing, focusing, and fixing, feeling as if we are not doing enough if we are not always doing something.
This approach to counseling originated with Carl Rogers’ humanistic psychotherapy. Watch “Carl Rogers and Gloria to see a true master of holding space.
When you hold space for someone else, you offer them the gift of your presence. You provide them with support without taking their power away. You are simply there, present and highly engaged.
At its core, holding space creates a sense of safety in the other person. They feel safe to express their authentic thoughts, feelings, and desires without feeling shut down, ignored, or judged.
Once you have engaged someone on this level, you have formed the foundation of a helpful relationship and are ready to explore potential paths toward change.
Collaborate Rather Than Control
When helping someone change, you may feel tempted to take control. If they fail to act, you feel frustrated, wondering why they won’t listen to your advice and why they keep needing our support when the path is so clearly laid out.
Out of anger, you may temporarily ignore them or resort to tough love. You may try to manipulate them using bribes, threats, or ultimatums. You may even take responsibility for them, filling out forms or making phone calls on their behalf.
So how do you help someone change when they seem to be resisting all of your well-intended efforts? Collaborate with them.
Collaboration is like a dance. We give and take, meeting the person where they are, guiding the flow of the dance while remaining in harmony with one another. The goal is to guide them toward action, not force them into submission.
To use another metaphor, we must be like travel agents of change. We may be experts on the matter, but we can never really know what kind of trip will be best for the individual until we collaborate with them.
Even when the plans are set and the trip is booked, it is not our job to go on the trip with them. If things get rocky on the trip, they can call us for support, but it is not our responsibility to fly out to rescue them.
People need space to feel empowered when making changes. When we become confrontational controllers, we disempower people, making them feel incompetent.
When we collaborate with them, guiding the change-process, we empower them to take responsibility for changing, giving them the ability to see small rewards accumulate by their own volition. As these rewards start to accumulate, motivational momentum snowballs into action.
Recall what it feels like when a parent or significant other lectures you regarding one of your shortcomings. You may feel anger, resentment, or perhaps a sense of guilt. If these negative emotions spur you to action, the result is usually only short term.
You do whatever it takes to get rid of the painful emotions but fall back into your default way of acting. Lecturing and criticism may be a Band-Aid solution, but it fails to get to the core of the issue, leaving the person feeling disempowered.
Like a travel agent, the best way to collaborate with someone is to ask them questions. For example, notice the difference in tone between the two following statements: You’re so lazy! Stop procrastinating and get your work done! vs. It looks like you’re really struggling. What are some things you can do to get started on your work?
Collaboration solves underlying issues by encouraging a problem-solving mindset rather than spurring temporary action driven by the desire to avoid criticism.
When helping people change, you are often tempted to take the lead. We want to direct them on how to make the change, tell them what they need to do, and perhaps even begin doing some of it for them.
We may find ourselves working harder than the other person, wondering why they won’t take control over their life. If we find ourselves in this situation it may feel like we are helping, but we have become part of the problem.
When you over-help you take away the other person’s power. You take away their sense of autonomy, a core psychological need. When you do this, you are taking away a significant amount of their intrinsic motivation without even realizing it.
To avoid this form of counterproductive helping, you need to focus on building the other person’s sense of power. In short, empowerment is the product of collaboration.
Collaborative and empowering
conversations have these key elements: unconditional positive regard, a guiding
spirit, and open-ended questions.
Unconditional positive regard is a concept used in Carl Rogers‘ humanistic psychotherapy. It requires setting aside one’s judgments about another individual, empathizing with them, and assuming the best of them. When someone irritates us, it can be difficult to have unconditional positive regard, but when we start with empathy, we can understand the context of their behaviors, not taking it personally, and not blaming them for being “bad, lazy, or stupid”. We can see them as an imperfect individual, like ourselves, striving to live a “good” life. When we have unconditional positive regard, we empower individuals to see the best in themselves, inspiring them to act accordingly.
A guiding spirit requires one to guide rather than direct. Directing people consists of telling people what to
do, whereas guiding is a form of collaboration with the other person. Guidance is like being a travel agent. You can offer feedback, but the work necessarily requires eliciting direction from the other person. Guidance empowers individuals to participate, making it more likely they will stick to a plan. We want to do things we’ve come up with, not things we have to do.
Open-ended questions empower individuals by allowing them to explore their own reasons for making a change. As opposed to closed-ended questions that only require a simple yes or no, open-ended questions give the other person power to expand on their response in their own terms. For example, notice the difference between these two scenarios:
Closed
You: Does your gambling cause you distress?
Friend Yes.
Open
You: What are some things about your gambling that cause you distress?
Friend: I feel guilty because I haven’t told my spouse about my
spending
Open-ended questions invite elaboration, empowering the individual to lead the course of the conversation.
When we know their story, we can then use further open-ended questions to guide them toward making changes, using questions such as, “what are some things you can do to start making changes in this area?”
Empowering conversations are far more likely to lead to change because we are helping the other person fulfill the basic psychological need for autonomy/ self-direction.
When people feel in control, they feel motivated. This is why the combination of unconditional positive regard, a guiding spirit, and open-ended questions is so powerful.
How to have Mindful Conversations
One of the most difficult parts of skillful communication is also the simplest: remaining present.
We may become distracted by other people walking by, other things happening in our lives, and even by our own thoughts or judgments about the other person. We can have all the conversational skills in the world, but if we do not mindfully engage, none of it matters. Here are a few tips you might consider next time your mind
starts to disengage or criticize:
Get curious. When you approach others with a sense of authentic curiosity, your mind engages, hungry for more information. This approach requires you to approach every new interaction as a student, observing
the unique social nuances, thoughts, or behaviors of others, always learning about what makes people tick. When you get curious, everything becomes a new learning experience, making the most mundane situations seem novel.
Remember that everyone has their reasons. This is particularly useful when confronted by what we may interpret as ignorance, rudeness, or hostility. When conversational violence occurs, most people react,
reflecting back the violence they receive. As skillful communicators, we can choose to act rather than react. When we remember that everyone has their own reasons why they behave the way they do, we don’t take their words personally, giving us the necessary emotional distance to engage the person with a spirit of empathy.
Pay attention to the other person’s reactions. Mindfulness practices are not simply based on presence. This is a common misconception. If this was the case, one could blunder through life but would be vindicated so long as they did it while remaining in the present moment. At its root, mindfulness demands more than just presence, it requires one to be aware of actions and reactions. What this means is an awareness beyond oneself, allowing one to notice the subtle causes and effects of one’s own behavior and the behavior of others.
This could mean noticing how your shocked facial expression may be a reaction to the person’s story. In turn, you may notice how this reaction may lead to a reaction in the other person who stops sharing, not wanting to be a burden. Being aware of reactions helps us engage in mindful conversations, understanding how we affect others, as well as how others affect us.
Mindfulness is the foundation for maintaining a collaborative spirit while holding space for another person. Without it, we may accidentally make the other person feel like a burden, causing them to clam up or react with hostility.
I learned this the hard way when speaking to a young woman who began sharing her extensive history of drug use, in addition to describing a traumatic experience in her past. After she mentioned her recent visit to the AIDS society, I was so shocked by the number of difficulties she was facing, I didn’t realize I had looked like I’d just seen a ghost.
Without being mindful of my body language, I had accidentally triggered her to immediately disengage, feeling like she was being a burden on me. She dashed out of the room, apologizing. Weighing heavy on my conscience, this situation often replays in my mind, reminding me to be mindful of how unintentional actions often provoke negative reactions from others.
It may be easier to blame others for disengaging from us, telling ourselves they just never listen, when in fact the problem may be us. Engaging mindfully means remaining present to sense the subtle interplay of action and reaction. In order to know if you are unconsciously causing others to disengage, try some of the above techniques. Getting curious helps you focus on the individual and their story, reducing the likelihood of distracting mental chatter.
Remembering that everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do helps us maintain empathy when dealing with frustrating situations. It helps us remain present and emotionally grounded, allowing us to better observe how our actions produce positive or negative reactions.
Mindfulness is the foundation to collaboratively holding space. It helps us pause before jumping in when we try to “save†the other person through tough love. It helps us maintain unconditional positive regard, creating a space where the other person feels safe to share their experiences.
Once we know how to create a space for change, we need to know what to do with it. Although it may be useful to simply hold space, especially when someone is grieving, holding space is only part of the broader process when helping people make important changes in their lives.
Beyond creating an environment for change, the next section dives into specific language techniques proven to increase motivation to change. These are powerful skills used by leading addiction councilors and have been tested by hundreds of scientific studies.
I have tried to simplify these techniques by summarizing the most important points so you can use them in your everyday interactions with individuals looking to make changes in their lives.
Those seeking change look toward the mountain ahead, ambivalent to whether they should make the trek. They want to get to the top, but are comfortable and safe on the ground.
Torn between these two competing desires, one may seek out professional advice on mountain-climbing, buy all the top-notch gear, and painstakingly plan their route, perpetually putting off the climb. This is the danger of putting the “how” before the “why”
You may know people who have procrastinated by planning perfectionist plots, while never getting to the hard work of making a change.
The problem with this approach is that it continues indefinitely, leaving the person desiring the end-goal, yet not having the level of motivation required to take action. The reason for this lack of motivation is the lack of focus on why one is pursuing a goal in the first place.
When we connect with our ownreasons for taking a course of action, we become motivated on a core emotional level, providing the necessary fuel for action.
When someone comes to us looking for advice on how to make a change, we need to pause before jumping in and offering our assistance. Is this person stuck in perpetual planning? Perhaps they already know the answer and are constantly seeking advice instead of actually of taking action.
This gives them a false sense of accomplishment without having to start the hard work of change. We all love to help others and feel important when someone asks for our advice, but perhaps we need to take a step back sometimes and ask them why they want to make this change.
In practical terms, the conversation may look like this:
Friend: I’m having difficulties with my weight and want to get back to the gym, what kind of exercises do you recommend?
You: It looks like you are interested in making some big changes; can you first tell me more about your reasons for making this change?
Possible reasons that may surface during the conversation may include the ability to healthfully care for family/ loved ones, to have more energy throughout the day, or perhaps even spiritual/religious reasons.
Whatever the reason, rather than jumping to give advice, you can help them better by first having a conversation about their reasons for change.
The best map is useless if you’re not ready to take the voyage. Talking about our why is the fastest way to build motivational momentum. Clinical studies on this technique demonstrate that getting the other person to talk about their own reasons for change correlates with increased successful outcomes.
Miller and Rollnick call this “change talk,†in their practice of motivational interviewing (MI). Studies looking at the effectiveness of this technique show “change talk†is the “active ingredient of MI.â€
Whether you use their MI technique or not, this active ingredient can be repackaged to suit your own approach to conversations about change.
So how do you get the individual to state their own reasons for change?
Listen carefully for a reason, and then reflect that reason back to them in your own words, encouraging them to continue talking about it. Here is a simple example:
Friend: I guess if I start going to the gym more often, I could take better care of my elderly mother.
You: It looks like your mother means a lot to you
Friend: Yeah, she was always there for me, so I really want to be there for her.
Whatever you reflect, you will hear more. Therefore, reflecting change talk gets you more change talk. Note that this also works in reverse. If you are not selective in your reflections, you may be encouraging more counter-change talk, keeping the person entrenched in past behaviors.
To unlock the “active ingredient” of motivation, keep your ears on alert for change talk, and
then focus your reflections, encouraging the other person to continue talking
about their own reasons for change.
Here is a simple breakdown of the different ways you can use reflection to elicit more
change talk:
Simple Reflection: this consists of reflecting the exact words or phrases used by the individual.
Example:
Friend: I feel guilty about my gambling because sometimes I spend more than I can afford and I know I should be saving my money.
You: You feel guilty when you spend more than you can afford.
When using a simple reflection, be careful not to sound like you are simply parroting the other person’s words. If done without a spirit of empathy, it can appear cold and mechanical. One way to avoid this is to remember some of the unique words or phrases used by the individual throughout the conversation and incorporate
them back into your conversation at a later point.
Labeling: this consists of simply identifying what you are observing about the other person.
Example:
*Friend appears agitated after describing failed diet attempts* You: This really frustrates you.
Complex reflection: this consists of finishing the other person’s sentences or paragraphs by guessing
what they mean. It is also one of the most powerful forms of reflection, avoiding the risks of simple reflections and labeling. The key to this technique is that the dialogue should flow as if it were a single person
speaking.
Example: Friend: When I come to the casino I find it difficult to control my spending.
You: The games are so engaging and you lose track of time.
Friend: The other day I was here for six hours and it only felt like one.
You: …and before you know it, you’re spending a lot more money than you
planned on spending.
Note that you need to sometimes go out on a limb and take a guess at what phrase may accurately represent the other person’s experience. If you are not on the mark, the other person will correct you. If they correct you, adjust your reflection to fit their experience, maintaining a spirit of empathetic concern or curiosity.
Summarizing: this requires simply summarizing everything
the other person said recently in the conversation.
Example: Friend: I tried going to a therapist to deal with my gambling because my partner was frustrated with my spending and told me I had to go, but I don’t think it helped because I keep wanting to gamble, but I also don’t want to upset my partner. I just feel lost and overwhelmed because my relationship is very important to me.
You: So you’re feeling lost and overwhelmed because you enjoy gambling, but your partner thinks you are spending too much and wants you to get help. You value your relationship so you sought help, but you feel that it was not helpful for you.
Mirroring Body language: this requires maintaining a posture and expression resembling the individual with whom you are speaking.
Example:
*Friend stands with hands half in pockets, at a 45-degree angle to you,
with a casual facial expression*
*You mirror this posture and demeanor in a way that is natural to you
and your own current state*
Note that mirroring is something humans do naturally when we are in harmony with other individuals. Therefore, becoming conscious of this instinct can allow us to be more aware of when we are not in alignment with someone.
Gently adjusting our physical presence in alignment with the other person may not only allow a better connection to develop, but it can also make us feel more open and empathetic toward the other person. In addition, note that you should adjust your body language carefully, never feeling forced or unnatural.
In summary, reflection builds connection and increases motivation by encouraging the other person to continue talking about their own reasons for change.
Rather than simply listening, asking questions, and offering feedback, incorporating a large dose of reflection into your conversations will help you better connect with others, in addition to increasing their likelihood of making a change by further exploring their why.
Get Commitment, Not Just Agreement
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that had left the other person showing commitment, but they somehow repeatedly fail to implement any lasting change? “You’re right,” they say, leaving you feeling like a conversational superhero.
It feels good to have the other person recognize we are right. But if we measure our effectiveness by the other person’s agreeableness, praise, or optimism at the end of the conversation, we are misleading ourselves. We cannot measure real change by these variables.
So, what creates real commitment to change? The answer is simple, yet often difficult to implement because it requires us to put our egos in the back seat. Rather than hearing “you’re right,” the goal is to hear “that’s right.”
Although it may sound like an inconsequential difference in wording, it can mean the difference between temporary agreement and lasting change. When someone says, “you’re right,” they are agreeing with the factual accuracy of your advice or feedback.
When someone says, “that’s right,” they are agreeing with the fact that you have identified how they are feeling. The difference is the latter is a sign of empathy.
You can make all of the factually correct suggestions in the world, but if the other person does not feel understood, they are not likely going to implement the suggestions in the long term.
Former FBI negotiator, Chris Voss, makes this distinction in his book Never Split the Difference. He recalls a time in his early years when he had been working on a suicide hotline. After one of his calls, he felt like a rock star. The man on the other side of the line showered him with “you’re right,” validating all of his hard work and skill.
With a sense of accomplishment, he leaned back in his chair after the call, expecting the same praise from his supervisor who had overheard the conversation. Rather than receiving praise, the supervisor told Chris this was one of the worst calls he’s heard. This is when he learned the difference between giving advice and giving empathy.
The key to lasting change does not lie in your ability to make the other person think you’re right. The key to lasting change lies in the ability of the other person to convince themselves through their own reasons for changing.
Rather than seeking praise and validation for your suggestions, you should be relatively invisible in the process so the other person feels like they are coming up with the suggestions and action plan on their own.
Conclusion
Let’s review how each of the elements discussed thus far come together to create the optimal conditions when helping someone change.
Holding space for someone so they can convince themselves of their reasons for changing requires us to ask open-ended questions about some of the things that are valuable to the other person. This may include topics related to core psychological needs, including mastery, autonomy, and relatedness.
When they begin sharing, we are only required to listen, reflecting these reasons back to them to ensure we are understanding them properly, in addition to observing and labeling their emotions as they share, facilitating empathy and getting to “that’s right,”.
Hopefully, this guide has provided you with some helpful tips on how to help someone change. If all else fails, remember to maintain personal boundaries. We can’t make people change, we can only offer our help.
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Is social media this generation’s heroin? Are we raising a generation of social media junkies, dropping in and out of the “real world,” always chasing that next like-button high?
I’ve dug into the research to answer the question of why we are addicted to likes on social media, and this is what I’ve found:
Likes on social media are addictive because they affect your brain, similar to taking chemical substances. Likes symbolize a gain in reputation, causing you to constantly compare yourself to your peers.
Let’s look at the research in more depth.
Also, if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, you can check out my resource page for suggestions on how to find help.
What’s Happening In Your Brain?
Although it seems harmless, recent evidence suggests that social media use activates the same reward centers in the brain triggered by addictions to chemical compounds.
Even though we are not consuming a chemical, compulsive social media use can be classified as an addiction. So if social media use can be classified as an addiction, what does it do to your brain?
Recent neurological research points to the importance of the brain’s reward-circuit. Meshi et al. (2013) used functional neuroimaging data to uncover the impact of Facebook use on the nucleus accumbens; the brains pleasure-center within the reward-circuitry:
“…reward-related activity in the left nucleus accumbens predicts Facebook use.”
Also, they found “gains in reputation” to be the primary reward stimulus. The brain’s mechanism for processing self-relevant gains in reputation through Facebook use mirrors the reward circuitry activated through addiction to psychotropic substances.
According to Polk (2015), addiction fundamentally results from a prediction error in the brain. When the nucleus accumbens is stimulated beyond an expectation, the ventral tegmental area (VTA) releases dopamine, encouraging learning, as held by the Rescorla-Wagner model. Polk emphasizes the role of dopamine as a neurotransmitter associated with craving and reward expectation, putting individuals at risk of compulsive behaviors when reencountering a trigger associated with the potential reward.
This reward circuitry applies to digital addictions such as Facebook through the stimulus of unexpected gains in perceived reputation when sharing a piece of content.
Likes, comments, and shares are all potential sources of these unexpected gains, stimulating the nucleus accumbens, activating the dopamine response from the VTA.
Over time, the nucleus accumbens adapts to the dopamine response, requiring increasing stimulation.
This may come in the form of seeking more likes, comments, shares, or spending an increasing amount of time using social media technologies, even at the peril of our safety and the safety of others while driving.
Recent legislation banning the use of hand-held technologies while operating a motor vehicle is a response to this increasingly prevalent addiction.
The impact of Addictive behaviors on the brain reflects changing attitudes toward addiction.
Addictions were once considered a moral issue based on the weak-will of the user. Then, addictions became classified as a disease under the medical model. More recently, addictions are often viewed as an ineffective way to cope with unmet life needs.
This humanistic approach is supported by the evidence explaining how social media and heroin have more in common than we might expect. As Adam Curtis states in an interview with the New York Times:
“On a social-media network, it’s very much like being in a heroin bubble. As a radical artist in the 1970s, you used to go and take heroin and wander through the chaos and the collapsing Lower East Side, and you felt safe. That’s very like now. You know you aren’t safe, but you feel safe because everyone is like you. But you don’t have to take heroin, so it’s brilliant. You don’t get addicted, or maybe you do. Mostly you do.”
A recent study on heroin use argues that everything we know about addiction is wrong. The main findings demonstrate that individuals were not abusing substances because they were chemically hooked; they are abusing substances because of a deeper underlying issue; they lack a sense of social belonging and connection.
This is why it is relatively easy for a socially connected individual to stop using painkillers after an operation when compared to individuals who are dealing with deeper issues such as social isolation.
But if Facebook is a social media platform, does it solve our underlying connection problem, or does it make it worse?
Does Social Media Isolate Us?
It depends on how you use it.
Facebook’s mission is to “Give people the power to build community and bring the world closer together.” But is social media actually bringing us together?
As a sociologist, I took a look at the research. Here is what I found:
Social media use is correlated with depression and low well-being. Yes, this conclusion itself sounds depressing, but let’s take a look at the data.
A 2016 study surveyed 1787 19-32-year-old men and women, finding social media use was “was significantly associated with increased depression.”
“Taking a break from Facebook has positive effects on the two dimensions of well-being: our life satisfaction increases and our emotions become more positive.”
Internet use is correlated with decreased loneliness among older adults. So it’s more complicated than the above studies might suggest.
According to this 2015 study looking at individuals 65 and older:
“Higher levels of Internet use were significant predictors of higher levels of social support, reduced loneliness, and better life satisfaction and psychological well-being among older adults.”
How you use social media makes a difference. According to another 2016 study on the correlation between Facebook and well-being, the researchers found:
“Specific uses of the site were associated with improvements in well-being.”
So what made the difference?
Individuals who used Facebook to build relationships with strong ties received the benefits, while those who used it for wide broadcasting did not. Therefore, they concluded the following:
“People derive benefits from online communication, as long it comes from people they care about and has been tailored for them.”
“Instagram interaction and Instagram browsing were both related to lower loneliness, whereas Instagram broadcasting was associated with higher loneliness.”
Antisocial uses of social media can be addictive. As described above, neurological research used functional neuroimaging data to uncover the impact of Facebook use on the nucleus accumbens, the brain’s pleasure-center within the reward-circuitry.
The researchers found “gains in reputation” to be the primary reward stimulus. The brain’s mechanism for processing self-relevant gains in reputation through Facebook use mirrors the reward circuitry activated through addiction to psychotropic substances.
This reward circuitry applies to digital addictions such as Facebook through the stimulus of unexpected gains in perceived reputation when sharing a piece of content.
Likes, comments, and shares are all potential sources of these unexpected gains, stimulating the nucleus accumbens, activating the dopamine response from the VTA.
Over time, the nucleus accumbens adapts to the dopamine response, requiring increasing stimulation. This may come in the form of seeking more likes, comments, shares, or spending an increasing amount of time using social media technologies.
Social Media does not necessarily make us more ‘social.’ It can further isolate us from family, friends, loved ones, or co-workers when abused as an addiction, spurring us to spend ever-more time constructing our carefully curated online identities, constantly seeking out more ‘likes’ to validate our self-worth.
Although social media can isolate us through voyeurism and identity-construction associated with social comparison and reputational enhancement, this is not the full story.
There are many non-addictive ways social media can be used.
Social media can be social when used in social ways. It can bring together international families grieving the loss of a loved one, connect soldiers in combat with their families back home, rekindle long-lost friendships, or as Facebook itself says:
“…help you connect and share with the people in your life.”
Social media is social when used in ways that help build deeper connections between us.
Facebook is a social media platform, but that does not necessarily mean it makes us more social. It can further isolate us from family, friends, loved ones, or co-works when overused.
In her recent book, IGen, Jean Twenge writes about the generation born after 1994, finding high rates of mental health issues and isolation:
“A stunning 31% more 8th and 10th graders felt lonely in 2015 than in 2011, along with 22% more 12th graders”…[.] All in all, iGen’ers are increasingly disconnected from human relationships.
She argues the increasing level of screen-time and decreasing level of in-person interaction leaves Igen lacking social skills:
“In the next decade we may see more young people who know just the right emoji for a situation—but not the right facial expression.”
This lack of in-person interaction leaves Igen vulnerable to mental health issues:
“iGen is on the verge of the most severe mental health crisis for young people in decades. On the surface, though, everything is fine.”
This idea that everything is fine on the surface comes from the need to present an ideal version of oneself online:
“…social media is not real life. Her photos, which looked like casual snaps, actually took several hours to set up and up to a hundred attempts to get right…”
Social media platforms encourage rampant voyeurism, drawing us into someone else’s constructed world, spurring us to spend ever-more time constructing our own carefully curated online identities for others to see.
Our friend-lists are paper-trails of past acquaintances, giving us a little window to voyeuristically peer into their lives, casually connect, or rekindle a friendship.
Paradoxically, we can feel alone in a sea of social media connections. Like Riesman’s (2001) “lonely crowd,” we are perpetually other-directed, scanning, and finger-scrolling screens, searching for a kind of stimulation that never seems to fulfill our sense that we are good enough.
How Social Media Affects Self-Esteem
Picturesque portraits in Machu Picchu, selfies in the sand in Santorini, engagements, children, and new homes remind us of how we always seem to be missing out on life’s milestones and adventures. We curate our online identities, attempting to live up to an impossible standard, ever-more concerned with our digital reputation.
According to a Pew Research report on Teens, Social Media & Technology, they report the following experience of a 15-year-old girl:
“It provides a fake image of someone’s life. It sometimes makes me feel that their life is perfect when it is not.”
This perfectionism is amplified by new technology on social media platforms that automatically edit your photos. Dr. Hamlet, from the Child Mind Institute, states the following:
“…there’s a so-called “pretty filter” on Instagram and Snapchat. Beautifying filters are used almost reflexively by many, which means that girls are getting used to seeing their peers effectively airbrushed every single day online. There are also image altering apps that teens can download for more substantial changes. Facetune is one popular one, but there are many, and they can be used to do everything from erase pimples to change the structure of your face or make you look taller.”
Rae Jacobson, from the Child Mind Institute, presents the experience of a young woman in the following passage:
“Look,” says Sasha, a 16-year-old junior in high school, scrolling slowly through her Instagram feed. “See: pretty coffee, pretty girl, cute cat, beach trip. It’s all like that. Everyone looks like they’re having the best day ever, all the time.”
The article goes on to describe the problem with this perfectionism is negative social comparison:
“Kids view social media through the lens of their own lives,” says Dr. Emanuele. “If they’re struggling to stay on top of things or suffering from low self-esteem, they’re more likely to interpret images of peers having fun as confirmation that they’re doing badly compared to their friends.”
The negative emotion produced by this social comparison can result in an attempt to bolster one’s low self-esteem by attempting to gain more likes on their own photos.
The problem with this short-term solution is that it creates long term problems, like any other addiction. Rae Jacobson goes on to state:
Teens who have created idealized online personas may feel frustrated and depressed at the gap between who they pretend to be online and who they truly are.
Social media is addictive because pretending to be someone else online further reinforces the idea that you are not enough. Receiving several likes is a temporary solution, but genuine self-esteem suffers in the long run.
As selfies gain popularity on Instagram, the research findings from a 2017 study on the topic reveal some important lessons. Here are the highlights:
• Selfie viewing was negatively associated with self-esteem.
• Groupie viewing was positively associated with self-esteem.
• Frequent groupie viewing led to increased life satisfaction.
• Frequent selfie viewing led to decreased life satisfaction.
• Need for popularity moderated the relationship between selfie viewing and self-esteem.
• Need for popularity moderated the relationship between selfie viewing and life satisfaction.
In our selfie-obsessed Instagram culture, findings like this are important to consider. Mindlessly scrolling through Instagram selfies may be affecting us more than we think.
What Makes New Social Media Different?
I grew up in the era of MSN messenger, chat rooms, message boards, and MySpace. I remember feeling heavily drawn to connecting with my friends online, often communicating more online than in person. But these online social platforms are fundamentally different from today’s platforms.
Today’s social platforms are more than a neutral space to communicate with friends. They are miniature broadcasting platforms.
I still remember a time before the Facebook ‘like’ button. The button was introduced in 2009 and made the platform more than simply about commenting and sharing. In 2016, the ‘reactions’ button came out, further allowing users to share their emotional reactions to your content.
The ‘like’ button amplified the social comparison potential. In an article featuring an interview with Dr. Max Blumburg, be states:
“…you’re making yourself vulnerable to the thoughts of others, so it’s not surprising that if it doesn’t elicit the reaction you’d hoped for your pride takes a hit. We’re seeking approval from our peers and it’s not nice when we don’t get it – you want people to think your ‘content’ is funny/interesting/likeable. ‘If you have low self-esteem and you don’t do well on social media, you’re going to feel particularly bad.
We are all miniature media companies, in a sense. The responsibility to manage one’s reputation online has skyrocketed since the development of these advanced technologies.
The thought of having a career as a social media celebrity was unthinkable not too long ago. Now, social media influencers are a key aspect of mainstream marketing.
We’re all having to become our own marketers online. This is something I think about quite a bit, given the fact that I created this website for the purpose of sharing my ideas in a non-traditional way.
Although you can use social media to further your professional career and build connections with like-minded people, it is important to be mindful of when it is having a negative impact on your life.
If you suspect your internet use may be having a negative impact, you can try the free Internet Addiction Test here.
Controlling Your Social Media Use
As described throughout this article, social media can be an addiction, like any other substance. For those struggling with an addiction to social media, you are not alone.
This is a very common issue that can be treated through self-help activities, psychological treatments, counseling, support groups, in addition to writing and introspection.
If you are simply looking to prevent any issues, it could be helpful to be mindful of the way you are relating to social media. If you find you are constantly seeking likes and validation, perhaps taking a break might help you clear your head.
Finding hobbies or new activities to engage in could help build your sense of self, in addition to building an in-person peer group.
If you decide to return to social media use, it is important to set limits on how long you intend to spend on it, how often you intend to check it, and considering whether or not you are using it in a meaningful way to connect.
It could also be helpful to turn off your push-notifications, so you are not getting constant beeps or buzzes.
If you are still having difficulties, treatment may also be helpful. Internet addiction is becoming increasingly recognized and can now be formally diagnosed in the DSM.
Treatment looks different for each individual, based on their unique experiences. Based on my research into evidence for psychotherapeutic treatments, Cogitative-behavioral approaches seem to have the highest level of evidence supporting their effectiveness.
Although this is the case, non-therapeutic factors such as therapist-patient relationship and therapist empathy are also correlated with effective treatment.
If you are seeking treatment for internet addiction, talk to your health care provider about coverage. In my home province of Ontario, these services are offered free of charge, including residential treatment programs, due to their association with government-funded problem gambling treatment services. Although this may greatly vary between jurisdictions, it is still worth looking into.
In Conclusion
Social media can be beneficial when used in ways that help build deeper connections between us. For example, the studies on the social media habits of the elderly demonstrate this lesson. Using social media in a balanced way to meaningfully connect with persons in your life can help relieve social isolation.
Unfortunately, social media is quickly becoming one of the strongest forces that divide us. We are drawn into the race for likes, competing with our followers, constantly comparing ourselves to an artificial ideal. We need to be conscious of how we use social media platforms so they can bring us together rather than divide us.
Getting rid of social media altogether is not the solution. The problem is not social media itself, but rather, the way we use social media.
Consider the place of social media in your own life. Is it acting as an opiate, numbing you to underlying issues? Or is it helping you stay connected to those who mean the most to you? Feel free to share your experience below.
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I used to think addiction was an obsession with pleasure.
Growing up with a stable upbringing, secure mental health, and a relative lack of any enduring hardships, I assumed people regularly used drugs because they loved the pleasure of getting high.
It never occurred to me that perhaps people are not addicted to pleasure; people are addicted to a way of escaping pain.
This way of thinking about addiction changed everything.
Rather than a form of overindulgence, I began thinking of addiction as a form of self-medication. Thinking about it as merely an overindulgence only recognizes the tip of the iceberg, neglecting the massive invisible pain underneath.
What are the underlying causes of addiction?
The underlying causes of addiction can be classified in each of the following areas: psychological, biological, and social/ spiritual.
Although many people might use substances to escape from psychological pain caused by trauma, not everyone who has suffered a trauma will form an addiction.
Also, one could argue genetic risk factors cause addiction. But this still didn’t answer the question of why some people with a genetic risk don’t form an addiction.
As a sociologist, I decided to look at how our social environments also contribute to addiction.
Our brains don’t operate in a vacuum. Our minds are continually sending and receiving signals within our social worlds. We are social beings and therefore need to look at our social context to understand addiction better.
Everything I learned from my research on veterans in transition to civilian life as taught me that social life matters… a lot. Without strong social ties, we risk feeling isolated, and life loses meaning.
Feeling isolated is different than being alone. We can feel isolated within a crowd, and we can feel connected while alone.
When we feel isolated, we experience a lack of meaning. Meaning comes from being connected with something larger than ourselves. Some people may think of this as a form of spirituality. Our social environments may also fill this function.
Becoming obsessed with the social roots of addiction, I needed to create a model of how this worked. I felt like I was on the verge of figuring it out.
One evening, everything seemed to click. I’d been thinking about the individual, society, and the interaction between the two. But what was the missing link?
I believe the missing link is purpose.
Treating addiction by rebuilding purpose
Addiction closes us off to the outside world. We are so preoccupied with self-medicating, we cannot see beyond ourselves.
We are also closed off to our inner world. We lose touch with our unique skills and ability to contribute to the world. We lose touch with our values and no longer focus on our prior interests.
Our basic psychological needs go unmet, feeling isolated, trapped, and on a downward spiral. Meaning collapses, and we fall into despair.
Addiction is a way of coping with the pain of this despair.
Luckily, addiction doesn’t need to be the answer. Overcoming despair requires connecting with a sense of purpose.
Rebuilding purpose takes time. It requires gaining a certain level of awareness regarding our unique abilities, values, and interests. It then requires connecting our capabilities to a social context where we can gain a sense of contribution and belonging, two major ingredients of purpose.
Someone with an addiction may feel so preoccupied, self-concerned, and isolated; the word “contribution” and “belonging” is the last thing they can think about.
Although it may take time, I believe rebuilding purpose should be the central long-term treatment goal for persons with addiction.
Purpose builds meaning
Addiction is a problem of meaning.
Rather than merely looking at addiction as a disease, we need to broaden our understanding of what drives addiction so we can better address its root causes.
How is addiction a problem of meaning?
Without a sense of meaning and purpose, a person may turn to drug use and addictive behaviors to fill the void of an existential vacuum. The problem is that this void is infinite. In eternal torture of this infinite void leaves a person feeling like they can never get enough.
As one goes further down this infinite rabbit-hole, one takes on an increasingly distorted view of themselves and the world. Not only can they never get enough, but they themselves are never enough.
In this void, defense mechanisms protect the ego, perpetuating self-destructive behaviors. They are rationalized, minimized, and justified at all costs.
As one’s former self becomes a faint glimmer at the beginning of a long tunnel, the descent into addiction reorients one’s sense of meaning and purpose. If it takes over, the addiction becomes the sole guiding principle.
Why get up? Why leave the house? Why do anything? Engaging in the addiction becomes the sole purpose.
It is paradoxically a nihilistic sense of purpose. It answers the why question but leaves the person caught in a self-referential loop of desperation and despair. Like Victor Frankl said: “suffering without meaning is despair”.
So how do we get someone out of an addiction?
The answer is not simple, nor is it easy. Beyond potentially useful medical treatments, we need to look at rebuilding the persons “why”. As Friedrich Nietzsche said: “He who has a whyto live can bear almost any how”.
Victor Frankl proposed his concept of logotherapy as a treatment for addiction. Put simply, it is a form of talk therapy that attempts to rebuild a person’s sense of purpose by exploring things that are meaningful to them.
Although this concept is not often used in the addictions field, the more recent concept of motivational interviewing builds on the same ideas, becoming a gold standard counseling technique with hundreds of studies showing its effectiveness.
Motivational interviewing is a collaborative conversation focused on helping a person gain motivation to change. This is done by eliciting their reasons for change and collaborating on an action plan. See Miller and Rollnick’s book for more information on this counseling method: Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change.
When talking to a loved one suffering from an addiction, it is important to remember that they already likely feel socially isolated, so harsh judgments, criticisms, and tough love are generally counterproductive.
Ideally, a person struggling with an addiction accepts treatment and can find a high-quality counselor or psychologist. Counseling can help someone connect with their “why”, rebuilding purpose, in addition to building helpful coping tools for dealing with painful thoughts and emotions.
Although counseling can be helpful, it still focuses on the individual. Increasing the use of counseling while neglecting an unhealthy social environment is like trying to fix an overflowing sink by buying more mops. Instead, we need to look at the source of the problem and work on turning off the tap.
Purpose is found in community
How do social environments produce addiction?
Unhealthy social environments produce addiction when there is a lack of community. When people no longer feel like they belong, and their sense of purpose is lacking, they are left with the existential vacuum mentioned in the beginning. In his book Suicide, Sociologist Émile Durkheim states:
“Man cannot become attached to higher aims and submit to a rule if he sees nothing above him to which he belongs. To free him from all social pressure is to abandon him to himself and demoralize him.”
Community is essential to our “why”. At its root, community means being integrated into a network of individuals who you feel have your back, and therefore, you have theirs. On the one hand, this is a sense of belonging; on the other hand, it is a sense of service. This is what gives us real meaning.
As we all continue to reach out every day to the things that save our lives from utter meaninglessness, we need to be mindful of how our social environments foster this sense of resilience through purpose and belonging.
No one randomly wakes up one day and rationally decides to become addicted to something. Addiction is a symptom of larger forces.
Rather than looking at addiction as an individual disease, we need to understand addiction as a social disease.
Individual counseling needs to help connect individuals to their broader social environment, while politicians, business owners, and everyday citizens need to work at facilitating better communities.
Practically speaking, this may involve counseling for the family of someone suffering from an addiction. According to a Canadian study, family counseling is the most neglected aspect of treatment.
Other unique treatments include cultural interventions, specifically when supporting indigenous populations. A review of the literature on cultural interventions found “benefits in all areas of wellness, particularly by reducing or eliminating substance use problems in 74% of studies.”
Summary
When we have a why (purpose), we figure out the how. It is community that helps us connect to this why.
Since I’ve come to this understanding of addiction, I’ve noticed how many misconceptions still exist.
When we blame addiction solely on the individual, narrowly viewing it as excessive pleasure-seeking, we neglect the deeper reasons driving the addiction.
In the treatment field, this is also neglected. Individual counseling to develop coping skills is essential, but these coping skills cannot answer the deeper question: what will fill the void of meaning?
Expecting someone to give up an addiction without offering a source of meaning is a recipe for relapse.
If you are interested in reading more on my approach to developing a purpose, you can check out my article here: What Does It Mean to Have a Purpose?
