Identity, Purpose, and Belonging

How To Be Authentic

by Steve Rose | Sep 20, 2023 | Identity, Purpose, and Belonging

You wake up each morning, slipping on a mask that feels increasingly heavy. Each interaction, every decision, is dictated not by your genuine desires, but by the expectations of others, by societal pressures, or by a version of yourself that doesn’t quite resonate. The weight of these daily performances bears down on your shoulders, making every step feel like you’re trudging through thick mud. The mental gymnastics of constantly monitoring your words, behaviors, and emotions, ensuring they fit the mold, leaves you drained. Every night, as you take off that mask, you’re left wondering when you’ll truly breathe freely, longing for the day you can navigate the world as your authentic self, without the stifling exhaustion of inauthenticity.

If you can relate, this article will help you peel back the layers of expectations and societal pressures, so you can be more authentic. With tools from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we’ll walk this journey together, paving a path toward a more authentic you. Each section is tailored to provide insights, practical exercises, and strategies to reconnect with your true self. By the end, my hope is that you’ll not only understand the value of authenticity but also possess the tools to cultivate it in your daily life.

Understanding Authenticity

In the vast spectrum of human experiences, authenticity stands out as a beacon of genuine existence. But what does it truly mean to live authentically, and why does it hold such significance?

At its core, authenticity is the alignment of one’s actions, words, and feelings with their inner beliefs and values. It’s the courage to be oneself without pretense, and the freedom to express one’s genuine thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. Authentic living involves:

Self-awareness: Recognizing and understanding your thoughts, feelings, desires, and motivations.

Unfiltered Expression: Communicating and behaving in a manner consistent with your true self.

Consistency: Maintaining this alignment across various situations and environments.

The Benefits of Being Authentic

Living authentically is not just a feel-good mantra; it offers tangible benefits that enrich various facets of life:

Personal Fulfillment: By aligning your external world with your inner self, you create a harmony that leads to a deeper sense of satisfaction and contentment.

Deeper Connections: Authenticity fosters genuine relationships. When you are true to yourself, you attract individuals who resonate with your authenticity, leading to more profound and meaningful connections.

Overall Well-being: Research has shown that individuals who live authentically experience lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. The congruence between the inner and outer self promotes a healthier mental state.

The Pitfalls of Inauthentic Living

On the flip side, living inauthentically, as you might have felt, comes with its set of challenges:

Emotional Drain: Pretending to be someone you’re not or suppressing your genuine feelings is emotionally taxing. It’s akin to carrying a weight around, day in and day out.

Loss of Self-Identity: Constantly molding yourself to fit external expectations can blur the lines of your true identity, leading to feelings of confusion and emptiness.

Strained Relationships: Inauthenticity can prevent the formation of genuine connections. Relationships built on pretenses often lack depth and substance.

Mental Health Toll: Living incongruently can increase feelings of anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. The internal conflict between the true self and the projected self can be mentally exhausting.

In essence, while the path of authenticity requires courage and self-reflection, its rewards are manifold. Conversely, the journey of inauthenticity, although seemingly easier at times, often leads to a crossroad of emotional and mental challenges. The choice, as always, rests with you.

If you want to be more authentic, the following techniques from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy will serve as a guide.

Detach from Restrictive Beliefs

In the vast realm of the human psyche, our thoughts play a powerful role. They influence our perceptions, mold our actions, and shape our reality. But what happens when these thoughts, often shaped by years of conditioning, start to dictate our lives in ways that stifle our authentic selves? Welcome to the world of cognitive fusion, where our beliefs and thoughts become so entangled with our identity that they hinder our growth. But there’s a way out – through a transformative process known as cognitive defusion.

Understanding How Our Thoughts Can Dictate Our Actions

Every thought that crosses our mind holds potential power. From the simplest, fleeting ideas to the deep-seated beliefs that have been instilled in us since childhood, each thought carries a weight. The influence of these thoughts is particularly pronounced when they are:

Repetitive: Constantly ruminating over certain ideas can solidify them in our psyche.

Intense: Emotionally charged thoughts, whether positive or negative, have a higher impact on our behavior.

Rooted in Past Traumatic Experiences: Thoughts derived from past traumas or pivotal moments in our lives can profoundly shape our current actions.

While not all thoughts are limiting or restrictive, many of us grapple with negative self-beliefs, such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’ll never succeed,” or “People don’t like me.” When fused with these beliefs, our actions mirror them, leading to self-sabotage, missed opportunities, or strained relationships.

Techniques to “Defuse” from Limiting Beliefs and Narratives

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a powerful tool in combating this fusion: cognitive defusion. Unlike traditional cognitive restructuring techniques that emphasize changing the content of thoughts, cognitive defusion focuses on changing our relationship with our thoughts.

Here are some core techniques:

See Thoughts as Just Thoughts: Recognize that a thought is merely a string of words or an image passing through your mind. It’s not an absolute truth or a command.

Distance Yourself: Instead of saying “I am a failure,” rephrase it as “I’m having the thought that I am a failure.” This subtle shift helps create a gap between you and the thought.

Thank Your Mind: When a limiting belief arises, you can playfully respond with, “Thanks, mind, for that input!” This acknowledges the thought without giving it power.

Paradoxical Techniques: Sometimes, purposefully exaggerating the thought in a playful way can highlight its absurdity. If you think, “I’m always messing things up,” you can amplify it to, “I’ve messed up every single thing in my entire life.” Sometimes it helps to say the thought in the voice of a favorite fictional character.

Practical Exercises for Cognitive Defusion

Now, let’s delve deeper with some hands-on exercises:

Observing Thoughts Meditation:

Find a quiet place and sit comfortably.
Close your eyes and focus on your breath.
As thoughts arise, imagine them as leaves floating on a stream or clouds passing by in the sky.
Watch each thought come and go without judgment or attachment.

Labeling Thoughts:

Throughout the day, practice labeling your thoughts. For instance, if you think, “I can’t do this,” label it as “a self-doubt thought.”
This exercise helps you detach from the thought and see it as a mere mental event.

Using Metaphors:

The “Passengers on the Bus” metaphor: Imagine you’re a bus driver. The passengers are your thoughts. Some passengers (thoughts) are loud and disruptive. But remember, you’re the driver, and you decide the direction of the bus. You can acknowledge the passengers without letting them take control.
The “Radio” metaphor: Think of your mind as a radio. Sometimes, it plays songs (thoughts) you don’t like. But, you can choose to turn down the volume and let it fade into the background as you focus on other things that matter.

Cognitive defusion isn’t about denying or suppressing our thoughts. Instead, it’s about unhooking from them, seeing them for what they truly are: transient mental events. With consistent practice, we can cultivate a mindset where our actions aren’t dictated by every thought that crosses our mind, especially the limiting ones. As you embark on this journey of defusion, you’ll discover a newfound freedom and a clearer path to your authentic self.

A Metaphor: The Radio in the Background

Imagine that your mind is like a radio that’s always on. This radio represents your thoughts and beliefs, broadcasting all kinds of stations throughout your life. Some stations play uplifting tunes, while others might play critical or negative commentary, persistent worries, or dramatic forecasts.

For much of your life, you’ve been trying to tune in to the ‘right’ station, believing that if you could just find the perfect channel, everything would be alright. At times, you’ve become so engrossed in what’s playing that you’ve adjusted your actions, feelings, and even your identity based on the station’s broadcast. When the radio plays songs of self-doubt, you may shrink away from challenges. When it broadcasts tales of potential catastrophes, you might become anxious and avoidant.

Cognitive diffusion in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is like realizing that, while you can’t always control which station the radio is on or what it’s broadcasting, you don’t have to dance to every tune it plays. It’s about learning to hear the radio but deciding for yourself how much attention you give it.

By practicing cognitive diffusion, you can let the radio play in the background without letting it dictate your actions. You can choose to dance to your own rhythm, live by your values, and be authentic, even if the radio sometimes plays songs that don’t match your personal playlist. Over time, the stations that once seemed so commanding fade into the backdrop of your life, allowing you to live more authentically and freely.

Be Willing to Experience Your Feelings and Imperfections

Life is an intricate tapestry of experiences, emotions, and memories. As we navigate our journey, certain emotions or past events can sometimes act as anchors, pulling us into patterns of inauthenticity. Avoiding or suppressing these feelings and memories might provide temporary relief, but it comes at the cost of long-term fulfillment and authenticity. The path to genuine living requires us to face, understand, and accept these aspects of our lives. Acceptance does not mean resignation or agreement, but rather acknowledging our experiences without judgment.

The Importance of Acknowledging and Accepting Emotions and Past Experiences

Releasing Emotional Baggage: By constantly avoiding or denying our emotions, we unconsciously carry them with us, leading to emotional fatigue and mental strain. Acceptance helps in letting go.

Understanding Self-Patterns: Emotions and memories, especially the challenging ones, provide insights into our behavioral patterns. By understanding and accepting them, we can break free from cycles of inauthenticity.

Building Emotional Resilience: Accepting our emotions strengthens our emotional resilience. When we understand that feelings are temporary and that they don’t define us, we become better equipped to handle future challenges.

Promoting Healing: Unresolved memories, especially traumatic ones, can be festering wounds. Acceptance is the first step toward healing.

Techniques to Practice Emotional Acceptance Without Judgment

Cultivating Non-Judgmental Awareness: Recognize emotions without labeling them as “good” or “bad”. Every emotion serves a purpose; it’s our natural response to situations.

Emotional Validation: Instead of shunning certain feelings, validate them. Saying to oneself, “It’s okay to feel this way,” can be empowering.

Avoiding Suppression and Rumination: Both extremes – suppressing emotions or excessively ruminating over them – can be detrimental. Find a balance by acknowledging emotions and letting them flow naturally.

Seeking Professional Help: Sometimes, certain memories or emotions can be overwhelming. Seeking help from a therapist can provide structured guidance on emotional acceptance and processing past trauma.

Practical Exercises for Embracing Acceptance

Expanding Awareness:

Sit in a quiet space and close your eyes.
Take a few deep breaths to center yourself.
Begin by scanning your body, from head to toe. Notice any sensations or tensions.
Shift your focus to your emotions. Name the emotion you’re feeling without judging it (e.g., sadness, joy, frustration).
Allow yourself to feel without trying to change or analyze the emotion.
As you finish, take a few deep breaths and open your eyes.

Visualization:

Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a peaceful place – it could be a beach, forest, or any place you find calming.
Picture a box or container beside you.
As emotions or memories arise, visualize placing them gently into the box.
Once you’ve acknowledged and placed all feelings and memories, imagine yourself burying or floating the box away.
Remember, this exercise isn’t about getting rid of emotions but symbolizes acknowledgment, acceptance, and letting go.

Mindfulness Meditation:

Find a comfortable sitting position.
Focus on your breath – the inhalation and exhalation.
As thoughts or emotions arise, don’t shoo them away. Simply notice them, name them, and return your focus to your breath.
Practice this a few minutes each day. Over time, it can train your mind to observe emotions without getting entangled.

In essence, the journey of embracing acceptance is not a destination but a continual process. By acknowledging and accepting our feelings and memories, we free ourselves from their invisible chains. This liberation paves the way for a more authentic and fulfilling life. Remember, every emotion, every memory, forms the unique story of you. Instead of editing out chapters, embrace them, and you’ll find that they enrich your life in ways you’ve never imagined.

A Metaphor: The Garden of Life

Imagine life as a vast and diverse garden. Throughout this garden, there are a variety of plants, flowers, and trees, some you admire and others you find less appealing. Some sections are lush and serene, while others might seem barren or overrun with weeds.

For a long time, you might have spent your energy trying to weed out the parts you didn’t like, believing that if you could just get rid of the unsightly areas, your garden would be perfect. You may have tirelessly yanked at thorns, bemoaned patches of shade, or tried to control every inch.

Acceptance in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is like realizing you don’t need a ‘perfect’ garden to find beauty and peace. Instead of exhausting yourself battling every unwanted plant, you learn to coexist with them. You start to see value in the thorns as they protect the delicate roses, or the shade as it gives respite on a hot day.

By practicing acceptance, you begin to embrace the entirety of your garden, tending to it with care and attention, but without the harsh judgment. You allow some wildflowers to grow, even if they weren’t in your original plan, and you discover beauty in unexpected corners. This holistic embrace of the garden, both its challenges and splendors, allows you to cultivate a space that’s authentically yours, resonating with the true essence of who you are.

Ground Yourself in the Present Moment

In a world filled with incessant distractions, constant mental chatter, and an ever-growing to-do list, finding our way to the present moment seems like an elusive endeavor. Yet, it is in this very moment, stripped of past regrets and future anxieties, that we find the cornerstone of authenticity. To be truly authentic is to be rooted in the here and now, embracing each moment in its entirety. But why is this present-centered awareness so crucial for authenticity, and how can one cultivate it?

The Significance of Mindfulness and Presence in Cultivating Authenticity

Eliminating Autopilot Mode: Often, we go through life on autopilot, lost in thoughts, without truly experiencing the world around us. Mindfulness pulls us back into the real world, ensuring our actions are intentional and authentic.

Reducing Judgment: A present-centered mindset allows us to experience life without the tinted glasses of judgment. We see things as they are, leading to a genuine understanding and response to life’s events.

Enhancing Self-awareness: Being in the present helps us tune into our inner selves, our emotions, thoughts, and sensations, fostering a deeper self-awareness which is pivotal for authenticity.

Relief from Time-based Stress: Rooting ourselves in the present provides a break from the chains of past regrets and anxieties about the future, facilitating a mental space where authenticity can thrive.

Techniques to Foster a Present-Centered Mindset

Setting Intentional Reminders: Set periodic reminders throughout the day to check in with yourself. It could be a phone alarm or a sticky note, just something to remind you to take a moment to breathe and be present.

Mindful Transitions: Use transitions, like moving from one task to another, as opportunities to ground yourself. Take a few deep breaths, notice your surroundings, and anchor yourself in the moment.

Engaging Fully: Whatever you’re doing, be it eating, listening, or walking, try to do it with full attention. This not only enhances the experience but also cultivates a habit of being present.

Limiting Multitasking: Multitasking can scatter our attention. Try focusing on one task at a time, giving it your full attention.

Practical Exercises for Being in the Present Moment

Mindful Breathing:

Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
Take a moment to notice the natural rhythm of your breath without trying to change it.
Focus on the sensation of the breath entering and leaving your nostrils or the rise and fall of your chest.
If your mind wanders, gently bring it back to your breath. This act of refocusing is in itself a practice of mindfulness.
Start with a few minutes and gradually extend as you become more comfortable.

Grounding Exercises:

5-4-3-2-1: This is a sensory awareness exercise. Identify five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. This exercise is especially useful during moments of overwhelm.
Feet on the Floor: Sit with your feet flat on the ground. Focus all your attention on the soles of your feet – their temperature, pressure, any tingling, etc. This simple exercise can help ground you in the present.

Daily Mindfulness Practices:

Mindful Eating: Instead of eating in a rush or while distracted, eat with attention. Notice the colors, textures, and flavors. Savor each bite.
Mindful Walking: As you walk, be it for exercise or just getting from one place to another, notice the sensation of your feet lifting off, moving through the air, and then making contact with the ground. Feel the air against your skin and any sounds that might accompany your walk.

Authenticity is not a destination but a journey, one best traveled with awareness and presence. By embedding the principles of mindfulness in our daily life, we not only enrich our experiences but also inch closer to our authentic selves. It’s a journey of a thousand steps, and each step taken in the present moment is a step taken in authenticity.

A Metaphor: The Garden of Now

Picture a sprawling, vibrant garden, teeming with life. Each part of this garden represents a moment in your life. There’s the past section with plants that have matured and blossomed, showing their age with faded petals and withering stems. There’s the future section where seeds are planted, awaiting their time to grow, surrounded by the mystery of what they might become.

However, right in the center of this garden, there’s a plot called “The Garden of Now.” Here, flowers are in full bloom, bees are buzzing, and the sun shines just right. The air is freshest, the colors are most vivid, and the fragrances are most beautiful in this section.

Many people, in their journey through life, spend a lot of time tending to the past section, reminiscing or lamenting over the plants that once were. Others spend their time in the future section, planning, worrying, or daydreaming about the seeds and their potential. In doing so, they neglect the Garden of Now, allowing its flowers to wither without appreciation or its fruits to fall uneaten.

Present moment awareness in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is about choosing to spend more time in the Garden of Now. It’s about feeling the sun on your skin, smelling the flowers, and observing the intricate dance of nature that’s happening right in front of you. It’s not about forsaking the past or future but recognizing the richness of the present moment and engaging with it fully.

By anchoring yourself in the Garden of Now, you align more closely with your true self, unburdened by regrets of the past or anxieties of the future. This presence allows you to live more authentically, to appreciate the beauty in front of you, and to cultivate the moments that truly matter.

Detach from the Ego

The human experience is complex, made even more so by the layers of identity we cultivate over our lifetimes. We become entwined with our thoughts, our emotions, our roles, and our stories, often to the point where distinguishing our true selves from these layers feels impossible. But to find authenticity and to genuinely connect with our core, it is helpful to understand the ACT concept of “Self-as-Context” to detach from the ego.

Understanding the ‘Observing Self’ vs. the ‘Thinking Self’

The ‘Thinking Self’: This is the part of us that is caught up in narratives. It’s the voice in our head that constantly narrates our life, judges situations, replays past events, and anticipates the future. It’s heavily influenced by emotions, past experiences, and societal inputs. This self is intertwined with the ego, often defining us by our roles, achievements, failures, and perceptions.

The ‘Observing Self’: Contrary to the thinking self, the observing self is a stable, consistent perspective that has been with us throughout our lives. It’s the part of us that can watch our own thoughts, feelings, and actions without judgment. It’s like the sky, unchanging, while our thoughts and feelings are like clouds that come and go.

Recognizing That We Are Not Defined Solely by Our Thoughts, Feelings, or Roles

Transient Nature of Thoughts and Feelings: Just as clouds pass and change forms, so do our thoughts and feelings. They are temporary and don’t define the entirety of who we are.

Roles as Contextual: The roles we take on (parent, employee, friend) are situational. They provide context but don’t capture our holistic essence. We’re more than the sum of our roles.

The Core Self is Unchanging: While our beliefs, opinions, and emotions might shift over time, the core essence or the observing self remains consistent. Recognizing this can be liberating as it detaches our identity from the fluctuating externalities of life.

Practical Exercises for Recognizing Self-as-Context

Reflections:

Journaling: Dedicate time each day to write down your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Over time, you’ll begin to notice patterns and recognize that while thoughts and emotions recur, they also pass. This practice helps in differentiating the thinking self from the observing self.
Questioning the Ego: Whenever you find yourself heavily identifying with a role or an emotion, ask, “Is this all that I am?” This question can create space for introspection and detachment from the ego.

Guided Meditations:

Anchor to the Breath: Find a quiet space and close your eyes. Focus on your breath. As thoughts arise, observe them without judgment and let them float away, returning your attention to your breath. This practice can enhance the connection with the observing self.
Body Scan Meditation: Starting from your toes and moving up to your head, focus on each part of your body, observing sensations without judgment. This practice not only grounds you in the present but also emphasizes the observing self that notices without getting entangled.

Perspective-Taking Activities:

The Third-Person Technique: Reflect on your day or a particular event from a third-person perspective, as if you were narrating it to someone. This technique offers a detached viewpoint, helping you view situations without the biases of the ego.
Role Play: Engage in role-playing exercises, either alone or with others. By momentarily stepping into different roles, you can gain a clearer understanding that roles are just aspects of life and not the entirety of your identity.

In wrapping up, recognizing the Self-as-Context is akin to finding a compass within, one that always points to the true north amidst life’s storms and calm. By consistently practicing detachment from the ego, we pave the path toward a more genuine and authentic existence. In this space, we find freedom — freedom from restrictive narratives, freedom from stifling roles, and most importantly, the freedom to be our most authentic selves.

A Metaphor: The Sky and the Weather

Visualize the vast expanse of the sky. Infinite, unchanging, and ever-present, it stretches as far as the eye can see. The sky holds everything beneath it—cityscapes, mountains, forests, oceans, and everything in between. Within this sky, weather patterns constantly emerge: storms, sunshine, rainbows, and clouds of all shapes and sizes.

In this metaphor, the sky represents “self-as-context,” the overarching sense of self that is constant and unchanging, regardless of the experiences or ‘weather’ patterns of our lives. The weather represents our fleeting emotions, thoughts, sensations, roles, and memories. Sometimes the weather is stormy, filled with heavy thoughts or powerful emotions. Other times, it’s sunny and calm, with moments of joy and peace.

Many people identify closely with the weather. They might think, “I am sad” when a storm cloud appears or “I am successful” when the sun shines brightly. But this identification can be limiting and inauthentic because it ties our sense of self to the ever-changing conditions of our internal and external experiences.

Recognizing self-as-context is like understanding that, while you might experience the weather, you are not the weather. You are the sky, vast and unchanging, that holds space for all these experiences. Storms come and go, but the sky remains. It doesn’t resist the rain or cling to the sunshine; it simply allows all weather to pass through.

By embracing the perspective of the sky, you gain a more authentic sense of self. You’re not defined by any single weather pattern or even a series of them. Instead, you have the stability and spaciousness of the sky, enabling you to observe and experience life’s weather without getting lost in it. This awareness helps you live with greater authenticity, rooted in the unchanging essence of who you truly are.

Clarify Personal Values

In the labyrinth of life, our values serve as the guiding light, helping us navigate decisions, conflicts, and challenges. They provide a sense of purpose and direction. Without clear values, we may find ourselves lost, making choices that don’t align with our true selves, and feeling disconnected or unfulfilled. Understanding and committing to our core values is foundational for authentic living.

The Importance of Recognizing and Understanding One’s Core Values

Guide for Decision Making: When we’re aware of our values, they act as a compass, leading us towards choices that resonate with our authentic selves.

Foundation for Authentic Relationships: Recognizing our values helps in building relationships that are grounded in mutual respect and understanding. It facilitates deeper connections with like-minded individuals.

A Sense of Purpose: Core values provide a roadmap to a purposeful life. They help in determining our life’s direction and in understanding what truly matters to us.

Resilience During Challenges: During tumultuous times, our values act as anchors, providing stability and strength. They remind us of who we are and what we stand for, even when the world around us is in chaos.

Techniques to Identify and Clarify Personal Values

Self-reflection: Taking the time to introspect about moments in life when we felt incredibly fulfilled or, conversely, very disappointed can offer insights into what we value.

Feedback from Trusted Ones: Sometimes, those close to us can provide a mirror to our values. They can highlight patterns in our behavior that resonate with our core beliefs.

Analyze Past Decisions: Looking back at major life decisions and analyzing the reasons behind them can shed light on underlying values.

Dream Analysis: Our aspirations, hopes, and dreams often align with our core values. Pondering on what we aspire to achieve can help identify what we truly value.

Practical Exercises for Values Clarification

Values Card Sort:

Prepare a set of cards, each containing a value (e.g., “Family,” “Honesty,” “Achievement”). Include as many values as you can think of.
Lay out all the cards and group them into three categories: ‘Very Important to Me’, ‘Important to Me’, and ‘Not Important to Me’.
From the ‘Very Important to Me’ pile, select the top 5-10 values that resonate most deeply.
Reflect on these chosen values, considering their significance in your life.

Journaling Prompts:

Describe a time when you felt genuinely proud of yourself. What values were you honoring at that moment?
Think about someone you deeply admire. What values do they embody?
Describe a time when you felt deeply disappointed or conflicted. Were any of your core values being compromised?
Envision your ideal day. What values are reflected in this vision?

Values-Based Meditation:

Find a quiet space and sit comfortably.
Start with a few minutes of deep breathing to center yourself.
Visualize a time when you were living in complete alignment with your values. Relish the feelings associated with that moment.
Now, imagine a future scenario where you’re embodying these values. Feel the satisfaction, pride, and contentment.
Conclude the meditation by setting an intention to honor these values in your daily life.

Values clarification isn’t a one-time activity. As we evolve, our values might shift or gain more depth. The key is to remain connected to them, ensuring they reflect who we genuinely are. By consistently aligning our actions with our core values, we inch closer to an authentic, fulfilling life. It’s a journey of introspection, understanding, and commitment, but one that paves the way for genuine contentment and purpose.

A Metaphor: The Compass Within

Imagine embarking on a journey through a vast, dense forest. This forest is filled with various paths, some well-trodden and others barely visible. Each path represents different choices, opportunities, and directions in life. As you wander, it’s easy to get distracted by the beautiful sights and sounds, or to become disoriented by the shadows and unclear trails.

In your pocket, you carry a compass. This isn’t just any compass; it’s your personal compass, with its needle pointing towards your true north. This true north isn’t a destination, but rather a direction—it represents your core values, the deep and enduring beliefs and principles that give meaning and purpose to your journey.

As you traverse the forest, there will be times when you’re tempted to follow a popular path, one taken by many before you, thinking it’s the “right” way. Or you might stumble upon a path that seems easier, even if it leads away from your true north. But every time you consult your compass, it reminds you of your values, of the direction that aligns most authentically with who you are and what you stand for.

Values in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy are like this compass. They aren’t about reaching a particular endpoint or destination but guiding you in your daily actions and decisions. They help you navigate the complexities of life with integrity and authenticity. When faced with crossroads or distractions, your values are the consistent guide that brings clarity.

By frequently checking in with your compass, by understanding and honoring your values, you move through life’s forest more authentically. Even if you wander or get lost momentarily, your compass—the embodiment of your values—will always help you find your way back to your authentic path.

Align Actions with Personal Values

The pursuit of authenticity demands more than just understanding one’s values. The true test lies in translating these values into tangible actions. It’s in the realm of committed action that values come to life, steering us towards a life that reflects our true essence. Acting in harmony with our values leads not only to external accomplishments but also to internal contentment.

Emphasizing the Need to Act in Ways That Resonate with One’s Values

Consistency Between Beliefs and Behavior: Living a life where there’s a mismatch between what we believe and how we act can lead to cognitive dissonance, an uncomfortable tension. Conversely, when actions mirror beliefs, there’s a sense of internal harmony.

Enhanced Life Satisfaction: Studies consistently show that individuals who act in line with their values experience higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction.

Building Authentic Relationships: When we consistently act according to our values, it not only instills self-respect but also garners respect from others, laying the foundation for genuine relationships.

Resilience in the Face of Challenges: Challenges are an inevitable part of life. However, navigating them becomes more manageable when actions are grounded in core values, providing a clear direction amid uncertainties.

Techniques to Ensure Actions Align with Personal Beliefs and Aspirations

Mindful Awareness: Regularly check in with yourself. Ask if your actions are reflecting your core values or if they’re influenced by external pressures.

Accountability Partners: Share your values and related goals with a trusted friend or family member. Having someone to check in with can help stay on track.

Visual Reminders: Create visual cues around your living or working space that remind you of your values. It can be quotes, images, or symbols that resonate with your core beliefs.

Regular Reflection: Dedicate time weekly or monthly to reflect on your actions. Assess if they’re in line with your values and where adjustments need to be made.

Practical Exercises to Translate Values into Committed Actions

Goal Setting:

SMART Goals: Ensure that your goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. This framework ensures clarity and feasibility.
Alignment with Values: Before finalizing any goal, assess its alignment with your values. Ask yourself why this goal is essential and which core value it resonates with.
Review and Adjust: Regularly review your goals, assessing your progress and making necessary adjustments.

Behavioral Experiments:

Predict and Act: Predict the outcome of acting in alignment with a particular value and then engage in that behavior. Afterward, reflect on the experience. Did it match your prediction? How did it make you feel?
Challenge and Change: If you identify a behavior that’s not in line with your values, challenge it. Experiment with a new behavior that aligns more closely with your core values and observe the outcomes.

Creating Action Plans:

Break It Down: For each value, list down specific actions that reflect that value.
Prioritize: Not all actions have equal importance. Prioritize them based on their impact and feasibility.
Set Deadlines: Assign a timeline to each action. Having a deadline creates a sense of commitment.
Review and Celebrate: Regularly review your action plan. Celebrate the actions you’ve completed, and adjust the ones you haven’t.

Recognizing and understanding our values is just the starting point. The journey towards authenticity is marked by the steps we take to bring these values to life. Committed action is the bridge between intention and reality, between aspiration and achievement. It’s a dynamic process of reflection, adjustment, and persistence. But at its core, it’s about honoring oneself, ensuring that every step taken resonates with the heart’s true desires and the soul’s deepest beliefs. In this alignment lies the promise of an authentic, fulfilling existence.

A Metaphor: The Artisan’s Craft

Picture a skilled artisan in a rustic workshop, surrounded by tools and raw materials. This artisan represents you, and the craft symbolizes your life and your journey toward living authentically. Each day, the artisan chooses to create, to mold, to refine. Some days, the creations flow effortlessly, and other days, mistakes happen or unexpected challenges arise.

Now, in a corner of this workshop, there are blueprints. These aren’t ordinary blueprints, but dynamic, ever-evolving ones. These blueprints represent your values, the guiding principles that give shape and direction to what the artisan creates.

Committed action in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is the deliberate, intentional act of the artisan working on their craft, even when it’s challenging or uncertain. It’s about making consistent choices that align with the blueprints, even when tempted to stray or when faced with distractions. Each hammer strike, each chisel scrape, each brushstroke is a committed action, taken with mindfulness of the overarching design.

Living authentically doesn’t mean every step of the process is smooth or that the end product is flawless. It means that the artisan is present, engaged, and intentional with every action, regardless of the outcome. Over time, with every committed action, the craft begins to reflect the true essence of the artisan, shaped and guided by the values represented in the blueprints.

By committing to actions that resonate with your values, you become like the artisan—living and creating authentically, honoring the unique blueprint of your life, and molding your experiences with intention and purpose.

Conclusion

Imagine waking up each day, feeling a sense of alignment between your innermost beliefs and the life you lead. Each decision, each action, each interaction is imbued with a sense of purpose and genuineness. Living authentically isn’t about perfection; it’s about congruence. It’s the peace that comes from knowing that your external world mirrors your inner values and aspirations. It’s the joy in recognizing that your choices, no matter how big or small, are a true reflection of who you are.

But remember, cultivating authenticity is not a destination but a continuous journey. Like the ebb and flow of the tide, there will be moments of clarity and moments of doubt. That’s the nature of growth and self-discovery. However, every time you choose to act in line with your values, every time you decide to be genuine in your interactions, and every time you prioritize your inner truth over external pressures, you take a step closer to your authentic self.

Embrace this journey with patience and compassion. There’s no predefined path or timeline. It’s a personal voyage that unfolds uniquely for each individual. The commitment to authenticity is, in essence, a commitment to oneself. And on this journey, know that every effort, every introspection, and every moment of self-awareness is a beacon guiding you closer to the heart of your true self. Be gentle with yourself and celebrate every step you take towards authenticity. The path may be winding, but the rewards of living authentically are boundless and profoundly enriching.

Why We Buy Things We Don’t Need

by Steve Rose | Aug 6, 2023 | Addiction and Recovery, Identity, Purpose, and Belonging

Imagine for a moment, you’re standing in the center of a luxurious shopping mall, your arms heavy with shopping bags brimming with the latest fashion, cutting-edge tech gadgets, and high-end accessories. Every shiny object you possess promises happiness, each one a new coat of paint on your carefully crafted facade. The brands you wear, the car you drive, the decor of your home – each of these items serves as a carefully chosen piece in your elaborate tapestry of identity. This is the world of “having.”

In this world, the more you accumulate, the more substantial you feel. Yet, there’s a constant undercurrent of unease. Beneath the shiny surface, a nagging emptiness persists. The glimmer of new acquisitions dims quickly, replaced by a restless craving for the next thing. Even as you gather, you can’t shake off the gnawing suspicion that something essential is missing. But, what could that be when you have so much?

Now, imagine a different scene. You’re seated quietly by a serene lake, watching the sunset splash vibrant hues against the canvas of the sky. The cool grass beneath you, the gentle breeze whispering through the leaves, the rhythmic song of the nearby stream – it’s just you being present in this world, not as a collector, but as an active participant.

Here, there are no possessions to validate your worth, no acquisitions to strengthen your identity. It’s just you, stripped of societal labels, experiencing life in its raw, unfiltered form. You’re aware, open, and fully engaged with your surroundings. You find joy in the simple act of existing, in relationships, in love, and in personal growth. There’s a sense of peace and fulfillment that springs from within, untethered to the transitory thrill of possessions. This is the world of “being.”

The difference is profound. One world thrives on acquisition, with happiness always a purchase away. The other draws its essence from the simple, profound act of existing, of participating in the world without the constant need to possess. One leaves you restless, the other, at peace. The question now is, which world would you choose to inhabit?

Despite the profound allure of the ‘being’ mode, many of us find ourselves entrenched in the ‘having’ mode. The primary reason for this lies in societal conditioning. We grow up in a world that equates success with accumulation, teaching us to measure our worth in terms of material possessions and societal status. This creates a constant, frenzied pursuit of more – more wealth, more success, more objects. The ‘having’ mode offers us a tangible, quantifiable way to gauge our progress and standing, feeding into our primal need for security and acceptance. Additionally, the instantaneous nature of gratification in the ‘having’ mode often overshadows the deep, lasting contentment of the ‘being’ mode, which demands patience, self-reflection, and a break away from societal norms. The familiarity and immediate reward of the ‘having’ mode, combined with societal pressures, often makes it difficult for us to break free and fully embrace the ‘being’ mode.

Having vs. Being

Erich Fromm, a renowned social psychologist, psychoanalyst, and humanistic philosopher, proposed a distinct perspective on the concept of selfhood. Fromm saw the self not as a static entity but as a dynamic process of relating to the world. He argued that our relationship with the world and with ourselves is shaped by two primary modes of existence: ‘having’ and ‘being.’ These modes aren’t just ways we interact with external objects or individuals, but they also fundamentally shape our understanding and experience of selfhood.

The ‘having’ mode, as Fromm defines it, is characterized by possession, acquisition, and consumption. It is about owning and controlling, with the self often defined by what one has. On the other hand, the ‘being’ mode is about experiencing and relating, with emphasis on authenticity and presence. The ‘being’ mode is less about possession and more about expression, less about owning and more about being. It views the self not in terms of ownership, but as a process, a continuous act of ‘being’ in the world.

Fromm argues that the ‘being’ mode of existence leads to a more authentic and meaningful experience of selfhood. In the ‘being’ mode, our identity isn’t tied to our possessions or societal status, but it’s derived from our experiences, our relationships, and our own personal growth. This allows for a more authentic selfhood, unburdened by the superficiality of possessions and societal expectations. In essence, ‘being’ means living in the authenticity of our existence, acknowledging our innate human capabilities of love, reason, and productive work. It implies being fully present and engaged in each moment, connecting deeply with others, and living a life of purpose and meaning. This, Fromm suggests, is the pathway to achieving genuine happiness and fulfilment.

The ‘Having’ Mode of Existence and Its Impact on Selfhood

In Fromm’s analysis of human existence, the ‘having’ mode emerges as a dominant paradigm that pervades our society and individual lives. This mode of existence is defined by possession, accumulation, and consumption. It’s a mode where self-worth is evaluated by the material goods one possesses, the titles one holds, and the accolades one has received. It’s a mode where life becomes a quest for more, each new acquisition promising happiness and fulfillment, yet invariably falling short.

The ‘having’ mode creates a worldview centered around materialism and consumerism. It prompts us to perceive the world, and indeed ourselves, as objects to be owned and controlled. In this mode, we are driven by the need to accumulate and possess – be it wealth, knowledge, or even relationships. Our focus is on attaining, owning, and preserving, and life becomes a competitive race to amass more than our peers. Fromm asserts that this mode of existence objectifies the world and the self, leading to a sense of disconnection and alienation.

The societal and personal implications of the ‘having’ mode are profound and pervasive. On a societal level, this mode fuels economic systems built around continuous growth and consumption, often at the cost of environmental sustainability and social equality. It fosters societies where individuals are valued for what they have rather than who they are, leading to social stratification, competition, and disparity.

On a personal level, the ‘having’ mode fosters a sense of dissatisfaction and insecurity. The pursuit of ‘having’ more inevitably leads to a perpetual state of wanting, as each new acquisition loses its charm and gives way to the desire for the next. It breeds discontent and anxiety, as our self-worth becomes tied to the transient and unpredictable nature of external possessions. This mode also leads to isolation, as our obsession with accumulation can overshadow the importance of genuine relationships and shared experiences.

In the ‘having’ mode, our identities become closely tied to our possessions and acquisitions. We start to define ourselves not by our inherent qualities, experiences, or relationships, but by what we own and what we can display to the world. In this process, we may lose touch with our authentic selves, suppressing or ignoring the aspects of our identity that don’t contribute to our ‘having.’

Furthermore, the ‘having’ mode encourages us to adopt societal standards and norms to attain more, often at the expense of our individuality. We may find ourselves conforming to societal expectations, chasing goals that aren’t truly ours, and suppressing our genuine needs and desires. This constant pursuit of external validation inhibits our ability to connect with our true selves and live authentically.

Moreover, the ‘having’ mode tends to foster a sense of separateness and disconnection. By objectifying the world and ourselves, we lose the sense of interconnection and interdependence that is crucial for our sense of self and our place in the world. In contrast, the ‘being’ mode of existence, which is rooted in connection, experience, and presence, allows for a more authentic and fulfilling experience of selfhood.

The ‘having’ mode of existence, as Erich Fromm posits, can be likened to an addiction, where the insatiable desire for more operates much like the cravings that characterize substance dependency. Just as an addict seeks escape in drugs or alcohol, individuals entrenched in the ‘having’ mode seek temporary respite from inner emptiness or discontent through the acquisition of external objects or status.

Fromm suggests that the ‘having’ mode of existence is fueled by a deep-seated anxiety that stems from feelings of inadequacy, emptiness, and disconnection. The act of acquiring and possessing, therefore, serves as a coping mechanism, a way to temporarily allay these anxieties. Every new acquisition provides a fleeting sense of fulfillment and accomplishment, momentarily filling the existential void.

But much like any addiction, the ‘high’ of the new possession is temporary. The relief and happiness garnered from the latest acquisition quickly dissipate, leaving behind the same gnawing void, the same inner emptiness. As the pleasure derived from the new possession wanes, the need for the next fix – the next acquisition – arises. Thus begins a perpetual cycle of desire and fulfillment, a ceaseless quest for the next high, akin to the relentless cycle of craving and relief experienced in addiction.

This constant chase for more provides an escape, a distraction from the task of facing and understanding oneself. It’s easier to lose oneself in the race for more than to pause and confront the discomfort of one’s inner world. The ‘having’ mode thus serves as an effective, albeit unhealthy, strategy to evade self-confrontation and self-understanding.

In this sense, the ‘having’ mode provides a temporary refuge from the daunting task of being one’s authentic self. It offers a diversion, a way to avoid the challenging, often uncomfortable process of self-exploration and personal growth. It allows us to construct an external identity based on our possessions, saving us from the demanding task of building an internal identity based on self-knowledge, personal values, and authentic experiences.

The ‘Being’ Mode of Existence and Its Influence on Selfhood

The ‘being’ mode of existence, as described by Erich Fromm, is a state where one is focused more on experiencing, expressing, and relating, rather than possessing and accumulating. It’s a mode of existence characterized by presence, authenticity, and active participation in life. In the ‘being’ mode, we experience the world and ourselves not as objects to be owned, but as dynamic entities to be engaged with.

In the ‘being’ mode, life isn’t a quest for more, but a journey of discovery and growth. This mode doesn’t measure success in terms of possessions or accolades, but in terms of personal development, fulfilling relationships, and meaningful contributions. It encourages us to focus on the here and now, to be fully present in each moment, and to engage with the world and others in a genuine, meaningful way.

The ‘being’ mode offers a radically different approach to selfhood than the ‘having’ mode. In the ‘being’ mode, one’s identity isn’t tied to possessions or societal status. Instead, it emerges from one’s experiences, relationships, and personal growth. This allows for an authentic selfhood, unburdened by the pressures of conformity and accumulation.

The ‘being’ mode encourages us to value our unique experiences, emotions, and perspectives, fostering a sense of individuality. It promotes self-expression and creativity, encouraging us to express our true selves in our interactions with the world. By focusing on our inherent qualities and experiences, the ‘being’ mode helps us build an internal identity that reflects our true selves, rather than a constructed identity based on external possessions or societal expectations.

Furthermore, the ‘being’ mode fosters a sense of interconnectedness, reminding us that we are not isolated entities, but part of a greater whole. This sense of connection, of belonging, provides a deep and lasting fulfillment, far surpassing the temporary gratification offered by possessions.

The Role of Unhelpful Narratives in Sustaining the ‘Having’ Mode

From childhood, we are exposed to a variety of narratives about who we are supposed to be and what constitutes a ‘successful’ life. These narratives, which are often imbued with societal norms and expectations, can shape our perceptions of self-worth and success. If we internalize these narratives uncritically, we may start to believe that we are only as good as what we possess, that our worth is determined by our ability to attain and accumulate.

These internalized narratives can foster a pervasive sense of inadequacy, a feeling of not being enough just as we are. This feeling can manifest as a deep-seated shame, a belief that we are inherently flawed or lacking. This shame can be debilitating, eroding our self-esteem and preventing us from recognizing and expressing our inherent worth.

In an attempt to compensate for this sense of inadequacy, we may turn to the ‘having’ mode of existence. We may start to seek validation and fulfillment in external possessions, believing that if we can just have more, achieve more, we will finally be enough. The ‘having’ mode thus becomes a way of coping with our feelings of shame and inadequacy, a way to prove to ourselves and others that we are indeed worthy.

But the ‘having’ mode can never truly compensate for a lack of self-acceptance. No matter how much we have or achieve, it will never be enough if we don’t feel enough in ourselves. The ‘having’ mode can only provide a temporary distraction, a fleeting sense of accomplishment that soon gives way to the same feelings of shame and inadequacy.

In the absence of self-acceptance, we may also experience a sense of isolation, a feeling of being fundamentally separate from others. This sense of isolation can deepen the existential void, reinforcing our feelings of inadequacy and our reliance on the ‘having’ mode.

In this way, unhelpful narratives about ourselves can create a vicious cycle, where feelings of shame and inadequacy fuel the ‘having’ mode, which in turn reinforces these feelings and deepens our existential void. Breaking free from this cycle requires challenging these unhelpful narratives, cultivating self-acceptance, and embracing the ‘being’ mode of existence. Only then can we truly be ourselves, free from shame and isolation, and find genuine fulfillment in our lives.

Many unhelpful narratives stem from societal expectations and beliefs that are ingrained in us from an early age. These narratives are typically generalized, often overlooking individual differences and unique life paths. They promote a limited and often unrealistic image of success and self-worth, leading to feelings of inadequacy when these expectations aren’t met. Some common examples include:

“Success is defined by material wealth and professional achievement.” This narrative equates success solely with economic status and career progression. It overlooks other aspects of life such as personal development, relationships, and wellbeing, leading to the belief that one’s worth is tied to financial success and professional status.
“You must always be productive.” This narrative pushes the idea that constant productivity and busyness are signs of value and worth. It discourages rest and self-care, leading to burnout and reinforcing the belief that you are only valuable when you are producing or achieving.
“You must conform to societal standards and expectations.” This narrative encourages conformity to societal norms, whether it’s related to appearance, behavior, or life choices. It discourages individuality and self-expression, leading to the belief that one’s worth is dependent on the approval and acceptance of others.
“You should always put others’ needs before your own.” This narrative promotes self-sacrifice and self-neglect, often leading to the belief that taking care of oneself is selfish or undeserving.
“You should be perfect.” This narrative pushes the unrealistic expectation of perfection in all aspects of life. It reinforces the belief that mistakes or failures are unacceptable and that one’s worth is tied to perfection.
“You are not enough as you are.” This overarching narrative combines elements from all the above, leading to a constant feeling of inadequacy, as if something is always missing or not good enough in oneself.
“You are responsible for others’ happiness and well-being.” This narrative promotes an unrealistic sense of responsibility, suggesting that we are accountable for the emotions and life outcomes of those around us. It creates an enormous, often unbearable, burden of guilt and obligation, leading individuals to believe they have failed when others are unhappy or when things go wrong, even when these situations are outside their control. This narrative can also cause individuals to neglect their own needs and boundaries, as they are continuously prioritizing the needs and desires of others. In extreme cases, it can lead to codependency, where one’s self-worth is completely tied to their ability to care for, and be needed by, others.

These unhelpful narratives contribute to feelings of shame and inadequacy, fueling the ‘having’ mode of existence as a means of compensation. Recognizing and challenging these narratives is a critical step towards embracing the ‘being’ mode and cultivating authentic selfhood.

Overcoming Challenges in the Journey towards ‘Being’

The transition from ‘having’ to ‘being’ is far from easy. It involves unlearning deeply ingrained habits and narratives, facing uncomfortable truths about ourselves, and navigating a societal system that often rewards ‘having’ over ‘being.’ It is a journey riddled with obstacles and fears, but overcoming them is a critical part of this transformational process.

One of the most common obstacles in this journey is fear – fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, and fear of failure. The ‘having’ mode, despite its shortcomings, offers a familiar comfort. It’s a known entity, a clear yardstick against which we can measure our worth and success. The ‘being’ mode, on the other hand, is an uncharted territory. It offers no tangible benchmarks, no concrete measures of success. This ambiguity can be unsettling, provoking anxiety and fear.

Fear of rejection is another significant obstacle. The ‘being’ mode involves expressing our true selves, and this authenticity can leave us feeling vulnerable. The fear of being judged or rejected for who we truly are can deter us from embracing the ‘being’ mode.

Similarly, fear of inadequacy and failure can be significant roadblocks. In the ‘having’ mode, we can always strive for more, always pursue the next acquisition. But in the ‘being’ mode, we must confront the possibility that we are not enough, that we may fail in our endeavors.

Fromm offers several strategies to help us navigate these challenges. First and foremost, he advocates for self-awareness. By becoming aware of our fears and obstacles, we can better understand them and devise strategies to address them. This involves honest self-reflection, a willingness to face our fears and vulnerabilities.

Fromm also emphasizes the power of love and connection. By fostering meaningful relationships, we can create a support system that can help us navigate the challenges and fears that arise in our journey towards ‘being.’ These relationships can provide us with encouragement, perspective, and a sense of belonging, helping us feel less alone in our struggles.

Another key strategy is the practice of mindfulness. By focusing on the present moment, we can mitigate our fears of the unknown and our anxieties about the future. Mindfulness allows us to experience life as it is, rather than as we fear it might be.

Lastly, Fromm encourages us to challenge societal norms and expectations, to question the narratives we’ve internalized about success and self-worth. This involves critical thinking, courage, and a willingness to stand against societal pressures.

The transition from ‘having’ to ‘being’ is not an overnight process. It’s a journey that requires patience, persistence, and resilience. There will be setbacks and disappointments, moments of doubt and despair. But it’s important to remember that these are all part of the process.

Change takes time, and personal growth is often a non-linear journey. There may be times when we revert back to the ‘having’ mode, when our fears and obstacles seem insurmountable. But with each setback, we can learn, adapt, and grow stronger.

The ‘being’ mode is not a destination but a continuous process, a way of life. It involves a daily commitment to self-awareness, authenticity, and personal growth. It’s about learning to be comfortable with uncertainty, to embrace vulnerability, and to find fulfillment in the journey itself.

Clarifying Values: A Compass for the ‘Being’ Mode

Values are like a compass; they provide direction and purpose in our lives, guiding our decisions and actions. In the ‘being’ mode, values take on an even greater importance. They help define who we are beyond what we have, serving as an anchor of authenticity and integrity in a world that often prioritizes possessions and achievements.

Values are deeply held beliefs about what is important and worthwhile in life. They are principles that guide our behavior, decisions, and interactions. They are not rules imposed by society or expectations dictated by others. Rather, they are personal and intrinsic, reflecting our unique perspectives, experiences, and aspirations.

Identifying and clarifying your values is a process of introspection and reflection. It requires honest self-examination, an openness to explore your beliefs, feelings, and experiences.

One way to start this process is by considering what truly matters to you. Think about the times when you felt most fulfilled, content, or alive. What were you doing? Who were you with? What about those experiences felt meaningful?

You can also reflect on the qualities and behaviors you admire in others. What values do they embody? Do these align with what you consider important in life?

It’s equally essential to consider your reactions to challenging situations. How do you respond when faced with adversity or conflict? Your responses can offer insights into your core values.

It’s important to remember that there are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ values. Each person’s values are unique and can evolve over time. The aim here is not to judge or compare, but to gain a deeper understanding of what truly matters to you.

Once you’ve identified your values, you can use them as a guide in your journey towards the ‘being’ mode. Your values can help you make decisions that align with your true self, rather than societal expectations or external pressures. They can guide your actions, helping you live authentically and with integrity.

In the ‘being’ mode, values become more than mere guidelines; they become a way of life. They infuse meaning into our experiences, fostering a sense of purpose and fulfillment. By living according to our values, we can transcend the ‘having’ mode and embrace the ‘being’ mode, cultivating a life that is not just successful, but also meaningful and fulfilling.

Journaling can be a powerful tool for introspection and self-discovery. Here are some prompts that can help you clarify your values:

List the three most meaningful moments in your life. What made these moments meaningful? What values were you expressing or fulfilling in these moments?
Describe a time when you felt proud of a decision you made. What values were you honoring with this decision?
List the qualities you admire most in others. How do these qualities reflect the values you deem important?
Think about a time when you were faced with a difficult decision. What values did you consider in making your choice?
What do you want your legacy to be? How do your values align with this vision?
Imagine you are at your 100th birthday party. What would you want people to say about you and your life? What values are reflected in these statements?
Write about a time when you felt conflicted or dissatisfied. Were your actions or decisions at odds with your values? How so?
If you had all the time and resources in the world, what would you do? How does this relate to your values?
Think about the people you spend most of your time with. Do their values align with yours? How does this affect your relationship with them?
Reflect on your daily routine. How are your values reflected in how you spend your time?

Remember, these prompts are meant to guide your introspection. You don’t have to answer all of them at once, and your responses may evolve over time. The goal is to facilitate a deeper understanding of what truly matters to you, providing a foundation for your journey towards the ‘being’ mode.

Fostering Connection and Community: Nurturing the ‘Being’ Orientation

In the ‘being’ mode, connection and community play pivotal roles. As social beings, we thrive on the relationships and bonds we form with others. Connection and community provide a sense of belonging, enhance our emotional well-being, and enrich our lives with shared experiences and mutual support. They serve as an antidote to the isolation often perpetuated by the ‘having’ mode, grounding us in the collective human experience.

Authentic connections are characterized by mutual respect, understanding, and empathy. These relationships provide a safe space for us to be ourselves, free from judgment or expectation. To build authentic connections, we must be willing to be vulnerable, to share our thoughts and feelings honestly, and to listen with an open heart and mind. This involves showing up as our true selves, expressing our values, and honoring the values of others.

Mutual support is also a vital component of authentic connections. This doesn’t mean simply providing help when needed, but also celebrating each other’s successes, providing comfort in times of distress, and standing together in the face of adversity.

Community goes beyond individual relationships; it refers to a collective sense of belonging and camaraderie. It’s about being part of something larger than ourselves, sharing common interests, goals, or values.

Cultivating community can be achieved in various ways. It could involve joining clubs or organizations related to your interests, volunteering for causes you believe in, or participating in local events. These activities not only foster a sense of community but also provide opportunities to express your values and contribute to something meaningful.

In fostering connection and community, we nurture the ‘being’ orientation. These relationships and experiences encourage us to live authentically, to express our values, and to engage fully in the present moment. They shift our focus from ‘having’ to ‘being,’ from individual achievement to collective well-being.

By embracing connection and community, we are not just enriching our own lives but also contributing to a more compassionate, connected, and authentic society. This is the essence of the ‘being’ mode – a life lived not in pursuit of possessions, but in the pursuit of meaningful relationships, shared experiences, and a sense of belonging. This is how we nurture our authentic selves and find true fulfillment.

Fromm’s Critique of Modern Consumer Culture: The Failure to Meet Fundamental Human Needs

In his works, Erich Fromm critically examines the effects of modern consumer culture on our lives and our ability to truly ‘be.’ His critique is rooted in the understanding that the pervasive consumer culture, characterized by relentless pursuit of possessions and achievements, often fails to meet our fundamental human needs. This failure, Fromm believes, leads to a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction, distancing us from our true selves and undermining our ability to connect, grow, and find fulfillment.

Fromm argues we have a core human need for relatedness, rootedness, transcendence, identity, and a frame of orientation.

Relatedness refers to our inherent need to connect with others, to feel a sense of belonging and mutual understanding. However, consumer culture, with its emphasis on individualism and competition, often erodes the quality of our relationships. It commodifies relationships, making them transactional rather than meaningful, based on what others can offer us rather than on mutual respect and understanding. This lack of authentic connection leaves us feeling isolated and unfulfilled, undermining our ‘being’ orientation.

Rootedness is the need to feel grounded and at home in the world. But the transient nature of consumer culture, with its focus on the new, the better, and the more, often disconnects us from a sense of stability and groundedness. This can result in feelings of restlessness, uncertainty, and insecurity, hindering our ability to live fully in the present and connect meaningfully with the world around us.

Transcendence refers to our inherent desire to rise above our individual selves and contribute to something larger. However, consumer culture’s emphasis on individualism and personal gain often leaves little room for altruism and service. This lack of transcendence leads to a sense of emptiness and meaninglessness, undermining our ability to find purpose and fulfillment in our lives.

A strong sense of identity is essential for our well-being and self-worth. However, consumer culture often dictates our identity based on what we have rather than who we are. This external validation undermines our internal sense of self, leading to feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. It fosters a ‘having’ orientation, where our worth is measured by our possessions and achievements, distancing us from our true selves and our ‘being’ orientation.

Our frame of orientation refers to our understanding of the world and our place in it. But consumer culture often provides a skewed perspective, framing success and worth in terms of possessions and achievements. This narrow viewpoint limits our understanding of the world and ourselves, fostering a sense of dissatisfaction and emptiness.Fromm’s Vision of a “Sane Society” and His Critique of Capitalism

Erich Fromm’s concept of a “sane society” encapsulates his vision for a world in which individuals and communities flourish, free from the fetters of an economic system that prioritizes material gain over human wellbeing. He contrasts this with what he views as the “insane” society of his time, characterized by unchecked capitalism, rampant consumerism, and a culture that values ‘having’ over ‘being.’

Fromm’s critique of capitalism is a centerpiece in his work, as he sees it as a fundamental driver of the ‘having’ mode of existence. He views capitalism as an economic system that breeds alienation, fosters competition at the expense of community, and reduces individuals to mere cogs in the economic machine. He argues that under capitalism, human values and relationships are commodified, reducing the richness of human life to transactional exchanges.

Fromm posits that capitalism, with its emphasis on endless growth, profit maximization, and individualistic competition, encourages a culture that equates self-worth with economic success. He believes that this fosters an unhealthy focus on material gain and consumerism, perpetuating the ‘having’ mode of existence, where individuals are valued for what they own rather than who they are.

According to Fromm, capitalism does not adequately cater to the fundamental human needs for relatedness, rootedness, a sense of identity, a frame of orientation, and the need for transcendence. Instead, it promotes a lifestyle centered around acquisition and consumption, fostering feelings of insecurity, isolation, and dissatisfaction.

Fromm believes that this focus on ‘having’ inhibits human potential. He argues that people are prevented from realizing their full capabilities and from developing into well-rounded, fulfilled individuals. This is because, in a society that values possession over personhood, individuals are discouraged from engaging in self-exploration and personal growth.

In contrast to the alienating forces of capitalism, Fromm envisions a “sane society” as one that fosters the ‘being’ mode of existence. This is a society that promotes cooperation and community over competition, that values individuals for who they are rather than what they own, and that encourages personal growth and self-realization.

In a sane society, economic systems and structures would exist to serve human needs, rather than humans existing to serve the economy. Fromm advocates for a socio-economic system that promotes human welfare, social justice, and equality. He sees the potential for economic systems to be designed and operated in ways that encourage the ‘being’ mode of existence and meet fundamental human needs.

Fromm suggests that the transformation from an ‘insane’ capitalist society to a ‘sane’ society requires a fundamental shift in societal values and structures. This includes a reevaluation of our economic systems, a move away from consumer culture, and a shift towards a society that prioritizes human well-being, community, and cooperation.

Conclusion

In conclusion, it’s clear that the journey towards ‘being’ is a transformative one. It requires you to confront deeply ingrained beliefs, unlearn the norms of a ‘having’-oriented culture, and cultivate a new understanding of what it means to truly ‘be’ yourself.

Remember that change starts with you. The ‘having’ mode of existence, while deeply embedded in our societal structures, can be counteracted by the way you choose to live your life. Erich Fromm’s philosophy serves as a guidepost, encouraging you to value authenticity over acquisition, connection over competition, and self-realization over societal validation.

Ask yourself: How can I live more authentically? How can I shift my focus from what I have to who I am? What steps can I take to foster connection, community, and contribute to something larger than myself? You’ll find that these questions lead you down a path to a deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you.

Recognize that this journey towards ‘being’ is not a quick or easy one. It takes time, patience, and self-compassion. It is a continuous process of self-reflection, growth, and transformation. But the rewards are immeasurable: a stronger sense of self, deeper connections, and a life of purpose and fulfillment.

In a world that often prioritizes ‘having,’ choosing to embrace ‘being’ is a radical act. It is an affirmation of your true self, a declaration of your values, and a contribution to the creation of a more compassionate, authentic society. As you embark on this journey, remember that you are not alone. There is a community of individuals on this path, each working to embody ‘being’ in their own way, each contributing to the creation of a ‘sane’ society.

In the end, the journey towards ‘being’ is more than just a philosophical exploration. It’s a journey towards a more authentic, fulfilled, and connected life. It’s about being yourself, in the truest sense of the word. And there is no greater journey than that.

How to Build Intrinsic Motivation

by Steve Rose | Aug 4, 2023 | Identity, Purpose, and Belonging

Imagine waking up each morning to the relentless sound of your alarm, your day already mapped out by a strict set of rules. “You should exercise,” “You should finish that report,” “You should respond to all your emails,” – a never-ending list of tasks, obligations, and responsibilities, structured by societal expectations and external standards.

Your motivation is fueled by the ‘shoulds,’ and every moment of your day is dictated by them. The desire to do things because they make you happy or bring you fulfillment is overshadowed by a rigid set of rules that you ‘must’ abide by. It’s as if your life has become a box, and anything that doesn’t fit into that box is deemed inappropriate or wrong.

And what happens when you fail to live up to these standards? That’s when the shame spiral begins. You feel inadequate, guilty, as if you’re constantly falling short. Instead of looking at failure as an opportunity for learning and growth, it becomes a source of self-condemnation, a weight pulling you deeper into a sea of self-doubt and criticism.

Living according to rule-based motivation is exhausting, leaving you feeling like you’re running on a treadmill, constantly moving but getting nowhere. It’s a cycle that can seem impossible to break, but there’s a more fulfilling way to live: through value-based, intrinsic motivation.

Think about the possibility of experiencing a different approach. One where you are driven not by “shoulds,” but by “wants” – not because you are compelled to by societal standards, but because you genuinely desire to. Picture yourself guided by a set of deeply personal values, ones that align with who you truly are, rather than a generic rulebook that seems to have been thrust upon you.

Imagine waking up to a day where tasks and activities are not mere obligations, but meaningful engagements that resonate with your core values and beliefs. Envision a day when failure is not a trigger for a shame spiral, but an opportunity to learn, grow, and align more closely with your authentic self.

This shift from rule-based to value-based motivation is not just a dream, but a tangible reality that you can embrace. It is the essence of intrinsic motivation – a way of living that stems from your own values, leading to a deeper sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.

You might be wondering how you can make this transition. This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) comes in. With its focus on mindfulness, acceptance, and commitment to change, ACT offers practical strategies to help you cultivate intrinsic motivation and live in accordance with your unique set of values. In the next sections, we will delve into these strategies and explore how they can be applied in your daily life to bring about a profound shift in your motivation and overall wellbeing.

Understanding Extrinsic Motivation

Extrinsic motivation refers to behavior driven by external rewards or outcomes. This can include tangible rewards like money or grades, or intangible ones like praise and recognition. For instance, an individual might study hard to receive high marks, a worker might put in extra hours to get a promotion, or a child might clean their room to receive praise from their parents. These are all examples of extrinsic motivation, where the motivation to act is sourced from something outside of the individual.

In the context of extrinsic motivation, rules serve as the external framework that dictates behavior. They create a clear-cut understanding of what is expected, and often, these expectations are tied to specific rewards or punishments. “If you complete this task, you will receive a reward. If you fail to do so, there will be consequences.” This cause-effect relationship creates a controlled environment in which individuals operate, and their actions are directed towards achieving the desired outcome or avoiding an undesired one.

In the workplace, for instance, rules might determine a reward system based on performance indicators. In education, the grading system forms a set of rules guiding student behavior. These rules can be effective in driving behavior, but it’s important to understand that they fuel extrinsic, not intrinsic, motivation.

While extrinsic motivation can be useful in certain situations, an over-reliance on it can lead to several problems.

The Overjustification Effect

The overjustification effect is a phenomenon in which an individual’s intrinsic motivation to perform an activity diminishes when extrinsic rewards are introduced. For example, a child might enjoy drawing pictures. If they start getting rewards for their drawings, they might begin to draw only for the reward rather than for the joy of drawing itself. Once the reward is removed, the child might stop drawing altogether, even though they initially enjoyed the activity. This effect shows how extrinsic rewards can sap the joy out of activities and decrease intrinsic motivation.

Dependency on External Factors

An over-reliance on extrinsic motivation creates a dependence on external factors. This can lead to a lack of self-direction and self-determination. In the absence of external rewards or punishments, individuals may feel unmotivated and directionless. It also means that motivation can be highly variable, waxing and waning based on the presence or absence of external stimuli.

Short-term Compliance vs Long-term Behavioral Change

Extrinsic motivation is often effective in securing short-term compliance but less effective in promoting long-term behavioral change. Once the reward is removed or becomes less appealing, the motivated behavior is likely to cease. For example, a student might study hard for a test to achieve a good grade, but if the grade is no longer a motivating factor, the student might stop studying.

Lack of Personal Satisfaction

Since extrinsic motivation is driven by external factors, it often lacks personal satisfaction and fulfillment. Achieving a reward can bring temporary pleasure, but it does not equate to the deep sense of fulfillment that comes from doing something out of intrinsic interest or personal value. This lack of personal satisfaction can make tasks feel draining and unfulfilling, and it may contribute to burnout in the long run.

While extrinsic motivation has its place, an over-reliance on it can have detrimental effects. It is essential to understand its limitations and to consider how a transition towards more intrinsic motivation might lead to greater satisfaction, resilience, and overall wellbeing.

Embracing Intrinsic Motivation

Intrinsic motivation is the internal drive to engage in an activity for its own sake, rather than as a means to an end. It comes from within an individual and is driven by personal interest, curiosity, or satisfaction derived from the activity itself. When you engage in a task because it fulfills a passion, sparks your curiosity, or aligns with your core values, you are acting out of intrinsic motivation.

Consider an artist who paints late into the night, driven by their passion and creativity, or a volunteer who supports a local charity out of genuine concern for their community, or even someone who learns a new language purely out of interest in the culture and language itself. These are all instances of intrinsic motivation, where the activity itself provides its own reward.

Values play a pivotal role in intrinsic motivation. They are the deeply held principles that guide our behavior, reflect what we find meaningful and important, and give us a sense of purpose. When our actions align with our values, we are intrinsically motivated.

The importance of values in intrinsic motivation can be explained through the lens of Self-Determination Theory, a well-established theory of human motivation. According to this theory, three basic psychological needs drive human behavior: autonomy (the need to feel in control of one’s actions), competence (the need to feel effective in one’s actions), and relatedness (the need to feel connected to others). When our actions align with our personal values, these needs are fulfilled, fueling intrinsic motivation.

Greater Satisfaction and Fulfillment

Intrinsic motivation leads to greater satisfaction and fulfillment. Because your actions are driven by what truly matters to you, you derive a sense of pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment from the task itself. Unlike extrinsic motivation, where satisfaction is tied to achieving an external reward, the joy derived from intrinsically motivated activities is inherent in the process of the activity itself.

Increased Persistence and Resilience

Research has shown that intrinsic motivation leads to increased persistence and resilience. When you are intrinsically motivated, you are more likely to persevere in the face of difficulties and less likely to give up when you encounter obstacles. This is because you are driven by a deep-seated interest or value that makes the challenge worthwhile, rather than being solely focused on achieving an external reward.

Promotes Self-Determination and Independence

Intrinsic motivation fosters a strong sense of self-determination and independence. Because you are driven by your own interests, passions, and values, you rely less on external validation or rewards. You are more in control of your actions and less influenced by external factors. This autonomy can lead to increased self-confidence and self-esteem.

Positive Impact on Mental Health

Intrinsic motivation has a positive impact on mental health. Studies have found that individuals who are more intrinsically motivated report higher levels of well-being and lower levels of stress and anxiety. This is likely because intrinsically motivated activities fulfill basic psychological needs, provide a sense of purpose, and contribute to a sense of competence and self-efficacy.

In sum, embracing intrinsic motivation can lead to a multitude of benefits, ranging from increased satisfaction and resilience to improved mental health. The next section will delve into how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can be used to cultivate intrinsic motivation, allowing you to live a more fulfilling and value-driven life.

Applying Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to Cultivate Intrinsic Motivation

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy that aims to increase psychological flexibility. ACT is underpinned by six core principles: acceptance, cognitive defusion, being present, self as context, values, and committed action. The principles that are particularly relevant to cultivating intrinsic motivation include being present, values, and committed action.

Being present, also known as mindfulness, involves bringing full, open, and receptive attention to the present moment. This allows you to disengage from automatic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and instead respond based on what the present moment requires.

The principle of values involves identifying what is most important to you—what kind of person you want to be, what is meaningful and significant to you. This forms the internal compass that guides your actions.

Committed action involves making committed efforts to act in ways that align with your identified values. It’s about living in a way that reflects what matters most to you, even when faced with obstacles or challenges.

Clarifying Values

The first step in cultivating intrinsic motivation using ACT is to clarify your values. You can do this by asking yourself what truly matters to you, what kind of person you want to be, and what qualities you want to bring into your actions. Reflecting on these questions can help you identify your core values.

Here are a few actionable strategies to help you clarify your values:

Reflection Exercise: Set aside some quiet time to reflect on what truly matters to you. Consider various areas of your life such as relationships, career, health, personal growth, and recreation. What does a fulfilled life look like in each of these areas? Write down your thoughts.

Values Journaling: Start a values journal. Each day, write about situations where you felt most aligned with your authentic self. What were you doing? How did it make you feel? Over time, you will see patterns that reveal your underlying values.

Visualize Your Eulogy: This may sound a bit morbid, but it’s a powerful tool. Visualize what you would like people to say about you at your eulogy. It helps identify the qualities you want to embody and the impact you wish to have on others, which are tied to your values.

Values Clarification Worksheet: There are many such worksheets available online. These usually provide a list of common values (e.g., honesty, creativity, generosity). Go through the list, highlighting those that resonate with you. Then, narrow down the list to your top 5-10 core values.

Exploring Discrepancies: ACT also involves exploring discrepancies between your behaviors and your values. Recognizing areas where you’re not living in line with your values can provide valuable insights into what those values are and how you might start to align your actions with them.

Regular Check-ins: ACT emphasizes regularly revisiting and reflecting on your values to ensure they still resonate with you and align with your actions. This can be achieved through journaling, mindfulness exercises, or discussions in therapy sessions.

Remember, identifying your values is a personal and ongoing journey. Your values may evolve over time, and that’s perfectly okay. The goal is to keep exploring and aligning your life with your values, creating a source of intrinsic motivation that feels authentic and fulfilling.

Mindfulness and Acceptance

Mindfulness involves bringing awareness to your present-moment experience, including your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. It allows you to notice when you are acting out of habit or external pressure, rather than in alignment with your values.

Acceptance, on the other hand, involves making space for unpleasant thoughts, feelings, or sensations, instead of trying to avoid or suppress them. By practicing acceptance, you can prevent these experiences from controlling your behavior and instead act in ways that align with your values.

Commitment and Behavior Change

The final step involves making a committed effort to act in ways that align with your values. This is not always easy, especially when faced with obstacles or challenges. However, by maintaining a strong connection to your values and making use of mindfulness and acceptance skills, you can navigate these challenges and remain committed to your values-based path.

Transition from Extrinsic to Intrinsic Motivation: A Balanced Approach

While the benefits of intrinsic motivation have been emphasized, it’s important to acknowledge the role of extrinsic motivation, especially at the beginning of the change process. Often, extrinsic rewards or pressures can serve as an initial spark to jump-start behavior change. For instance, a doctor’s advice to lose weight for health reasons or the desire to earn a bonus at work can kickstart a journey towards healthier living or improved performance.

Extrinsic motivation can thus be a useful tool to initiate change, especially when intrinsic motivation is low or yet to be developed. The key, however, is to not let extrinsic motivation be the sole driving force but to use it as a stepping stone towards cultivating intrinsic motivation.

As you begin to engage in the new behavior, intrinsic factors can start to play a more prominent role. For instance, after initially starting to exercise due to a doctor’s advice, you might begin to enjoy the activity itself or the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. You might also start to value the health benefits and the increased energy levels.

The process of shifting from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation involves recognizing and reinforcing these intrinsic factors. This could be through mindful attention to the positive feelings associated with the activity or through deliberate reflection on how the activity aligns with your values.

This gradual shift towards intrinsic motivation is further facilitated by developing competence in the activity. According to Self-Determination Theory, feelings of competence and autonomy are key drivers of intrinsic motivation. As you become more skilled in the activity and gain more control over it, your intrinsic motivation to engage in the activity is likely to increase.

While the benefits of intrinsic motivation are clear, it’s important to note that extrinsic motivation isn’t inherently bad or unhelpful. Indeed, in many areas of life, a balance of both types of motivation is necessary and beneficial.

In certain situations, extrinsic motivation can be more effective, such as when tasks are mundane or uninteresting, but still need to be done. It can also be helpful in providing a sense of direction and structure, especially in the initial stages of a new task or project.

Intrinsic motivation, on the other hand, can sustain long-term engagement, fuel passion and creativity, and lead to greater satisfaction and wellbeing. Therefore, it’s about striking the right balance and using both types of motivation in a complementary manner, depending on the situation and the task at hand.

By understanding the strengths and limitations of both types of motivation and being able to shift flexibly between them, you can enhance your ability to motivate yourself effectively in different situations. This balanced approach can lead to improved performance, greater satisfaction, and overall wellbeing.

In sum, transitioning from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation is not about completely discarding one for the other, but about learning to use both effectively, starting with extrinsic motivators to initiate change, gradually cultivating intrinsic motivators, and balancing the two for sustained motivation and growth.

Case Study: Emily’s Path to Authenticity

*This is a fictional name and scenario for educational purposes.

Let’s consider the example of Emily, a woman deeply affected by the judgments and opinions of others. As a public relations officer, Emily is well-liked and highly regarded in her professional circle. She’s consistently praised for her ability to cater to the needs and expectations of others. However, Emily finds herself continually anxious and stressed, as her happiness is tied to others’ perceptions.

With the help of ACT, Emily embarks on a journey of self-discovery. She begins by exploring her personal values. Through this exploration, Emily realizes that she highly values authenticity, personal growth, and independence. These values contrast sharply with her current lifestyle, which is dominated by the need to appease others.

In response, Emily sets several goals to align her actions with her newfound values. She starts by seeking ways to express her authentic self. One goal involves setting boundaries at work, expressing her own needs, and learning to say ‘no’ when necessary. Though this creates discomfort initially, Emily feels a deep sense of relief and satisfaction as she begins to live in accordance with her value of authenticity.

Emily also enrolls in personal development courses to nurture her value of personal growth. Lastly, she makes strides towards independence, striving to separate her self-worth from others’ opinions. She begins meditating and journaling to develop self-acceptance and strengthen her internal locus of validation.

Emily’s journey is not without its challenges. She faces criticism, experiences self-doubt, and grapples with the discomfort of breaking away from her people-pleasing patterns. Yet, through ACT, Emily learns to accept these uncomfortable feelings and thoughts without letting them dictate her actions. As she continues to act in line with her values, she experiences a profound shift. Emily’s motivation to please others gradually recedes, replaced by the intrinsic motivation to live authentically and grow personally.

Emily’s story showcases how, through ACT, individuals can break free from the constraints of extrinsic motivation, such as the need for social approval, and cultivate intrinsic motivation aligned with their personal values. It’s a process that may require significant courage and perseverance, but the rewards are a life of genuine fulfillment and inner peace.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the journey from rules-based extrinsic motivation to values-based intrinsic motivation can be transformative. Though extrinsic motivators such as societal norms, expectations, and rewards often guide our actions, they can also limit our potential and hinder our overall satisfaction. On the other hand, intrinsic motivation, which is closely tied to our personal values, can offer a more authentic and fulfilling way of living.

The journey of discovering and living according to our values is ongoing and unique to each individual. There is no destination or end point. Instead, it’s about continuously striving to align our actions with our values, finding satisfaction in the process itself, and evolving with every step we take. So, embark on this journey with courage, curiosity, and openness, and you will discover a new depth of motivation and satisfaction in your life.

What are Personal Boundaries?

by Steve Rose | Jul 18, 2023 | Identity, Purpose, and Belonging

In recent years, the concept of personal boundaries has gained popularity and and is commonly used by self-help authors, support groups, and the counseling profession. While its popularity continues to surge, the proper understanding and implementation of personal boundaries often remain misunderstood or misused, potentially leading to strained relationships and personal distress.

So, what are personal boundaries? In essence, personal boundaries are guidelines we establish to communicate how we want to be treated by others. They are decisions we make about what behavior we find acceptable and unacceptable, fundamentally shaping our interactions with the world around us. Rather than expecting others to change, setting boundaries is about modifying our own responses to various interpersonal situations.

This article aims to delve deeper into the concept of personal boundaries, elucidating their importance in personal wellbeing and interpersonal relationships. We’ll explore the types of boundaries, differentiate boundaries from ultimatums, discuss recognizing boundary violations, and offer insights into effectively establishing and maintaining personal boundaries. By gaining a comprehensive understanding of this vital concept, readers can further enhance their self-awareness, respect for others, and overall quality of life.

Personal Boundaries: A Metaphorical Perspective

In the realm of personal boundaries, terms like “in-bounds” and “out-of-bounds” have often been used metaphorically to categorize behavior. Deriving from sports terminologies, where ‘in-bounds’ signifies within the play area and ‘out-of-bounds’ indicates beyond the permissible area, these terms have been adapted to convey the acceptance or rejection of certain behaviors within the scope of personal boundaries.

An ‘in-bounds’ behavior adheres to your personal boundaries and respects your mental, emotional, and physical space. These actions align with your expectations, values, and comfort levels, allowing you to feel safe, respected, and understood. On the other hand, an ‘out-of-bounds’ behavior crosses the lines you’ve established, causing discomfort, distress, or violation of your personal space or values.

Personal boundaries serve as a metaphorical line that differentiates between what is acceptable (‘in-bounds’) and what is not (‘out-of-bounds’). They reflect your self-identity, values, and needs, helping you to communicate these to others effectively.

For example, if you set a boundary that you do not want to discuss your personal life at work, coworkers respecting this would be ‘in-bounds’, while coworkers probing into your personal affairs would be ‘out-of-bounds’. By defining what’s acceptable and unacceptable to you, boundaries enable you to protect your mental and emotional health, fostering healthier and more respectful interactions.

It’s crucial to remember that everyone’s ‘in-bounds’ and ‘out-of-bounds’ are different. What may be acceptable to one person might be unacceptable to another. This diversity in personal boundaries underscores the need for open communication, mutual respect, and understanding in all types of relationships.

Importance of Personal Boundaries

Personal Wellbeing

Personal boundaries play a critical role in maintaining mental and emotional health. By defining what behaviors we find acceptable and unacceptable, we establish a sense of safety and predictability in our lives. This ability to determine our interactions helps prevent burnout, reduce anxiety, and enhance self-esteem.

Moreover, boundaries can help us manage our time and energy more effectively. By clearly delineating our limits, we can better focus on our priorities and needs, reducing the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed or overextended. Thus, boundaries act as a tool for self-care and personal growth.

Healthy Interpersonal Relationships

Boundaries are also foundational to building healthy and respectful relationships. They encourage open and honest communication about needs, expectations, and values, leading to better mutual understanding and respect. When boundaries are clearly communicated and respected, relationships can flourish in a space of trust and reciprocity.

Moreover, clear boundaries can help in preventing and resolving conflicts. By knowing each other’s boundaries, people can avoid unintentionally crossing lines that cause discomfort or offense. Hence, boundaries contribute to more harmonious and fulfilling relationships.

Preserving Individual Autonomy

Boundaries are an expression of our individual autonomy and self-identity. They reflect our unique values, needs, and experiences, helping to maintain our individuality even when we are in close relationships with others.

By setting and enforcing personal boundaries, we communicate our self-worth and assert our right to have personal preferences, feelings, and needs that are distinct from others. This not only fosters self-respect but also sends a clear message to others that our individuality and autonomy are to be acknowledged and respected.

The Process of Setting Personal Boundaries

Changing One’s Responses to Interpersonal Situations

Setting personal boundaries often begins with a shift in how we respond to interpersonal situations. It requires self-awareness, understanding our feelings, and recognizing situations where we feel uncomfortable or violated. It’s essential to understand that it’s normal to feel upset when our boundaries are violated. These feelings serve as indicators that our personal space has been breached, prompting us to reassess the situation and our response to it.

To create a boundary, we need to decide on the acceptable parameters within a specific context. This could involve choosing not to engage with a particular person or topic or deciding how we spend our time and energy. For example, if you’ve realized that certain discussions leave you feeling upset, you might set a boundary by politely avoiding such conversations or steering them towards neutral grounds.

Maintaining Boundaries without Expecting Others to Change Their Behaviors

While it’s important to communicate our boundaries, expecting others to change their behavior entirely to suit our comfort levels is not only unrealistic but may lead to conflicts. Instead, maintaining boundaries is about controlling our own actions and responses.

Take the example of not wanting to engage with a certain individual. If you’re invited to an event where this person will be present, instead of asking the host to disinvite them, you can choose to decline the invitation. If the person unexpectedly arrives at an event you’re attending, instead of demanding they leave, you can politely excuse yourself from their presence.

By controlling our reactions and not trying to alter other people’s behaviors, we can respect their autonomy while ensuring our boundaries are upheld. Remember, setting personal boundaries is not about manipulation or control over others; it’s about taking care of our mental and emotional wellbeing.

Communicating Personal Boundaries Effectively

Proper communication is a vital part of setting and maintaining personal boundaries. Effectively communicating your boundaries entails being clear, concise, assertive, and respectful. It’s essential to ensure that your words match your actions, and you maintain consistency in upholding your boundaries. Here are a few steps on how to effectively communicate your personal boundaries:

Identify Your Boundaries: Start by recognizing what you are comfortable with and what you aren’t in various situations. Knowing your limits is the first step to communicating them effectively.

For example, you might identify that you need at least one day of the weekend for self-care and relaxation, and you’re uncomfortable with working during this time.

Be Assertive: Clearly and confidently communicate your boundaries. Remember, being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive. It means stating your needs respectfully and standing your ground.

For instance, if a colleague often asks you to work on weekends, you can say, “I appreciate your trust in my work, but I’ve committed to taking Sundays for personal time. I’m happy to help within my work hours during the weekdays.”

Use Clear and Respectful Language: Be specific about your needs and use “I” statements to communicate your feelings, instead of blaming or criticizing the other person. This can make the conversation feel less confrontational.

For example, instead of saying, “You always call me late at night!”, you can say, “I need to turn off my phone at 10 pm to unwind and prepare for bed. Can we arrange our calls for earlier in the evening?”

Consistency is Key: Maintain consistency in upholding your boundaries. If you give in occasionally, it can confuse people about your limits and make it harder to enforce them in the future.

For example, if you have set a boundary to not check work emails after 6 pm, stick to it consistently. By doing so, your colleagues will understand and respect your boundary over time.

Prepare for Resistance: Not everyone will understand or agree with your boundaries, and that’s okay. Be prepared for some resistance and remember that you have the right to protect your personal wellbeing.

For example, if a friend consistently ignores your request not to be contacted during your designated quiet hours, reaffirm your boundary. You might say, “I’ve noticed that you often text me late at night. I value our friendship and our conversations, but I’ve set aside this time for rest. Could we continue our conversations at another time?”

Remember, setting and communicating boundaries is a process. It takes practice and patience, but it is a necessary skill for self-care and healthy relationships.

Boundaries vs. Ultimatums

An ultimatum is a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which could result in a severance of relations or a resort to harsh consequences. It’s often used in situations where one party feels they have exhausted their options for compromise and resorts to a ‘take it or leave it’ approach. An example of an ultimatum might be telling a partner, “If you don’t stop smoking, I will leave you.”

While both boundaries and ultimatums involve a person expressing their needs or desires, the way they do so and the intent behind them can be drastically different. A boundary is about understanding and expressing your own needs and limits to ensure your personal wellbeing. It focuses on controlling your own actions and responses, rather than dictating others’ behaviors. An ultimatum, on the other hand, involves a demand for the other person to change their behavior or face the consequences.

Take, for example, a situation where a person’s partner smokes and they’re uncomfortable with it. If they set a boundary, they might say, “I’m uncomfortable with smoking. I’ll choose to spend time in a separate space when you’re smoking.” If they issue an ultimatum, they might say, “If you don’t stop smoking, I’ll leave.”

While ultimatums can sometimes be necessary in extreme situations where boundaries have been repeatedly violated, they come with risks and can easily be misused.

Firstly, ultimatums can be perceived as controlling or manipulative, as they demand a change in the other person’s behavior. They can create resentment and strain relationships, fostering a power struggle rather than understanding and compromise.

Secondly, ultimatums can put the issuer in a difficult position. If the other person doesn’t meet the demand, the issuer is faced with a choice to follow through with their threat or back down. If they back down, it undermines their credibility and weakens their position in future conflicts.

It’s important to recognize that while setting boundaries and issuing ultimatums might sometimes seem similar, they have different implications and potential outcomes. Understanding this difference can help in navigating interpersonal relationships with respect and understanding.

Recognizing when Boundaries are Being Crossed

Signs of Boundary Violations

Recognizing when your boundaries are being violated is the first step in protecting your personal space. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Feeling Uncomfortable or Resentful: If you often feel uncomfortable or resentful around a particular person or in a specific situation, it may be a sign that your boundaries are being crossed.
Feeling Drained or Taken Advantage of: If you frequently feel exhausted or used in a relationship, it’s likely that the other person is overstepping your boundaries.
Invasion of Privacy: If someone is prying into your personal affairs or ignoring your requests for personal space, they’re likely violating your boundaries.
Disregard for Your Time and Commitments: If someone repeatedly expects you to drop everything for them or disregards your prior commitments, your boundaries are being breached.

Strategies to Uphold Boundaries in the Face of Violations

When you recognize that your boundaries are being violated, here are a few strategies you can employ to uphold them:

Reassert Your Boundaries: Clearly, calmly, and assertively communicate your boundaries again. Sometimes, people may forget or not fully understand your limits the first time around.
Practice Saying “No”: It’s okay to decline requests or obligations that infringe upon your boundaries. It might be difficult at first, but with practice, saying “no” becomes easier and can serve as a potent tool for upholding your boundaries.
Seek Support: If someone continually disregards your boundaries, even after you’ve clearly communicated them, it might be helpful to seek advice or assistance from a trusted friend, family member, or professional.
Limit Interaction: If the boundary violations persist, you might need to limit your interactions with the person infringing on your boundaries or reconsider the nature of your relationship with them.

Remember, you have the right to establish and maintain your personal boundaries. They are an integral part of maintaining your wellbeing and personal autonomy.

Recognizing and Respecting Others’ Boundaries

Just as we wish for our boundaries to be respected, it’s important to reciprocate that respect towards others’ boundaries. Here’s how to do it:

Listen Attentively: If someone communicates their boundaries to you, take them seriously. Respect their need for space, time, or specific conditions in certain situations.
Ask When Unsure: If you’re uncertain about someone’s boundaries, don’t assume. It’s better to ask for clarity. This will demonstrate your respect for their autonomy and comfort.
Apologize and Correct Your Action if You Cross a Boundary: Even with the best intentions, we might cross someone’s boundaries unknowingly. If you realize you’ve crossed a boundary, apologize sincerely and take steps not to repeat the action.
Be Patient: Understand that everyone has different comfort levels and limits. Be patient with others as they navigate their own boundaries.

Misuse of Personal Boundaries: Manipulation and Control

While setting personal boundaries is a vital tool for ensuring emotional wellbeing and healthy interpersonal relationships, it’s also important to be aware that the concept can be misused. In some cases, individuals might set boundaries that are unreasonable or employ them in a manner intended to manipulate or control others. Here’s how this can occur:

Setting Unreasonable Boundaries: Boundaries should be about protecting one’s emotional wellbeing, but when they become too rigid or unreasonable, they can become a form of control. For instance, a person might set a boundary that their friend cannot spend time with other friends without them, asserting a possessive and controlling behavior that infringes upon the friend’s personal freedom and right to have relationships outside of their friendship.

Using Boundaries to Avoid Responsibility: Some individuals may misuse boundaries to shirk responsibility or avoid addressing personal issues. For instance, a person might declare that any criticism or feedback is a violation of their boundaries, thereby shutting down any opportunity for growth or constructive dialogue.

Manipulating Emotions with Boundaries: Boundaries can also be misused to manipulate the emotions of others. A person may claim a boundary has been violated whenever they are upset or want to gain sympathy, even when the alleged violation is unrelated to any boundary they’ve previously communicated.

Frequent Changes to Boundaries: While it’s normal for boundaries to evolve over time, constant, unpredictable changes to boundaries can be confusing and manipulative. This could be used to keep people off balance or exert control in a relationship.

Weaponizing Boundaries in Arguments: Another misuse of boundaries can occur when they are weaponized in arguments or disputes. For instance, an individual may suddenly invoke a “boundary” as a defensive maneuver to win an argument or to avoid conceding a point, rather than as a genuine effort to protect their emotional wellbeing.

Setting Boundaries for Others: Personal boundaries should be set by the individual, for the individual. It’s inappropriate and manipulative to set boundaries on behalf of others. For example, it’s not acceptable for someone to define what should upset another person or determine what another person’s limits are.

Boundaries as a Means of Isolation: In extreme cases, a person may use boundaries to isolate another individual, cutting them off from family, friends, or support systems. For example, a person might insist on an unreasonable boundary that their partner cannot spend time with certain friends or family members. This misuse of boundaries is a common tactic in abusive relationships and is a major red flag.

Using Boundaries to Punish: Boundaries should be set for self-care and protection, not to punish others. However, some individuals may misuse boundaries by imposing them as a form of silent treatment or emotional punishment whenever they are upset.

Recognizing the misuse of boundaries is essential to maintaining healthy relationships. If you find yourself in a situation where boundaries are being inappropriately used as a means of control or manipulation, it is crucial to address the issue, possibly with the help of a trusted third party or professional, such as a counselor or therapist. It’s important to remember that the purpose of personal boundaries is to enhance your wellbeing and interpersonal relationships, not to serve as tools for unhealthy dynamics.

Conclusion

The concept of personal boundaries, while increasingly popular in recent years, is often misunderstood or even misused. As we’ve explored in this article, personal boundaries serve as metaphorical lines that define our individual limits in terms of what we find acceptable or unacceptable in interactions with others. They are essential for our personal wellbeing, fostering healthier interpersonal relationships, and preserving our individual autonomy.

Setting boundaries involves a self-focused change in our responses to interpersonal situations, without the expectation of altering other people’s behaviors. It’s also crucial to differentiate between boundaries and ultimatums – while the former focus on our own actions and needs, the latter demand changes in others and may lead to manipulation or control.

Understanding and recognizing when our boundaries are being crossed can help us maintain our personal space and dignity. Similarly, recognizing and respecting others’ boundaries is just as essential in fostering mutual respect and understanding in relationships.

However, it’s also necessary to be aware of the potential misuse of boundaries. Whether used to manipulate, control, or avoid responsibility, the inappropriate use of this concept can have a damaging effect on relationships.

Personal boundaries are a dynamic concept that requires continuous self-awareness, clear communication, respect, and understanding. As we navigate our relationships and encounters with others, these principles serve as our compass, guiding us toward healthier and more respectful interactions.

Why Do Good People Do Bad Things

by Steve Rose | Jul 8, 2023 | Addiction and Recovery, Identity, Purpose, and Belonging, Suicide and Mental Health

The question of human nature, whether fundamentally good or bad, has preoccupied philosophers, theologians, and scientists for centuries. The implications of this question are profound, shaping our understanding of morality, society, and the self. This article embarks on an exploration into the dichotomy of human nature and human behavior, specifically examining the paradoxical question: “If human nature is fundamentally good, why do people do bad things?”

In spite of ample evidence of kindness, empathy, and altruism in human behavior, we are also confronted daily with evidence of cruelty, greed, and malice. It’s a juxtaposition that leads us to ponder: if our essence is indeed good, how do we explain the occurrence of negative, harmful actions?

Drawing from various disciplines including psychology, sociology, and philosophy, we will delve into the possible reasons behind this apparent contradiction in human behavior. We’ll discuss the role of personal struggles such as mental health issues, unmet needs, past trauma, self-perception, and self-esteem. Moreover, we’ll highlight the influence of societal structures, such as inequality, discrimination, and societal neglect, that can precipitate these personal struggles and, by extension, negative behaviors.

Throughout the article, my aim is not to justify or excuse negative actions, but rather to understand the complex tapestry of factors that can lead to them, even in a world where human nature is fundamentally good. The goal is to broaden our understanding, foster empathy, and emphasize the importance of addressing both personal struggles and societal structures in promoting positive behavior and a more compassionate society.

The Goodness of Human Nature

In exploring the question of human goodness, we turn to some of the most influential figures in the field of psychology, including Carl Rogers and Erich Fromm. Their perspectives, while unique, both underscore the idea of an innate goodness at the core of human nature.

Carl Rogers’ Perspective on Innate Human Goodness

Carl Rogers, a prominent figure in humanistic psychology, asserted a fundamentally optimistic view of human nature. In contrast to Freud’s theory that our unconscious minds are filled with aggressive and sexual instincts, Rogers posited that humans possess an innate tendency towards self-actualization, which drives us to grow, develop, and reach our full potential.

This ‘actualizing tendency’ can be viewed as an expression of our inherent goodness as it propels us towards growth, constructive change, and ultimately, a more profound understanding of ourselves and our place in the world. Rogers believed that, in a supportive environment, individuals naturally strive to actualize their positive potential.

The concept of ‘unconditional positive regard,’ which is at the heart of Rogers’ client-centered therapy, is another testimony to his belief in human goodness. By providing an environment of acceptance and understanding, individuals can accept themselves, tap into their inner resources, and strive to realize their inherent goodness.

Erich Fromm’s Perspective on Human Goodness and the Relevance of a Healthy Society

Like Rogers, Erich Fromm, a renowned psychoanalyst and humanistic philosopher, held a positive view of human nature. Fromm believed that humans are oriented towards the world with a productive and loving character orientation. This orientation is in alignment with what he termed “biophilia,” a love for life and all living things, and stands in stark contrast to “necrophilia,” a fascination with death and destruction.

However, Fromm also emphasized the importance of societal factors in shaping human behavior. He argued that while we have the capacity for both good and evil, a healthy society is instrumental in nurturing our natural inclination towards life, love, and productivity.

Fromm saw society not merely as a backdrop to individual struggles but as an active agent shaping our character and behavior. In his view, societal structures that foster love, freedom, and equality encourage our ‘biophilic’ orientation and our capacity for goodness. Conversely, societies characterized by oppression, inequality, and neglect can lead to ‘necrophilic’ tendencies, causing individuals to act in ways that are harmful to themselves and others.

In essence, both Rogers and Fromm espoused a belief in human goodness, but they also highlighted the crucial role of the environment – whether it’s a therapeutic setting or society at large – in either nurturing or stifling our inherent tendency towards growth, love, and constructive action.

How Personal Struggles Contribute to Negative Behavior

In our journey to understand why people who are fundamentally good commit ‘bad’ actions, we must turn our gaze towards the often-overlooked realm of personal struggles. This deep dive into the complexities of human behavior requires us to examine how elements like mental health issues, unmet needs, past trauma, self-perception, and self-esteem intersect and lead to maladaptive behaviors.

Mental Health and Behavior: Mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, among others, can significantly alter an individual’s behavior. For example, untreated depression might lead to self-isolation, substance abuse, or even self-harm. Anxiety might manifest as irritability, obsessive behavior, or avoidance of certain situations. The interplay between mental health and behavior underscores the need for comprehensive mental health care as a part of efforts to promote positive behavior.

Unmet Needs and Survival Behavior: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs proposes that humans are motivated by a series of hierarchical needs, starting with basic needs such as food and safety, and moving up to psychological and self-fulfillment needs. When these needs go unmet, individuals may resort to survival behaviors that may be perceived as negative. Understanding this can shift our perspective from condemnation to empathy and action to address these unmet needs.

Past Trauma and Coping Mechanisms: Unresolved past traumas can significantly impact an individual’s behavior. Victims of abuse or extreme adversity might exhibit negative behavior as a means to cope, escape, or express their unresolved emotional pain. Recognizing this link is a crucial step in providing the necessary support and therapeutic interventions to these individuals.

Cognitive Distortions: Personal struggles often lead to distorted thinking patterns, or cognitive distortions. These inaccurate thoughts reinforce negative thinking and behavior. For instance, an individual suffering from depression might struggle with ‘catastrophic thinking,’ causing them to perceive situations worse than they are and react accordingly.

Self-perception and Behavior: Individuals struggling with negative self-perception might engage in self-destructive behaviors that align with their flawed view of themselves. They might believe they are undeserving of happiness, success, or love, leading to behaviors that sabotage these areas of their lives.

Self-esteem and Behavior: Similarly, self-esteem, or the lack thereof, influences behavior. Low self-esteem might push individuals towards negative behavior in a misguided attempt to boost their self-worth or, paradoxically, to confirm their negative self-beliefs. By understanding and addressing these underlying struggles with self-esteem, we can promote more positive behavior.

Why “Hurt People, Hurt People”

The saying, “hurt people, hurt people,” has become a popular way to explain a cyclical pattern of pain and reaction often seen in interpersonal relationships, families, communities, and even across generations. This concept encapsulates the idea that individuals who have been hurt, or who are carrying emotional wounds, are more likely to hurt others.

Personal Pain as a Source of Negative Behavior

At the heart of this concept is the idea that personal pain, if not addressed, can lead to negative behavior. Individuals carrying unprocessed pain can project their hurt onto others, perpetuating a cycle of pain. It could be seen in people lashing out in anger when they are, in fact, feeling wounded or people who bully others as a way to assert control when they feel powerless themselves.

Unresolved Trauma and the Perpetuation of Hurt

Unresolved trauma is a significant factor in this cycle. When trauma remains unresolved, it continues to influence the individual’s behavior, emotions, and interactions with others. Such individuals may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, including aggression, withdrawal, or manipulation, which can cause pain to others. Furthermore, trauma can lead to mental health issues like depression and anxiety, which can further exacerbate negative behaviors.

Breaking the Cycle

Breaking the cycle requires acknowledging and addressing personal pain and trauma. This often involves professional help such as therapy or counseling. Therapeutic methods like cognitive-behavioral therapy can help individuals understand their feelings and behaviors better, learn healthier coping mechanisms, and heal from their past traumas.

The Role of Empathy and Compassion

Empathy and compassion are critical in addressing this cycle, both at an individual and societal level. Understanding that someone’s hurtful behavior might be a manifestation of their personal pain can help us respond with compassion rather than retaliation. On a societal level, policies and programs that address trauma, provide mental health support, and foster empathy and compassion in schools and communities can contribute to breaking this cycle.

Towards a Healthier Society

In understanding the adage “hurt people, hurt people,” we gain a profound insight into human behavior. It’s a call to action for individuals and society as a whole to address personal pain and trauma to break the cycle of hurt. By doing so, we not only help individuals heal but also build healthier, more compassionate relationships and societies.

The Role of Social Structures in Shaping Personal Struggles

In the intricate tapestry of human behavior, personal struggles are not woven in isolation. They are closely interlinked with societal structures that greatly influence individual experiences and outcomes. In our pursuit of understanding why fundamentally good humans sometimes resort to ‘bad’ behaviors, we must thus turn our focus to the role of social structures.

Social Structures as Contributors to Personal Struggles

Social structures, in the broadest sense, are the organized set of social relationships in which individuals are embedded. These can include family dynamics, education systems, economic systems, and societal norms.

Family Dynamics: The family is the primary social structure in which an individual grows and develops. Dysfunctional family dynamics, characterized by abuse, neglect, or high conflict, can instigate a range of personal struggles. Conversely, supportive and nurturing family environments can act as buffers against many potential personal challenges.

Education Systems: Educational institutions play a significant role in shaping individuals. However, unequal access to quality education, punitive disciplinary practices, or high-stakes testing pressures can create personal struggles for many students.

Economic Systems: Socioeconomic status significantly influences personal struggles. Poverty, job insecurity, income inequality, and the like can exacerbate stress, depression, anxiety, and other personal struggles, leading to ‘bad’ behaviors.

Societal Norms: Societal norms and expectations can exert enormous pressure on individuals, leading to personal struggles. The pressure to conform, fear of social rejection, and the stress of living up to societal ideals can create significant personal turmoil.

Social Inequality, Discrimination, and Neglect: Fueling Personal Struggles and ‘Bad’ Behavior

At a more macro level, systemic social issues significantly contribute to personal struggles and resultant ‘bad’ behavior.

Social Inequality: Vast disparities in wealth, opportunities, and privileges across different social groups can breed personal struggles. Feelings of injustice, despair, and frustration can drive individuals towards negative behaviors.

Discrimination: Racial, gender, religious, and other forms of discrimination can inflict profound personal struggles on targeted individuals. The stress, anger, and pain resulting from discrimination can manifest in various negative behaviors as individuals grapple with these experiences.

Societal Neglect: Society’s neglect of certain groups like the homeless, elderly, refugees, etc., can compound their personal struggles, often driving them into survival behaviors that might be labeled as ‘bad.’

Systemic Changes as a Tool for Reducing Personal Struggles and ‘Bad’ Behavior

Recognizing the crucial role of social structures in shaping personal struggles leads us to a critical realization: systemic change is key to reducing personal struggles and, by extension, ‘bad’ behavior.

To break the cycle of personal struggles leading to ‘bad’ behavior, systemic changes are required. These might include equitable wealth distribution, universal access to quality education, healthcare reforms, and robust anti-discriminatory laws.

Implementing such changes can significantly reduce the personal struggles experienced by many individuals. For example, equal access to quality education can provide individuals with the tools to better their circumstances, reducing stress and despair and promoting positive behavior.

Erich Fromm’s “The Sane Society” – Proposing Solutions to Social Problems

In addressing the role of social structures in shaping personal struggles, it’s apt to draw upon the insights of Erich Fromm, a renowned psychoanalyst and social psychologist, whose seminal work “The Sane Society” provides a roadmap to creating healthier social systems.

Fromm argues that many societal problems stem from the configuration of society itself, which he views as often being “insane.” In his view, an unhealthy society can trigger various personal struggles and maladaptive behaviors. Therefore, the solutions to these problems lie not just in addressing individual struggles but in fundamentally reshaping societal structures.

Fromm’s Vision of a Healthy Society

Fromm’s idea of a healthy or “sane” society is one that promotes the overall well-being of its citizens, fosters genuine freedom, encourages individuality, and nurtures a sense of community and shared responsibility. In such a society, individual needs are not at odds with societal demands, reducing the potential for personal struggles.

Economic Systems that Foster Well-being

Fromm was critical of both capitalist and socialist economic systems, believing that they often lead to alienation and frustration. He suggested a “humanistic communitarian socialism,” where economic systems serve human needs rather than humans serving economic systems. This includes fair wealth distribution, dignified work, and economic security, reducing the stress and inequality that can lead to personal struggles.

Education that Nurtures Individuality and Social Responsibility

Fromm envisioned an educational system that nurtures individuality, creativity, and critical thinking, while also fostering a sense of social responsibility. Such an education system would be less likely to trigger personal struggles stemming from conformity pressures, academic stress, or feelings of inadequacy.

Fostering Genuine Freedom and Community

Fromm argued for a balance between individual freedom and social responsibility. He warned against the perils of unchecked individualism, which can lead to isolation and alienation. By fostering a sense of community and shared responsibility, societies can reduce feelings of isolation and alienation that often lead to personal struggles.

Mental Health as a Societal, not Just Individual, Concern

Taking a leaf from Fromm’s book, one can’t help but view mental health not as a purely individual concern, but as a societal one that requires collective attention, understanding, and action. Fromm urges us to look beyond the individual symptoms of mental health issues and delve deeper into the societal structures that contribute to these conditions. His perspective provides a much-needed shift from the conventional, often stigmatizing view of mental health disorders as personal failings.

1. Societal Structures and Mental Health

Understanding the societal roots of mental health issues requires recognizing the role of societal structures. These include economic systems, cultural norms, social inequalities, and access to healthcare, among others. A society that engenders high levels of stress, whether through economic hardships, social isolation, or systemic inequalities, inevitably contributes to the prevalence of mental health issues among its citizens.

2. The Socioeconomic Perspective

From a socioeconomic standpoint, the stress of living in poverty, job insecurity, or grappling with income inequality can significantly affect one’s mental health. The daily struggle to meet basic needs, the fear of job loss, or the constant comparison with the wealthier can all lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders. Tackling these socioeconomic factors, through poverty reduction measures, creation of stable jobs, and wealth redistribution, is integral to addressing mental health on a societal level.

3. Cultural Norms, Expectations, and Mental Health

Cultural norms and expectations are other societal elements that profoundly affect mental health. In many societies, the pressure to conform to societal norms, whether related to success, appearance, or gender roles, can lead to stress, low self-esteem, and mental health issues. Cultivating a society that values diversity, encourages authenticity, and reduces pressure to conform is essential for fostering mental well-being.

4. Social Inequalities and Mental Health

Social inequalities, particularly those based on race, gender, and sexual orientation, significantly contribute to mental health disparities. Discrimination, stigma, and marginalization associated with these identities can lead to chronic stress, trauma, and consequently, mental health issues. Societal efforts to promote equality, combat discrimination, and embrace diversity are crucial steps towards alleviating these mental health disparities.

5. Access to Mental Health Care

The availability of and access to mental health care is another societal factor impacting mental health. Despite growing recognition of mental health’s importance, many societies lack adequate mental health services. Those that exist often face issues of affordability, accessibility, and quality. Advocacy for mental health policies that prioritize mental health care’s universal accessibility, affordability, and quality can significantly enhance societal mental health.

6. Towards a Societal Approach to Mental Health

Fromm’s perspective prompts us to envisage a holistic, societal approach to mental health. Such an approach transcends focusing solely on treating individual symptoms, prioritizing instead the transformation of societal structures that contribute to mental health issues. This means prioritizing equitable economic policies, promoting cultural norms that value authenticity over conformity, committing to social equality, and ensuring accessible, affordable, and quality mental health care.

In shifting our view of mental health from being purely an individual concern to a societal one, we are challenged to transform our societies in ways that nurture mental well-being. This does not negate the role of individual resilience or personal coping strategies in managing mental health. However, it underlines that for these individual efforts to thrive, they need to be embedded within supportive, nurturing societal structures.

Embracing such a societal view of mental health can indeed help us create what Fromm envisioned as a “sane society” – one that nurtures the mental well-being of its citizens.

Conclusion

If we accept the premise that human nature is fundamentally good, as argued by humanistic psychologists such as Carl Rogers and Erich Fromm, then we need to reconcile this belief with the existence of ‘bad’ behavior. However, as we’ve discovered, this seeming contradiction can be explained by looking at personal struggles and societal influences.

Personal struggles, whether they stem from mental health issues, unmet needs, or past trauma, can lead individuals to adopt negative behaviors as coping or survival mechanisms. Moreover, societal structures can exacerbate these personal struggles and indirectly promote ‘bad’ behavior. Social inequality, discrimination, and societal neglect can create an environment that pushes individuals towards negative behavior.

However, acknowledging that ‘hurt people hurt people’ doesn’t mean absolving individuals of responsibility for their actions. It simply provides a broader, empathetic, and nuanced perspective that is essential for effective solutions. Erich Fromm’s book “The Sane Society” provides a roadmap to such solutions, including fostering a society that promotes mental health, reevaluating our economic systems, and creating a culture that values human needs and capabilities.

Recognizing that our actions often reflect our internal struggles and societal influences rather than inherent ‘badness’ can be liberating. It allows us to see ourselves and others with more compassion and understanding. And importantly, it paves the way for systemic changes and therapeutic approaches that can help individuals overcome their struggles and societies to become more nurturing and equitable.

In essence, human nature’s fundamental goodness is not invalidated by ‘bad’ behavior. Instead, such behavior should prompt us to look beyond the surface and understand the complex interplay of personal and societal factors that shape our actions. In doing so, we can foster a more compassionate, empathetic, and just world, thus creating a space where the innate goodness in people can truly flourish.

Why I Believe People Are Inherently Good

by Steve Rose | Jun 30, 2023 | Addiction and Recovery, Identity, Purpose, and Belonging, Suicide and Mental Health

Human nature, a subject of deep fascination and intense study throughout the history of human thought, encompasses a spectrum of views about what fundamentally drives human behavior. While some argue that humans are inherently selfish or aggressive, others present a more optimistic perspective, suggesting an innate predisposition towards goodness, altruism, and compassion.

As an addiction counselor, my steadfast belief in the fundamental goodness of human nature underpins the very fabric of my counseling practice. It is this belief that echoes in Anne Frank’s stirring words: “I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.” It is this belief that resonates with the humanistic psychology of Carl Rogers, who posited that individuals inherently strive towards self-actualization. It aligns with Victor Frankl’s logotherapy, which asserts that human beings are fundamentally oriented towards the pursuit of meaning, even in the face of adversity.

In this article, I will explore the profound implications of these perspectives on human nature, delving into how these beliefs can shape our approaches towards facilitating behavior change, and the far-reaching societal impacts of these perspectives. Together, let us traverse this exploration of human goodness, unearthing its foundational role in personal growth, societal progress, and the continued evolution of our shared humanity.

Exploration of Anne Frank’s Perspective

Born on June 12, 1929, in Frankfurt, Germany, Anne Frank was a Jewish teenager who gained posthumous fame through the publication of her diary. The Frank family moved to Amsterdam in 1934 to escape the escalating persecution of Jews in Nazi Germany. However, following the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands in 1940, they went into hiding in a secret annex in her father’s office building in 1942. Anne, her sister Margot, and their parents lived in this clandestine space with four other Jews until 1944, when they were discovered and transported to concentration camps. Anne and her sister died of typhus in the Bergen-Belsen camp in 1945. Anne’s father, Otto Frank, the only survivor of the family, later published Anne’s diary entries, providing the world with a poignant glimpse into her life in hiding.

Anne’s statement, “I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart,” comes from one of her diary entries written on July 15, 1944. This was less than a month before the Secret Annex’s inhabitants were discovered and arrested. Her quote reveals a resilient optimism and belief in human goodness, even as she faced severe oppression and lived in constant fear. It symbolizes an unwavering hope that underlines a human capacity for goodness, irrespective of the atrocities perpetrated by the Nazis.

Despite the inhumanity surrounding her, Anne Frank maintained an extraordinary belief in the goodness of people. She viewed her oppressors not as representations of all humankind but as deviations from it. Her optimism, embedded in the most dire of circumstances, attests to the resilience of hope and the capacity for individuals to perceive and believe in the fundamental goodness of humanity, even when confronted with its darkest aspects.

Anne’s perspective also points towards a universal human potential: the ability to maintain a view of human goodness and to use this belief as a source of strength and resilience. As such, her quote is not simply a statement of belief, but a testament to the power of optimism, hope, and belief in the face of overwhelming adversity.

Victor Frankl’s Perspective on Human Nature

Victor Frankl, born in 1905 in Vienna, Austria, was a psychiatrist and neurologist who survived the Holocaust, enduring the brutal conditions of Auschwitz and other concentration camps. Post World War II, Frankl became a professor of neurology and psychiatry at the University of Vienna and wrote numerous books. His most influential work is “Man’s Search for Meaning,” an autobiographical account of his experiences in concentration camps that underpins his psychological theory – logotherapy.

While enduring the abhorrent conditions of the concentration camps, Frankl observed that those who were able to hold onto a sense of purpose and meaning in life were more likely to survive. These experiences profoundly shaped his understanding of human nature. Despite witnessing some of the most despicable acts of human cruelty, he maintained a belief in the possibility of human goodness. Frankl proposed that even in the direst situations, individuals could choose their attitudes and find meaning, thereby affirming their humanity.

Frankl’s logotherapy is predicated on the belief that the primary motivational force for humans is not power or pleasure, but a “will to meaning” – the desire to find purpose in life. This perspective suggests that humans are fundamentally oriented towards the good, as they are driven by the pursuit of meaningful and purposeful goals, which often involve service, love, and acts of compassion and creativity.

Central to Frankl’s perspective is the concept of “tragic optimism,” the ability to maintain hope and find meaning in life despite its inevitable suffering. Frankl asserted that humans are always free to choose their attitude, regardless of their circumstances, and with this freedom comes responsibility. This belief in human freedom and responsibility underscores his faith in inherent human goodness. Despite the potential for evil, humans have the capacity for change, growth, and choosing to act in ways that affirm life and its inherent value.

To articulate Victor Frankl’s perspective on human nature, consider the metaphor of a sailor navigating through a tempestuous sea. Just as a sailor at sea has the freedom to steer his vessel, no matter the storm, so too does each individual have the power to navigate their life’s journey, irrespective of external circumstances.

The rough, unpredictable sea represents the external adversities and challenges we face in life. These adversities can be fierce, and at times overwhelming, akin to the mighty waves that crash against a solitary ship amidst a storm. Yet, Frankl believed that despite these adversities, individuals retain the freedom to choose their response. Much like a skilled sailor who maintains the course, adjusts the sails, or seeks safe harbor, individuals have the power to shape their response to life’s trials, guided by their inner compass or their ‘will to meaning.’

The inherent goodness in human nature, according to Frankl, is found in our freedom and responsibility to seek meaning, even in the face of adversity. This can be likened to the sailor’s innate desire to find their way, to survive, and to reach their destination. Despite the most formidable storm, this pursuit never ceases.

Frankl’s logotherapy proposes that our primary motivation is the pursuit of meaning, akin to the sailor’s unwavering focus on the guiding stars, which provide direction amidst the chaotic sea. This drive towards meaning, towards a purpose greater than oneself, signifies the essential goodness and nobility in human nature.

Thus, Victor Frankl’s perspective on human nature presents a portrait of resilience, freedom, responsibility, and an inherent orientation towards meaning and goodness, much like a sailor who, despite all odds, navigates the stormy seas with the faith that calm waters and safe harbors lie ahead.

Carl Rogers’ Humanistic Psychology and the Idea of Innate Goodness

Carl Rogers, born in 1902, was one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century, and a founding figure of humanistic psychology. This branch of psychology posits that humans are not merely the product of their environment or dark unconscious urges, but have an inherent desire for self-actualization, growth, and the expression of their unique potential. Rogers is particularly known for his person-centered approach, emphasizing empathy, unconditional positive regard, and the therapist’s authenticity as critical components of effective psychotherapy.

At the heart of Rogers’ theory lies the “actualizing tendency,” the innate drive in all organisms to grow, change, and strive towards fulfillment and potential. For Rogers, humans are inherently inclined towards positive, constructive ends. This aligns closely with the idea of innate goodness. Even though individuals may deviate from this path due to adverse circumstances or conditions of worth imposed by society, at their core, they maintain this intrinsic impulse towards growth, positivity, and ultimately, goodness.

Consider human nature as akin to a garden. In Carl Rogers’ perspective, every person is like a seed with the innate potential to grow and flourish into a vibrant, unique, and robust plant. This inherent capacity for growth and self-actualization is the natural state, much like a seed instinctively knows how to germinate, to push its sprouts towards the sun, and to unfurl its leaves for photosynthesis.

Rogers emphasized the ‘actualizing tendency,’ which can be likened to the inherent genetic blueprint within the seed, guiding its growth and development. This blueprint nudges the seed towards becoming the best version of the plant it is meant to be. Similarly, in every person, there lies an innate tendency towards growth, development, and the realization of their potential.

However, just like a seed needs the right conditions to thrive, humans too require an environment conducive to growth. This includes ‘good soil’ or a nurturing and accepting social environment, ‘sunlight’ or unconditional positive regard from those around us, and ‘water’ or empathy to nourish our self-understanding and personal growth. With these conditions met, humans, like plants, can flourish, growing into the best versions of themselves.

Nevertheless, it is essential to recognize that sometimes, despite having the inherent potential for growth, a seed might fail to sprout or a plant might wither if conditions are unfavorable. Similarly, external adverse circumstances or internal psychological barriers might hinder an individual’s path towards self-actualization. However, this doesn’t negate the inherent goodness and potential within; instead, it underscores the importance of creating environments that nurture this inherent goodness and facilitate growth.

In essence, Carl Rogers’ view of human nature is one of optimism and potential, firmly rooted in the belief that, like a garden filled with a multitude of diverse and beautiful plants, each person possesses the inherent potential to grow, flourish, and contribute uniquely to the rich tapestry of human experience.

The Belief in Human Goodness and Behavior Change

When it comes to understanding and influencing human behavior, our underlying beliefs about human nature can significantly shape our approach. Our views about whether people are fundamentally good, neutral, or inherently flawed can influence everything from our interpersonal interactions to our larger societal interventions designed to foster behavior change.

Believing in the inherent goodness of human beings can drastically change the perspective towards and methods of behavior change. It shifts the focus from the lens of deficiency or flaw that needs correction to the view of untapped potential waiting to be nurtured and fostered. This optimistic view of human nature encourages an approach to behavior change that builds on strengths rather than merely trying to eliminate weaknesses.

A Strength-based Approach to Behavior Change

The belief in human goodness invites a strength-based approach to behavior change, which emphasizes strengths, potentials, and existing capacities for goodness in individuals. Instead of identifying deficits and seeking to remedy them, a strength-based approach encourages the exploration of what is already working well and how this can be amplified to support positive change.

This approach might involve helping individuals recognize their innate capacities for empathy, cooperation, and altruism, or nurturing qualities such as resilience, creativity, and ethical reasoning. The focus is on unleashing the inherent potential and goodness in individuals, empowering them to harness these qualities in the service of personal growth and positive change.

Understanding Negative Behaviors

Believing in human goodness also offers a compassionate framework for understanding negative behaviors. If one holds that people are essentially good, negative behaviors are seen not as evidence of inherent evil or pathology but as expressions of unmet needs or adaptive strategies developed under adverse conditions.

For example, an individual who engages in aggressive behavior might be trying to meet an unmet need for security, respect, or autonomy. Such behaviors, while problematic, can be seen as the individual’s best attempt to navigate their circumstances, given their current resources and skills. This understanding can foster a more empathetic and compassionate approach to behavior change, focusing on understanding and addressing the underlying needs and fostering the development of more adaptive strategies, rather than blaming or punishing the individual.

The Power of Unconditional Positive Regard

Another implication of the belief in human goodness for behavior change is the power of unconditional positive regard, a concept introduced by Carl Rogers. This concept refers to accepting and valuing a person irrespective of their behaviors. If we believe in the inherent goodness of individuals, we can separate their core worth as human beings from their behaviors.

Practicing unconditional positive regard can have a powerful impact on behavior change. When individuals feel deeply accepted and valued, they are more likely to feel safe to explore their behaviors, feelings, and thoughts, fostering self-understanding and growth. Moreover, this unconditional acceptance can reinforce individuals’ belief in their own worth and potential, enhancing their motivation and capacity for positive change.

Humanistic Psychology and Behavior Change

Humanistic psychology, as represented by Carl Rogers’ theory, provides a rich framework for considering behavior change. At the heart of this perspective is the belief in an individual’s inherent capacity for growth and self-actualization, a propensity towards realizing one’s potential and inherent goodness. Rogers posited that every person has a “real self” and an “ideal self,” and that wellness and positive behavior are fostered when one’s self-image and ideal self are congruent. This view encourages an approach to behavior change that values empathy, positive regard, and congruence.

For therapists, coaches, or any professionals assisting others in behavior change, this perspective implies creating an environment that promotes personal growth and self-discovery, allowing the person to move closer to their ideal self. This might involve providing unconditional positive regard, empathetic understanding, and genuineness, thereby fostering a sense of safety and acceptance that enables exploration and change. This helps individuals recognize and remove conditions of worth, societal or self-imposed expectations that hinder their self-actualization by fostering a lack of self-acceptance.

Logotherapy and Behavior Change

Victor Frankl’s logotherapy also offers insightful implications for facilitating behavior change. Central to Frankl’s approach is the “will to meaning,” the innate human desire to find purpose and meaning in life. According to Frankl, behavior change can often be facilitated by helping individuals discover or rediscover the unique meanings in their lives. This process might involve helping individuals understand their values, passions, and strengths, or supporting them in making sense of and finding meaning in difficult experiences.

Frankl’s emphasis on the capacity to choose one’s attitude, even in the face of unavoidable suffering, is another crucial component of this perspective on behavior change. This suggests that interventions can focus on fostering individuals’ sense of personal agency and responsibility, helping them recognize their freedom to choose their reactions and attitudes, even in challenging circumstances.

Building Environments That Foster Goodness

The belief in fundamental human goodness can shape not only individual approaches to behavior change, but also societal and institutional approaches. If we accept that humans are fundamentally good and motivated by an inherent tendency toward growth, we can develop systems and policies that reflect this understanding, encouraging healthier, more productive, and more compassionate societies.

Educational Systems

In educational contexts, the belief in human goodness can shape how we view students and the purpose of education itself. Rather than seeing education as a process of ‘filling vessels’ with knowledge or ‘correcting’ deficiencies, it can be viewed as a process of nurturing inherent capacities for learning, curiosity, creativity, empathy, and ethical reasoning.

This approach might involve creating learning environments that foster curiosity and love for learning, rather than focusing primarily on grades or standardized test scores. It could also emphasize socio-emotional learning, cultivating students’ capacities for empathy, emotional literacy, cooperation, and conflict resolution. Recognizing the inherent potential in every student can also lead to greater emphasis on equity in education, ensuring that every student, regardless of their background, has the opportunity to realize their potential.

Criminal Justice Systems

The belief in human goodness can also significantly influence approaches to criminal justice. If we see individuals who commit offenses as fundamentally good, this can shift the focus from punishment and retribution towards restoration, rehabilitation, and reintegration.

This perspective invites a restorative justice approach, which focuses on healing the harm caused by crimes, holding offenders accountable in a way that fosters their growth and integration, and restoring relationships and community harmony. It might also involve investing more in rehabilitation programs that address the underlying issues contributing to criminal behaviors, such as addiction, mental health issues, or lack of education or employment opportunities.

Social Policies

Believing in human goodness can also shape social policies, affecting how society addresses issues such as poverty, homelessness, inequality, or mental health. Rather than blaming individuals for their circumstances, this perspective emphasizes creating conditions that allow individuals to realize their inherent potential and goodness.

This might involve implementing policies that meet basic needs for food, shelter, healthcare, and education, reducing the stressors that can hinder individuals’ capacity to realize their goodness. It could also involve creating opportunities for meaningful work and community engagement, recognizing the human desire for purpose, contribution, and connection.

Healthcare Systems

In healthcare systems, a belief in human goodness can foster a holistic and person-centered approach. Rather than focusing solely on disease or dysfunction, this perspective encourages seeing patients as whole persons with inherent capacities for health and well-being.

This might involve integrating mental and physical healthcare, recognizing the interconnection between mind and body health. It could also involve incorporating practices that foster patients’ active participation in their health care, enhancing their sense of agency and empowerment. This approach can lead to healthcare that not only treats illnesses but also promotes overall health, well-being, and flourishing.

In conclusion, a belief in human goodness can significantly influence societal and institutional approaches to behavior change, fostering systems and policies that are more compassionate, empowering, and effective. By creating conditions that nurture human goodness, we can help individuals and communities to thrive.

Conclusion

The view of human nature as fundamentally good, as expressed through the lives and works of figures like Anne Frank, Carl Rogers, and Victor Frankl, has far-reaching implications for our understanding of behavior and how we facilitate change. By adopting an appreciative approach, acknowledging the innate potential within each individual, and affirming our collective capacity for goodness, we can significantly alter the landscape of personal development, therapeutic interventions, and societal transformations.

The lens of inherent human goodness offers a compassionate understanding of negative behaviors, viewing them not as signs of inherent evil, but as the products of unmet needs or adaptation to challenging circumstances. Such a perspective opens the door to empathy, understanding, and effective means of behavior change that underscore the value of nurturing inherent capacities for empathy, cooperation, altruism, and moral reasoning.

Moreover, the belief in human goodness has substantial societal and institutional implications, shaping our approaches to education, criminal justice, social policies, and healthcare. By building systems that foster human goodness and meet basic human needs, we create an environment conducive to the flourishing of individuals and communities.

In essence, the belief in fundamental human goodness is more than an optimistic assertion; it’s a powerful foundation for fostering positive behavior change, both at an individual and societal level. While acknowledging the complexities of human behavior and the darker aspects of human nature, this perspective offers a hopeful vision of what we can become, a beacon guiding us towards a more empathetic, compassionate, and just society. It encourages us not only to believe in human goodness but to act in ways that make this goodness visible in our world.

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