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If you’ve been following my work, you may have noticed I’ve transitioned from veteran issues to addictions. I thought I should probably elaborate on this shift in focus and share the underlying theme driving all of my work.
After reading a few of my articles, it should be fairly clear that the underlying theme is the power of social connection. It has been the central driving force behind my writing for the last ten years.
Although I usually talk about the research on social connection and its various benefits and impacts on our lives, this article will have a bit of a different tone. I want to share a bit of an autobiographical account of the things I’ve learned since I started writing about these ideas.
My interest in the power of social connection started when I began studying sociology. Initially heading into law enforcement, I was fascinated by how criminal behavior is often the result of social forces such as poverty. I started applying to the RCMP (being Canadian and all) and figured I’d just get a sociology degree because it sounded like the most interesting way to spend four years.
Throughout my education, I began to realize that law enforcement is not the solution to the underlying issues facing society. This complicated my goal, but I rationalized it by believing I would change the system from within!
One day, after instructing an aqua-fitness class (very random), a couple came up to me and asked why I wanted to get into policing.
“Great pay, good benefits, and secure retirement,” I replied, quickly realizing how unfulfilling this answer sounded.
After asking me about my real interests, it became clear I needed to pursue sociology further. It was at that moment I decided to apply for the Master’s degree program.
From that moment on, I became obsessed with sociology. Getting into the program, I didn’t know what to study, but I just held onto my underlying conviction in the power of social forces.
At around that time, about ten years ago, I also started my first blog, mainly directed at critiquing religion. I thought I was against religion, but looking back, I was just against the corrupt aspects of the institution and superficial interpretations of sacred texts. Here is an excerpt from one of my early articles:
The story of the last supper is an example of an occurrence that if taken literally, a person must believe they are consuming the body and blood of Christ that is transformed from bread and wine into a divine substance. To believe this is to miss the point. The bread and wine may be sacred, but it is no more divine than it was before it was blessed. The communion represents the importance of community rather than the literal ingestion of Jesus as many Catholic practitioners still maintain.
This is an early glimpse into my interest in the power of social connection. Mystification around the catholic communion ritual was a common theme in my writing. I had spent too many years watching people at church just go through the motions like zombies enacting supernatural cannibalism.
Although the tone in my writing during these years was a bit reactionary and critical, I stood for improving the quality of religious rituals to bring back a focus on social connection.
Throughout the Master’s program in sociology, I became utterly obsessed with theoretical texts. My quest to understand social theory was fueled by a deep existential need to understand the meaning of life (yes… no small task!).
If you ask my mentors at this time, they would likely say the same. I completely believed I was just one insight away from understanding a grand social theory of everything! I was so lost in the theoretical jargon; almost everything I wrote was unreadable.
Here is a sentence from my Master’s thesis:
“Drawing on Michel Foucault’s late work on Christian technologies of the self, this paper asserts the continuity of ascetic ethical practices in the representation of modern fitness.”
To translate, I critiqued the way fitness is represented in the media. Similar to my critique of religion, I argued that the individualistic weight loss television genre blamed individuals for their moral weaknesses. In short, it fostered shame and division rather than community.
Much of my writing at this time became increasingly abstract and impenetrable. I was talking about social issues, but it was making me increasingly antisocial since I couldn’t communicate the message to anyone outside of a very narrow field of study.
Once I began my doctoral studies, I knew I had to change something. I had four years to study anything I wanted, supported by funding and scholarships derived from public sources.
This was big! I felt like I had to do something publically relevant, something that could potentially help people. I couldn’t go on, further isolating myself in an impenetrable web of intellectual language games.
Luckily, right around this time, I was presented with the opportunity to research Canadian veterans. I had never been interested in the military or veterans’ issues before then. Like many sociology grad students, I was generally against the institution.
I leaped outside my comfort zone, seeing this as an opportunity to do something relevant, meaningful, and potentially helpful. I learned everything I could about veterans’ issues, and it transformed the way I looked at things.
I started the first version of this website around that time, committing to communicate my research in clear and accessible language. I wanted to do justice to the issue, receiving full support from the population I had the privilege to study.
The power of social connection became an increasingly evident theme in my writing. I used my articles as brainstorming drafts for my dissertation, growing as I received feedback from readers. If you’re interested in checking out this content, I’ve compiled these articles in the Veterans in Transition section of this site.
Once I finished my dissertation, the power of social bonds couldn’t be more apparent. It was everything. My research helped me learn how veterans struggle with issues beyond PTSD. Rather than merely focusing on mental health issues, I realized we need to focus on social health issues.
Reintegration into a highly individualistic civilian social world can often be its own form of traumatic experience. Going from a tightly bonded military community with a strong sense of purpose to a loosely structured civilian world without a strong sense of urgency can make veterans feel isolated and purposeless. You can see my finished dissertation here.
After studying sociology for nine years, I graduated with my PhD and now needed to make money. I was lucky enough to get offered a part-time teaching position at Eastern Michigan University, but this was not enough. Full-time positions were hard to come by, and being unemployed in the summer was not sustainable, so I began looking for work outside of the university world, something I had almost no experience with since my aquafitness days.
A lucky break came when I got a position doing problem gambling prevention programming. The role consists of being available within the casino to assist people concerned about their gambling, in addition to sharing facts vs. myths of how gambling works. This position was an abrupt reeducation in how to communicate with non-sociologists.
Just like the military, I had never been particularly interested in addiction, nor did I have any experience with it. I decided to enroll in an addiction counseling certificate program at a local college in an attempt to learn how to do front-line work in the field. I soon became obsessed with learning about addiction, just as I had done with sociology (…with a bit less angsty existential fury).
Although I and began building a career in a completely new area, I noticed the same lessons I learned when studying veterans issues applied to addiction. Social connection is a powerful force for recovery and addiction is rooted in isolation. I share this lesson in my article, “The Most Neglected Aspect of Addiction Recovery.”
I recently moved into a treatment focused role within a healthcare setting, focusing on problem gambling as well as internet and gaming addiction. Upon reflection on why I’ve been drawn to this area, I’ve realized it’s because these forms of addiction are especially focused on the “social” theme. My article, “Is Social Media Making Us Less Social?” directly addresses this question. Also, my most recent article, “How to Prevent a Gaming Addiction,” looks at how social isolation contributes to gaming addiction.
Going forward, I plan to continue delving deeper into the same theme that initially sparked my interest in sociology. I’ve focused on many different topics, including religion, fitness, veterans in transition, and addiction. Still, the thread tying it all together is my profound conviction in the power of social connection.
Check out my articles if you share this conviction and want to read more.
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In 2018, the World Health Organization classified Gaming disorder as an official form of addictive behavior. It consists of three components:
The loss of control over one’s gaming
Gaming taking priority over other areas of life
Continued use despite harmful consequences and impaired functioning in other areas of one’s life.
In my work with persons addicted to gaming, I’ve noticed a few common factors contributing to this issue.
By considering the reasons why people become addicted to games, we can gain insight into how to prevent gaming addiction before it starts.
So how do you prevent a gaming addiction?
Develop a sense of self-esteem, social belonging, and purpose. Gaming addiction develops as a way to meet these basic needs. Meeting these needs outside of a gaming environment will reduce your risk of developing a dependency.
Let’s look at what the research says about each of these basic needs and how you can reduce your risk of a gaming addiction by strengthening each of these areas.
Develop a Healthy Sense of Self Esteem
According to a 2005 study, online games provide an environment for persons with low self-esteem to escape, allowing them to feel more confident. A more recent 2018 study finds the same correlation, focusing on the link between low self-esteem and risk of internet addiction.
Developing a healthy sense of self-esteem may sound like a cliché baby-boomer parenting strategy, marked by participation robbins and positive affirmations about how great we all are, but this is not what I mean by self-esteem boosting.
A 2003 study already debunked the idea that boosting self-esteem improves performance and life satisfaction. The point is not to boost self-esteem by cheerleading ourselves and our children. Instead, self-esteem begins to rise as we take action toward meaningful goals, improving our skills and abilities.
In a gaming environment, success is a quick fix. Like any form of addiction, it is a short-term solution to a long-term problem.
If experiencing low self-esteem, games can offer a temporary experience of leveling up and gaining skills. Unfortunately, these experiences are limited to the gaming world. Once outside the game, your self-esteem remains the same, going down slightly over time as you begin to neglect your offline life.
To prevent a gaming addiction, it is important to consider small ways to gain success in the offline world. Here are a few potential areas of development:
Maintain a clean and organized personal environment.
Pick up a new skill or hobby.
Read books (I like audiobooks, personally).
Consider advancing your formal education.
Take small steps to advance your career.
Anything that gives you a sense of growth allows you to build self-esteem, lowering the risk of needing to seek it in a gaming environment.
Self-esteem comes from seeing the result of your actions, not from falsely telling yourself how great you are. This requires changing your relationship with yourself, considering the ways your thoughts or anxieties may be blocking further growth.
The power of social connection is a key theme throughout all of my work. Social isolation is just as detrimental to your health as smoking, according to research.
Human beings are social creatures, so if we feel isolated or are isolating ourselves due to shame or anxiety, we may find creative ways to meet this social need. Online gaming may be one way to meet our social need for a sense of belonging and connection with others.
It can be healthy to connect with others in gaming environments if it is balanced with offline social activities. When gaming begins to negatively affect offline relationships, it might be time to reconsider ways to repair and maintain our offline relationships to prevent further harm.
A 2011 study on the psychosocial causes and consequences of pathological gaming found that “lower psychosocial well-being is more likely to be a cause than a consequence of pathological gaming.” This confirms the fact that maintaining healthy relationships is a preventative factor for gaming addiction.
So how can you maintain healthy offline relationships?
Consider joining a local club or meetup group (Check out the Meetup App)
Dedicate at least one day a week to meaningfully connect with parents, relatives, or close friends, in person.
Regularly engage coworkers or acquaintances in small-talk about their own interests or recent events.
By fostering and maintaining strong offline social relationships, online gaming can serve as a supplemental form of entertainment and connection rather than a way to cope with isolation in an all-consuming way.
Online relationships in gaming environments can be beneficial and deeply rewarding, sometimes even turning into in-person relationships. The power of these relationships should not be discounted.
The goal of preventing a gaming addiction is to consider its impact on your life. If gaming is balanced and adding to your offline life, then it may be healthy. If it is taking away from your offline life, it may be helpful to reconsider the balance.
Working to develop offline social connections is one way to help meet our social needs, reducing the risk of a gaming addiction.
If social anxiety is preventing you from reaching out and connecting with others, I again recommend The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt by Russ Harris (…no, I am not getting paid for this recommendation. I just love the book!).
Develop a Sense of Purpose
Without a sense of purpose, life can become unbearable. Floating around in a directionless haze is its own unique form of torture.
As human beings, we are built to pursue goals. The dopamine systems in our brains are made for this purpose. In the absence of meaningful goals, gaming can fill this void, offering a sense of purpose through elaborate missions or storylines.
Although it can be entertaining to play games, for this reason, we need to recognize when the online world is becoming a substitute for a sense of purpose in our offline world.
So what is the antidote to offline purposelessness?
Make yourself useful!
In theory, it sounds easy. It’s not too hard to find someone needing help. The problem is that you can’t be useful to anyone else if you’re not useful to yourself first.
The key is that your way of contributing fits your unique personal strengths.
Misalignment between your strengths, values, and interests can hinder your level of usefulness and the resulting level of purpose you feel toward the role. Finding alignment between your abilities and your role requires first knowing your strengths and cultivating them.
Developing a sense of purpose in our offline worlds can help reduce the risk of a gaming addiction by filling this basic human need to strive for something beyond ourselves.
Conclusion
Gaming is not necessarily the problem. It is often used as a solution to an underlying problem. When our needs are not being met in our offline world, gaming is one way to meet these needs.
When gaming becomes an addiction, things outside the gaming environment begin not to matter. Self-esteem goes down, relationships suffer, and our non-gaming lives lose a sense of purpose.
Although games are used to cope with the lack of these needs being met, a gaming addiction takes a person further away from being able to meet these needs outside of gaming. The unmet needs lead to more gaming, and more gaming leads to further unmet needs.
To prevent a gaming addiction, it is important to develop a sense of self-esteem, social belonging, and purpose.
If you or a loved one is struggling with a gaming addiction, you may find it helpful to check out Game Quitters. It is a comprehensive resource designed to support gamers and loved ones.
You can also check out my recent article on How to Help Someone With an Addiction for general insights on how to maintain a productive helping relationship with the person you are supporting.
On the go? Listen to the audio version of the article here:
Whether you know someone who is struggling with an addiction or you are a professional working in the field, it can be challenging to help someone recover from an addiction.
Addiction can destroy relationships, trust is often strained, and everyone involved can often feel confused and hopeless.
Working in the addiction field, I continue to learn more every day about how to be helpful to someone with an addiction. Recently, my colleague Diana recommended a great book on the subject, so I thought I would summarize the lessons here.
The book is called The Casework Relationship. Although it was originally written in 1957 for social workers learning how to build effective relationships with their clients, the lessons are just as powerful today. In fact, many of the lessons have been recently validated by empirical studies on motivational interviewing.
If you are working in the addiction field, the lessons in this book can help you strengthen your relationship with your clients, contributing to more effective treatment.
If you are attempting to help a friend or relative, the lessons in this book can help you maintain a supportive, yet balanced, relationship with the individual.
It is important to note that if you are using these lessons to help a friend or loved one that you make sure you have taken care of your own needs first. Codependency is a common problem, further contributing to the addiction.
In addition, if you are not working in a professional capacity, the goal is to use the lessons to help someone seek treatment or support them in their recovery. It is not meant to serve as a substitute for treatment.
So how do you help someone with an addiction?
According to The Casework Relationship, a helpful relationship to someone with an addiction consists of the following principles:
Respect their individuality
Hold Space for them to express emotions
Control your emotional involvement
Maintain an accepting nonjudgmental attitude
Maintain their self-determination through collaboration
Let’s explore what each of these principles means and how you can apply them to your own situation.
Respect their Individuality
The principle of individualization means recognizing the person you are helping as an individual with unique characteristics.
When helping someone with an addiction, it may be tempting to rely on stereotypes. Just using the word “addict”, “alcoholic”, or “gambler”, we tend to think of specific characteristics.
Although diagnostic labels can be useful, we should never mistake the label for the person underneath it. For example, simply assuming someone is reckless or thrill-seeking because they have a gambling addiction neglects the fact that some people use gambling as a way to escape rather than for thrills.
When we make assumptions about a person based on rigid preconceived categories, we fail to see their reality. When we fail to see their own unique and specific situation, we fail to understand their perspective, causing frustration and a sense of disconnection.
When helping someone with an addiction, it is important to not conflate the person with a category, maintaining a person to person relationship. This will allow you to get to the root of their own experience and help them meet their own unique needs.
It is easy to assume we know someone based on a label. For example, when learning someone identifies as a “problem gambler”, it is easy to assume they are primarily gambling to acquire more money. But this assumption falls short since the primary unmet need is often something else.
When someone takes drugs or alcohol, it is easy to assume the substance is the problem, when in reality, the substance is that person’s short-term solutionto an underlying problem.
By carefully listening to the person, we can accurately understand their own specific unmet needs driving them to cope through short-term relief.
Once this understanding has been established, the principle of individualization also means maintaining personal boundaries. Specifically, this means not doing things for the person that they can do for themselves. It may also require letting them fail so they can feel the natural consequences of their actions.
Respecting the person’s individual autonomy helps them learn new skills and build self-efficacy, leading to greater motivation in the long term.
Hold Space for Them to Express Emotions
The principle of “purposeful expression of feelings” means holding space for the person. This requires careful listening without discouraging painful emotions.
We may be discouraging them from expressing painful emotions without even realizing it. When someone is actively expressing painful emotions such as anger or grief, our immediate reaction may be to reach for the metaphorical fire extinguisher. We want to tell them “everything will be okay… don’t worry about it… don’t cry… think positive!”
Through these subtle discouragements, we are inadvertently telling the person that it is not okay to feel these emotions. When the emotions become stifled rather than expressed, they are not fully processed and avoidance becomes a way to escape.
Addictions are a common way of avoiding painful emotions. So by subtly reinforcing discomfort with painful emotions, we are perpetuating the cycle of addiction.
Helping someone with an addiction requires connecting with our deepest human motivators. Since human beings are largely driven by emotions, suppressing them does not help someone change their motivations.
Although emotional regulation is an important skill to develop, helping someone change their behavior requires the helper to remain with whatever emotion is coming to the surface at that time. It requires holding space for that emotion while remaining fully engaged and present in the interaction without attempts to minimize it, change the subject, or give reassurance.
By holding space for painful emotions, we help the person process these emotions, in addition to helping them feel a sense of safe non-judgmental presence.
Control Your Emotional Involvement
The principle of “controlled emotional involvement” means maintaining careful attention to the person’s emotions, knowing how to appropriately respond in a way that is helpful.
Although it is helpful to hold space for the other person’s painful emotions, it is not helpful if we get completely wrapped up in these emotions ourselves. In the book Against Empathy, Paul Bloom argues how empathy can be counterproductive.
Since empathy refers to feeling the emotions of another person, imagine going to a therapist who feels everything you feel. If you’re anxious, they become anxious as well. If you’re depressed, they begin to feel depressed too. You’d soon be quite concerned and perhaps feel worse for burdening this person with your problems.
When helping a loved one, it is easy for our emotions to become reactive. Our underlying fear may manifest as anger, driving the other person away.
The principle of controlled emotional involvement doesn’t mean being cold and detached. It requires being fully engaged and attuned to the other person’s emotions, demonstrating an accurate understanding of their situation. Controlled emotional involvement means being empathetic, but feeling a small amount of the person’s emotional state rather than being consumed by it.
The issue is not empathy. The issue is unrestrained empathy without personal boundaries. It is helpful to demonstrate an accurate understanding of the person’s inner world, allowing them to feel felt. It is also helpful to be grounded in your own self, serving as a solid support and guide for the other person.
Controlled emotional involvement helps you maintain a healthy personal boundary. Becoming overly involved is common among codependent persons. In this case, the over-involvement is not only unhelpful but can be actively destructive for both yourself and the other person.
The key here is to accept what you cannot change rather than making your emotional state dependent on the other person’s success.
This leads us to the next point.
Maintain an Accepting Non-judgmental Attitude
Acceptance refers to accepting the other person as they are, not as you wish them to be.
This does not mean we need to give up hope for an improved future. It means accepting their current state as a starting point and meeting them where they are. This state is most similar to Carl Rogers’ concept of “unconditional positive regard“.
This is primarily an attitude of non-judgment, openness, and psychological flexibility. It means recognizing that the other person as the primary expert on their own life. Tapping into their knowledge and resources requires creating a safe interpersonal environment.
We are all highly sensitive to feeling judged by others. When talking about issues underlying addiction, this is no different. If we display the slightest bit of judgment or criticism, the other person will quickly close up and isolate.
Isolation is such a common issue among persons suffering from an addiction because of the shame associated with it. When demonstrating a judgmental attitude, we drive the person further into isolation, increasing the desire to cope through an addiction.
Again, acceptance is an interpersonal attitude, not a moral stance. It does not mean accepting unacceptable behavior. We still need to maintain personal boundaries and be clear when these boundaries are violated. Acceptance does not mean accepting bad behavior; it means accepting the person underneath all of it.
Acceptance, or unconditional positive regard, can be quite difficult when someone presents particularly annoying, stubborn, or frustrating behaviors. It is tempting to react with judgment, criticism, or arguments.
One tool I’ve found helpful is to distinguish the behavior from the underlying issues. For example, if someone begins angrily sharing a conspiracy theory about how slot machines work, it is tempting to judge them and argue the facts. I’ve fallen into this trap many times, but it is never helpful.
In keeping with the spirit of acceptance, I’ve learned that underneath anger is often pain or fear. Instead of automatically reacting and engaging them on the level of their anger, I’ve found it helpful to ask about the underlying issues.
For example, when hearing a casino conspiracy theory, I now tend to ask, “what brings you to the casino?” Stated in a neutral curious tone, it conveys acceptance, allowing the other person to open up about their actual motivations and issues.
Acceptance is not a moral position whereby anything goes. It is a useful interpersonal attitude, increasing the chances you will be helpful to someone with an addiction.
Maintain Their Self-determination Through Collaboration
When helping someone change, you may feel tempted to take control. If they fail to act, you feel frustrated, wondering why they won’t listen to your advice and why they keep needing your support when the path is so clearly laid out.
Out of anger, you may temporarily ignore them or resort to tough love. You may try to manipulate them using bribes, threats, or ultimatums. You may even take responsibility for them, filling out forms or making phone calls on their behalf.
So how do you help someone change when they seem to be resisting all of your well-intended efforts? Collaborate with them.
Collaboration is like a dance. We give and take, meeting the person where they are, guiding the flow of the dance while remaining in harmony with one another. The goal is to guide them toward action, not force them into submission.
To use another metaphor, we must be like travel agents of change. We may be experts on the matter, but we can never really know what kind of trip will be best for the individual until we collaborate with them.
Even when the plans are set and the trip is booked, it is not our job to go on the trip with them. If things get rocky on the trip, they can call us for support, but it is not our responsibility to fly out to rescue them.
People need space to feel empowered when making changes. When we become confrontational controllers, we disempower people, making them feel incompetent.
When we collaborate with them, guiding the change-process, we empower them to take responsibility for changing, giving them the ability to see small rewards accumulate by their own volition. As these rewards start to accumulate, motivational momentum snowballs into action.
Recall what it feels like when a parent or significant other lectures you regarding one of your shortcomings. You may feel anger, resentment, or perhaps a sense of guilt. If these difficult emotions spur you to action, the result is usually only short term. You do whatever it takes to get rid of these emotions but fall back into your default way of acting. Lecturing and criticism may be a Band-Aid solution, but it fails to get to the core of the issue, leaving the person feeling disempowered.
Like a travel agent, the best way to collaborate with someone is to ask them questions. For example, notice the difference in tone between the two following statements: You’re so lazy! Stop procrastinating and get your work done vs. It looks like you’re really struggling. What are some things you can do to get started on your work?
Collaboration solves underlying issues by encouraging a problem-solving mindset rather than spurring temporary action driven by the desire to avoid criticism.
When helping people change, you are often tempted to take the lead. We want to direct them on how to make the change, tell them what they need to do, and perhaps even begin doing some of it for them.
We may find ourselves working harder than the other person, wondering why they won’t take control over their life. If we find ourselves in this situation it may feel like we are helping, but we have become part of the problem.
When you over-help you take away the other person’s power. You take away their sense of autonomy, a core psychological need. When you do this, you are taking away a significant amount of their intrinsic motivation without even realizing it.
To avoid this form of counterproductive helping, you need to focus on building the other person’s sense of power. In short, empowerment is the product of collaboration.
Conclusion
Let’s review how each of the elements discussed thus far come together to create the optimal conditions when helping someone with an addiction.
Respect their individuality to get to their unique issues rather than assuming these issues based on a specific label.
Hold Space for them to express emotions to create a safe environment where they can share and work through difficult emotions.
Control your emotional involvement to maintain a helpful and grounded presence rather than becoming reactive or overly involved in a codependent way.
Maintain an accepting nonjudgmental attitude to build trust and reduce the sense of shame and isolation.
Maintain their self-determination through collaboration to increase motivation in addition to maintaining healthy personal boundaries.
None of these principles guarantee change. They simply increase the odds that change will happen by creating a helpful interpersonal environment to engage the other person in helpful conversations about change.
If you don’t see the results you want, it is important to take a step back, maintain your own self-care, and be able to accept the fact that you don’t have control over someone’s behavior. You can only be the most helpful version of yourself.
If you’re interested in learning more, you can read my short book on the topic:
On the go? Listen to the audio version of the article here:
Do you feel that buzzing in your pocket?
Maybe someone liked the photo I just posted… Maybe it’s an important email… maybe he finally texted me back…
You can’t resist, so you take a peek.
No notifications.
But I swore I felt something! Why didn’t he text me back?? Why didn’t my picture get any likes??
You try to go about your day, but deep down, you’re wondering if everyone else just has it easier than you.
If you’re tired of feeling like a slave to your social media, you’re not alone.
According to a survey, internet users are spending around two and a half hours a day on social media.
So how can you spend less time on social media?
Remove triggers from your environment
Consider using an app to track and limit your use
Find alternate forms of communication
Reconnect with hobbies
Consider trying a digital detox
Let’s explore what each of these things looks like in more detail.
Remove triggers from your environment.
Turn off push notifications.
One of the most significant environmental triggers to check social media are push notifications.
These are the constant automatic updates on likes, requests, emails, and instant messages, often coming with a ding or a buzz.
Turning off push notifications can free you from constant distracting updates, giving you more control over when you check your social media.
There are two ways you can limit push notifications: 1) from the app and 2) from your device.
Here is a step-by-step guide to turning off push notifications on the Facebook app:
Go to the dropdown menu:
Go to Settings and Privacy:
Go to Your Time on Facebook:
Go to Change Notification Settings:
Go to Push Notifications:
From there, you can also turn off email or text notifications, if you are receiving those as well.
If you are interested in setting a limit on your Facebook use, luckily, Facebook has an option for that as well.
Go back to the previous section, Your Time on Facebook, then go to Set Daily Reminder:
From this menu, you can enter precisely how long you would like to spend on Facebook before it sends you a reminder to take a break:
Although Facebook has these advanced features, check the notification settings on your other favorite apps to limit the notifications they send you.
If you don’t want to go into each app, here is a shortcut:
You can control how your device notifies you by going into your phone’s settings and turning off notifications for each app you no longer want to see notifications from.
Since the instructions on how to do this may vary depending on your device, I would advise you to ask google for help with this one if you’re unsure.
Lastly, merely putting your phone on silent (without vibrations) more often can also do the trick.
Remove shortcuts from your browser or phone’s home screen.
Do you ever find yourself opening Facebook mindlessly?
I used to sometimes close Facebook, just to find myself opening it again a second later. So removing it from any easily accessible shortcut locations might be another way to avoid the mindless clicking/ tapping.
By opening Facebook less, you are less likely to be mindlessly drawn into its voyeuristically seductive stream of endless content.
I actually ran into this issue when writing this post. When going onto Facebook to get the screenshots for this article, I found myself drawn into the newsfeed, forgetting why I was there in the first place.
I ended up closing the app, quickly realizing I needed to get the screenshots. I opened the app again, being immediately drawn to read a couple status updates, before finally pulling myself away and getting the screenshots.
Apps like Facebook are designed and optimized to grab your attention and hold it as long as possible. If you don’t remove the constant triggers to check it, you may find yourself in the endless newsfeed rabbit-hole more often than you may like.
Consider using an app to track and limit your use.
If you want to get a sense of how often you are using each app on your phone, I highly recommend apps like Digital Wellbeing for android.
It also makes it very easy to turn off your social media app notifications directly from the app itself, so you don’t have to dig through your phone’s settings or open each app.
If you’re using an Apple product, you can use the Screen Time app:
If you would like a little extra power to limit your social media use, you can use the Stay Focused app. Although it may be a bit ironic to use an app to block apps, it can help you stay in control by specifically limiting when and how long you spend on any specific app:
If you are using an Apple product, you can try Moment to balance your screen time:
These apps give you back your time by making it easy to track and limit your screen time on each app.
But what if you need to communicate with people?
This is where the next old fashioned lesson comes in handy.
Find alternate forms of communication.
Rather than always communicating over social media, perhaps consider using direct messaging on social media as a way to schedule phone calls or in-person meetups.
This way, social media is a tool to enhance your social life, rather than take away from it.
Social media connects us with a high higher quantity of individuals than ever before, but we can’t forget the quality of connection.
When we talk about spending some “quality time” with someone, we typically don’t think about chatting with them over social media.
Reconnect with hobbies
Since a great deal of social media use is triggered by boredom, it is important to consider connecting with a hobby.
Remember the days before social media? If you’re old enough to remember these times, what did you do for fun? Or is there something you once loved to do, but lost touch within recent years?
If you’re going to be using social media less, you’re going to be doing something else more. Without having a plan for what you’re going to do instead, it is a lot easier to fall back into your current habits.
If you want some hobby ideas, there is a great list here.
Consider trying a digital detox.
Yes, this is a real thing.
I first heard of the digital detox back in 2010 when a friend of mine and I decided to try giving up all things digital. It didn’t last too long, but all I can remember is a sense of things being generally quieter. Driving longer distances without the radio on was quite the experience.
Although doing away with all things digital may be may not be possible unless you’re on some kind of silent retreat, there are other forms of digital detox that might be helpful.
Perhaps you can try putting your phone on airplane mode and disabling the wifi for a period of time or part of each day.
Another form of digital detox might mean deleting Facebook or another form of social media for a period of time. A 2016 study found that quitting Facebook actually made people happier:
“By comparing the treatment group (participants who took a break from Facebook) with the control group (participants who kept using Facebook), it was demonstrated that taking a break from Facebook has positive effects on the two dimensions of well-being: our life satisfaction increases and our emotions become more positive. Furthermore, it was demonstrated that these effects were significantly greater for heavy Facebook users, passive Facebook users, and users who tend to envy others on Facebook.”
Conclusion
Hopefully, this article offered some helpful strategies for decreasing the amount of time you spend on social media.
Although the amount of time spent on social media can often be an issue for people, it is not necessarily the primary indicator that social media use is problematic.
The most significant risk for problematic use is how you are using social media.
This is a topic I explore in my super in-depth article on social media use where I dig through the research on healthy vs. unhealthy ways we social media.
On the go? Listen to the audio version of the article here:
In an age where we are becoming more connected through social media every day, it sometimes feels like we are also becoming less social.
Why go through all of the inconvenience of meeting up in person when you can simply catch up online?
Within the last decade, technology has profoundly shifted the nature of human communication.
Some say we are “hyper-social,” always connected and communicating with multiple people at the same time. Others would say we have become “anti-social,” glued to our devices, and lacking interpersonal skills. So which is it?
Is social media making us less social?
Social Media is making us less social when used to compare oneself to others, contributing to higher levels of loneliness and lower levels of well-being among frequent users. It can be social when used to connect with others.
Let’s take a look at the research.
Also, if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, you can check out my resource page for suggestions on how to find help.
Social Media Contributes to Social Isolation
The first study looking at this phenomenon was published in 1998, around the time when many people were starting to use the internet.
The researchers followed 169 people during the first two years of their internet use to determine if this new technology made them more social or less social, finding:
“…greater use of the Internet was associated with declines in participants’ communication with family members in the household, declines in the size of their social circle, and increases in their depression and loneliness.”
This was seen as quite the paradox, given that the individuals were using the internet extensively as a communication technology.
A 2004 study comparing internet use to face-to-face interaction found a similar conclusion, stating:
…the Internet can decrease social well-being, even though it is often used as a communication tool.
Has anything changed since then?
Ten years later, a 2014 study on college students suffering from internet addiction found:
Results show that excessive and unhealthy Internet use would increase feelings of loneliness over time…[.] This study also found that online social contacts with friends and family were not an effective alternative for offline social interactions in reducing feelings of loneliness.
In her recent book, iGen, Jean Twenge writes about the generation born after 1994, finding high rates of mental health issues and isolation:
“A stunning 31% more 8th and 10th graders felt lonely in 2015 than in 2011, along with 22% more 12th graders”…[.] All in all, iGen’ers are increasingly disconnected from human relationships.
She argues the increasing level of screen-time and decreasing degree of in-person interaction leaves igen lacking social skills:
“In the next decade we may see more young people who know just the right emoji for a situation—but not the right facial expression.”
A 2016 study comments on this generational phenomenon, stating:
It is surprising then that, in spite of this enhanced interconnectivity, young adults may be lonelier than other age groups, and that the current generation may be the loneliest ever.
The correlation between internet use and isolation is fairly established in the literature. But let’s not paint the whole internet with the same brush.
A 2014 study highlights the psychological costs and benefits derived from social media use, stating:
…online tools create a paradox for social connectedness. On one hand, they elevate the ease in which individuals may form and create online groups and communities, but on the other, they can create a source of alienation and ostracism.
It turns out the answer may be a bit more complicated.
Let’s take a look at the specific factors that make the difference.
Social Media Can Be Social (If used to connect)
A 2016 study with the apt subtitle, “Why an Instagram picture may be worth more than a thousand Twitter words,” finds that image-based social media platforms like Instagram and Snapchat may be able to decrease loneliness because of the higher levels of intimacy they provide.
Another 2016 study, specifically looking at Instagram use, found that it isn’t the platform that matters. It is the way the platform is used that matters.
The researchers studied Instagram use among 208 undergraduate students, finding there was one thing that made all the difference: “the social comparison orientation.”
What is social comparison orientation?
It’s when you compare yourself to others on social media. For example, you may find yourself passively scanning through an endless feed of finely curated photos, wishing you had a different body, a different job, a different life!
It’s the sense that everyone has it better than you, and that you’re missing out on all of the best events, vacations, and products.
Students who rated high on social comparison orientation were more likely to widely broadcast their posts in an attempt to gain status. Students who rated low were more likely to use the platform to connect with others meaningfully.
A 2008 study on internet use among older adults supports this distinction, finding:
…greater use of the Internet as a communication tool was associated with a lower level of social loneliness. In contrast, greater use of the Internet to find new people was associated with a higher level of emotional loneliness.
Using the internet as a communication tool can decrease loneliness.
Experimental evidence in a 2004 study, highlights this by measuring a person’s level of loneliness throughout multiple intervals as they engage in an online chat. They concluded:
Internet use was found to decrease loneliness and depression significantly, while perceived social support and self-esteem increased significantly.
Although chatting online can decrease loneliness, what about using social media platforms to post status updates?
A 2012 study conducted an experiment to determine if posting a Facebook status increases or decreases loneliness. Yes, this is an actual experiment.
The researchers told one group of participants to increase their number of status updates for one week. They didn’t give any instructions to a second control group. Results revealed:
(1) that the experimentally induced increase in status updating activity reduced loneliness, (2) that the decrease in loneliness was due to participants feeling more connected to their friends on a daily basis, and (3) that the effect of posting on loneliness was independent of direct social feedback (i.e., responses) by friends.
These results may seem to contradict the previous finding that social media broadcasting is correlated with increased loneliness, but there is a crucial difference: the social comparison orientation.
In this experiment, the researchers did not differentiate between users who had high or low levels of social comparison. The users in the group being told to update their status more frequently were not told to scan their news feeds more often, nor was their social media use manipulated to alter their level of social comparison.
Conclusion
So what is the key lesson here?
Using social media in a way that connects us with others can make us less lonely and more social.
Unfortunately, as social media use increases, we are becoming lonelier.
This trend suggests we may not be using social media in the most social ways, comparing ourselves to others. In addition, we may be sacrificing in-person interaction for the convenience of social media interaction. Both of these factors increase the likelihood of experiencing social isolation.
In that article, I go deep into the research on what keeps our brains hooked on social media likes and how you can use social media in a healthier way.
