How To Motivate Yourself To Change

Written by Steve Rose

Steve Rose, PhD, is an addiction counsellor and former academic researcher, committed to conveying complex topics in simple language.

You stand at a crossroads, the weight of an important decision resting heavily on your shoulders. The path of change beckons with its promise of progress, yet each step forward is tethered by the familiar comfort of the status quo. You are gripped by ambivalence, that perplexing blend of desire and hesitation, as you grapple with the possibility of transforming a deep-seated behavior. It’s akin to listening to two inner voices in a relentless debate, where one whispers the thrilling potential of new beginnings and the other recounts the soothing lullabies of old habits.

As you contemplate this pivotal shift, the push and pull of ‘what is’ against ‘what could be’ creates a tug-of-war of emotions. You may find yourself daydreaming about the benefits of change, only to be jolted back by the fear of unknown consequences. It’s not just a decision; it’s a battle between your current reality and the one you wish to create. This is the experience of ambivalence, a natural and critical stage in the journey towards meaningful change, where the heart and mind often speak in conflicting tongues, and finding motivation is both your challenge and your potential triumph.

You’re reading this article because you’re standing on the brink of change, feeling both its promise and its challenges. The purpose here is to serve as your guide, to help you navigate through the fog of ambivalence and to light a path toward action. This article is crafted to arm you with strategies so you can transform the desire for change into concrete steps.

Identify the Behavior You Want to Change

As you pause to reflect on your life, think about a behavior you’re considering changing. This is not merely a habit; it’s a pattern of action that feels out of sync with the life you envision for yourself. Perhaps you spend hours scrolling through social media, the minutes slipping away as you sink deeper into the digital quicksand. Or, you might catch yourself reaching for that extra snack late at night, even when you’re not hungry, a silent comfort that’s become a nightly ritual. It could be the drink or cigarette you promise will be your last, only to find the promise broken by stress or habit.

Consider also the subtler behaviors. Maybe it’s the hesitation to speak up in meetings, even when your ideas are buzzing like bees, eager to be heard. Or the procrastination that whispers ‘later’ when you face a daunting task, despite the ticking clock reminding you that ‘later’ is a luxury you can’t afford.

Identify your behavior candidly; is it the tendency to avoid exercise, the reflex to deflect compliments, or the habit of saying ‘yes’ when you’re yearning to say ‘no’? Pinpoint the action that, if changed, could pivot the course of your daily life towards something more enriching, more fulfilling.

This identification is your first pivotal step. By naming the behavior, you drag it into the light. Here, in the open, it becomes something real, something you can face, challenge, and ultimately, transform.

Inquire Into the Benefits of This Behavior

As you delve deeper into understanding your behavior, it’s essential to acknowledge the benefits you perceive from it. These benefits act as the anchors, holding the behavior firmly in place, and they can’t be ignored if you wish to change.

Take late-night snacking, for instance. It offers you a sense of comfort after a long day, a momentary escape that’s both soothing and familiar. The food might even be tied to a sense of reward, a small treat that you feel you’ve earned. This behavior isn’t just about the food; it’s about the emotional nourishment it provides, however fleeting it might be.

When you consider not exercising, the immediate benefits may include more free time, or avoidance of the discomfort and the exertion that comes with physical activity. Perhaps it’s the cozy appeal of an extra hour in bed or the lure of an evening on the couch that convinces you to skip the gym. There’s a tangible ease in this choice, a path of less resistance that offers immediate gratification.

And what about the glass of wine or beer you reach for at the end of the day? The benefits here might be the way it helps you unwind, the social lubrication it provides, or simply the pleasure of the taste and the ritual associated with drinking. Alcohol, for many, can feel like a temporary balm for stress, a way to signal the transition from work to relaxation.

These benefits are significant; they meet certain needs and desires within you, albeit in ways that might not align with your long-term well-being. Recognizing and understanding these benefits is a crucial step in your journey. It’s not about casting judgment but about gaining insight into what drives your current behavior, setting the stage for the delicate task of balancing immediate comfort with long-term goals.

Behavior Benefits Worksheet

This worksheet is designed to help you thoughtfully consider the benefits of the behavior you’re looking to change. By filling it out, you acknowledge the positive aspects that have kept this behavior a part of your life. This recognition is vital because it adds depth to your understanding and helps pave the way for a more balanced and effective change strategy.

Behavior Identification:

What behavior are you considering changing?

Immediate Gratification:

  • What immediate pleasures or relief do you receive from engaging in this behavior?
  • How does this behavior make you feel in the short term?

Emotional Comfort:

  • What emotional needs does this behavior satisfy?
  • Are there specific feelings or emotions that this behavior helps you cope with?

Social and Environmental Context:

  • How does this behavior fit into your social life or environment?
  • Does this behavior help you connect with others, or does it serve as a social ritual?

Convenience and Ease:

  • In what ways does this behavior add convenience or ease to your life?
  • How does it save time or effort compared to other activities?

Routine and Familiarity:

  • How has this behavior become a part of your daily or weekly routine?
  • What comfort do you derive from the familiarity of this behavior?

Personal Reward:

  • Do you view this behavior as a treat or reward? If so, in what way?
  • What do you feel you are rewarding yourself for?

After you have completed the worksheet, take some time to reflect on your answers. Understanding the benefits of your current behavior will help you in developing strategies that can either replicate these benefits in healthier ways or help you find new behaviors that offer similar rewards. This reflection is a step toward acknowledging that your current behavior serves a purpose and that change will need to respect and address those underlying needs.

Acknowledge The Drawbacks of Change

Confronting change, especially when it involves altering a deep-rooted behavior, naturally brings with it a host of perceived drawbacks. These are the shadows cast by the bright light of the benefits, and they often loom larger in your mind, potentially overshadowing your motivation. It’s crucial to understand that it’s not just the behavior itself you might miss, but also the roles it fills and the needs it meets.

If you stop your behavior, it’s possible that you’ll face discomfort, a loss of a coping mechanism, or a disruption of your daily routine. You might worry about how you will fill the void left behind or manage the stress that was once soothed by this habit. Perhaps you’re concerned about the reactions of others or how it will affect your social interactions.

To fully engage with these potential drawbacks, let’s complete the following sentence completion exercise. For each statement, fill in the blank with whatever comes to mind. Don’t overthink it; just let your instincts speak.

Sentence Completion Exercise: Focusing on the Drawbacks of Change

“If I stop [enter behavior], I will…”

  1. “…feel uncomfortable because…”
  2. “…have to face…”
  3. “…miss out on…”
  4. “…need to find a new way to…”
  5. “…worry about…”
  6. “…be challenged by…”
  7. “…not know how to…”
  8. “…have to deal with…”

This exercise aims to bring to light your concerns and apprehensions about the change you’re contemplating. By acknowledging these drawbacks, you can prepare yourself more thoroughly for the journey ahead. Remember, recognizing these potential drawbacks isn’t a step backward; it’s a strategic part of planning for a successful change, ensuring that you’re ready to face the full spectrum of what this change entails.

Address What Drives This Behavior

The behavior you’re considering changing isn’t just a standalone action; it’s often a response to something deeper within your life or psyche. When you remove this behavior, the underlying issues it was masking or addressing may surface, bringing discomfort or challenges. It’s important to meet these head-on with strategies that are both healthy and sustainable.

First, identify what might come up for you when the behavior is not present. Is it stress, anxiety, boredom, or a need for social connection? Understanding these triggers is the key to developing effective alternatives.

Stress: If your behavior serves as a stress-relief, consider what other activities could alleviate stress. Perhaps it’s time to explore meditation, exercise, or deep-breathing techniques. For example, instead of reaching for a cigarette when tension mounts, you could take a brisk walk or practice a few minutes of mindful breathing to calm your nerves.

Anxiety: When anxiety is the issue, and your behavior acts as a temporary balm, look for ways to address the anxiety directly. This could involve talking to a counselor, engaging in yoga or relaxation exercises, or learning cognitive-behavioral techniques to manage anxious thoughts.

Boredom: If boredom tempts you into your old behavior, find new hobbies or interests that excite you. Replace the idle hours that led to mindless scrolling on social media with a new skill, like learning a musical instrument or a language, which can provide a sense of progress and accomplishment.

Social Connection: Should your behavior be intertwined with social habits, such as drinking alcohol at parties, think about how you can still engage socially without relying on the behavior. This might mean suggesting alternative activities with friends, like hiking or board game nights, or even volunteering, which can provide a sense of community and connection.

Comfort/Ease: If the behavior offers comfort or makes life seem easier, challenge yourself to develop resilience and adaptability. Comfort can be found in healthier routines, such as preparing a weekly meal plan to avoid the ease of fast food, or setting up a cozy reading nook that invites you into a book instead of late-night snacking.

Remember, the goal isn’t to simply remove a behavior but to replace it with something that is both nurturing and aligned with your values. By addressing the underlying issues, you empower yourself to build a life where the need for the old behavior diminishes, and new, more fulfilling patterns take root.

Here is a curated list of free resources to help you address the underlying issues that might be driving your behavior. Each resource is a starting point for exploring healthier alternatives and strategies for coping with discomfort and challenges that may arise with change.

For Stress:

For Anxiety:

For Boredom:

  • Coursera: Offers free courses on a variety of subjects to engage your mind and expand your skills.
  • Duolingo: Learn a new language for free and occupy your mind productively.
  • Khan Academy: Free courses across many subjects to keep your mind engaged and learning.
  • Project Gutenberg: Offers over 60,000 free eBooks, particularly useful if you’re looking to immerse yourself in literature.
  • Codecademy: Provides free coding classes if you’re interested in learning computer programming.

For Social Connection:

  • Meetup: Find free groups and activities in your area that align with your interests, offering a chance to connect with others.
  • VolunteerMatch: Connects you with volunteer opportunities to meet others and give back to your community.
  • Eventbrite: Search for free events in your area that you can attend to meet new people.
  • Nextdoor: A neighborhood hub for trusted connections and the exchange of helpful information, goods, and services.
  • Toastmasters International: Find a local club to improve your public speaking skills and meet like-minded individuals.

For Comfort/Ease:

  • MyFitnessPal: A free app to help you track your diet and exercise, making healthy living easier.
  • Goodreads: Engage with a community of readers, find book recommendations, and join reading challenges for free.
  • Libby: Offers access to thousands of eBooks and audiobooks through your local library for free.
  • AllTrails: Discover hiking trails and outdoor activities to inspire a more active lifestyle.

Remember, each resource is a stepping stone towards understanding and overcoming the underlying issues of your current behavior. Explore these tools and find the ones that resonate with you and your journey toward change.

Consider the Drawbacks of Not Changing

When you stand at the crossroads of change, looking forward into the unknown, it can be equally important to glance over your shoulder at the terrain you know too well. The status quo may feel comfortable, but it’s essential to acknowledge the hidden costs of not changing.

Continuation of Negative Consequences:
Think about the long-term implications of your current behavior. If you continue down this path, what might be the consequences? For example, if you’re considering quitting smoking, not changing could mean a higher risk of serious health issues, increased daily expenses, and the lingering smell of smoke on your clothes and in your home.

Opportunity Costs:
By not changing, what opportunities might you miss out on? Is there a chance you’ll forgo personal growth, healthier relationships, or even professional advancements? Staying in a sedentary lifestyle, for example, could mean missing the joys of outdoor activities, the satisfaction of achieving fitness goals, or simply the health benefits of an active life.

Emotional and Psychological Costs:
Maintaining the status quo can have emotional repercussions such as feelings of regret, low self-esteem, and the nagging sense that you’re not living up to your potential. If your current behavior conflicts with your values or desired self-image, not changing can lead to a persistent sense of incongruity.

Impact on Relationships:
Consider how your behavior affects those around you. By not changing, could your relationships suffer? For instance, habits like excessive drinking can strain personal connections and lead to conflicts or misunderstandings.

Quality of Life:
Assess how your current behavior shapes your quality of life. Does it prevent you from feeling your best or living life fully? If late-night snacking is keeping you from a good night’s sleep, you’re not just affecting your waistline but also your energy levels, mood, and productivity the following day.

Contemplating the drawbacks of not changing can be a powerful motivator. It’s not about inducing fear, but rather about gaining a clear-eyed view of the cost of inaction. This perspective can tip the scales when ambivalence weighs heavy, sparking the motivation needed to embark on the path of change.

Reflecting on the consequences of maintaining your current behavior can be a sobering but necessary step in your journey towards change. Often, it’s the realization of what might happen if you don’t change that becomes the catalyst for real transformation. To help bring these realizations to light, engage in the following sentence completion exercise. Be honest and direct with your responses; they are for you and you alone.

Sentence Completion Exercise: Discovering Your Own Drawbacks of Not Changing

  1. “If I continue this behavior, the negative consequences could include…”
  2. “By not changing, I might miss out on opportunities such as…”
  3. “The emotional and psychological cost of not changing might make me feel…”
  4. “If I don’t make this change, my relationships could…”
  5. “The impact on my quality of life by not changing could mean…”

This exercise is intended to help you articulate the potential repercussions of inaction. It’s easy to ignore or downplay these costs when they’re just nebulous worries floating in your mind. Writing them down makes them concrete and can often make the need for change more urgent and clear. As you complete each sentence, you may find that the reasons to pursue change far outweigh the comfort of staying where you are.

Consider the Benefits of Change

Imagine a life where you’ve made the change you’re contemplating. It’s a life where the shackles of your old behavior no longer hold you back. Picturing the positive outcomes of this change can help propel you forward. Let’s explore what this brighter future might hold for you.

Enhanced Health and Wellbeing:
The decision to transform your habits can lead directly to improved physical health. Whether it’s quitting smoking, eating healthier, or incorporating exercise into your routine, each change opens the door to a stronger, more vibrant you. Picture waking up with more energy, enjoying a clearer mind, and feeling the benefits of a body that’s being taken care of.

New Opportunities:
With change comes the potential for new doors to open. If you’re more active, perhaps you’ll discover a passion for hiking or cycling. If you curb late-night snacking or drinking alcohol, maybe you’ll find that you’re more productive in the mornings. Each positive change can ripple out, influencing various aspects of your life and presenting opportunities that you can’t yet foresee.

Improved Relationships:
As you change, your relationships might start to shift for the better. Healthier habits can lead to a more positive outlook, making you a more engaging and present friend, partner, or family member. Your commitment to change can also inspire those around you, potentially leading to shared activities and goals that strengthen your bonds.

Greater Self-Confidence:
Every step you take towards change is a step towards becoming the person you want to be. Achieving even small milestones can significantly boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. Embrace the empowering feeling that comes from setting a goal and seeing it through.

Alignment with Your Values:
Living in a way that aligns with your values is profoundly satisfying. If you value health, every choice that supports this brings a sense of integrity and fulfillment. If you cherish family, changes that allow you to spend quality time with loved ones will enrich your life immeasurably.

Visualize these benefits and let them sink in. They are not just hypothetical; they could be your reality. With each benefit clearly in mind, you can build the resolve needed to push past the inertia of the current moment and move into a future that is more in tune with who you truly want to be.

Worksheet: Exploring the Benefits of Your Change

This worksheet is designed to help you delve into the potential benefits that change could bring into your life. Take your time with each question, allowing yourself to fully envision how your life could improve.

Enhanced Health and Wellbeing

  • What specific health benefits do you anticipate from making this change?
  • How do you imagine feeling physically after this change has been implemented?
  • In what ways could your mental health improve as a result of this change?

New Opportunities

  • List any new activities or hobbies you might try once you’ve made this change.
  • What are some new goals you could pursue that are currently hindered by your present behavior?
  • How might your professional life or personal growth benefit from this change?

Improved Relationships

  • Identify the relationships that might improve as a result of your change.
  • How will your behavior change positively affect those around you?
  • In what ways can this change create opportunities for shared experiences with others?

Greater Self-Confidence

  • What achievements will make you feel proud once you’ve made this change?
  • How might overcoming the challenges of this change enhance your self-view?
  • Describe how you will celebrate your successes along the way.

Alignment with Your Values

  • Which of your core values will be supported by this change?
  • How does this change reflect the person you aspire to be?
  • What does living in alignment with your values look like on a daily basis?

Reflection Exercise:

  • Write a brief narrative of your future self, enjoying the benefits of this change.
  • Imagine advising a friend who has successfully made this change. What would you say to them? Now, turn that advice to yourself.

Take your completed worksheet as a map of your aspirations and let it guide you through your journey of change. Keep it somewhere you can see it often, to remind yourself of the meaningful and attainable benefits awaiting you.

Examine Misalignment of Behavior and Values

You might find yourself engaging in habits that don’t align with your core values. Reflect on these values—those principles that you hold dear and that define who you are or who you want to be. Now, consider your current behavior. Does this behavior support your values, or does it pull you away from them? Perhaps you value health, yet you find yourself drinking too much alcohol; maybe you cherish family time, but excessive work is eating into these precious moments. This recognition of misalignment is the first step towards meaningful change.

Exploring the Consequences of the Discrepancy

Living out of sync with your values can lead to an internal conflict that impacts your life more than you may realize. It can manifest as persistent discomfort, a vague sense of dissatisfaction, or even lead to more profound issues like depression and anxiety. Ask yourself what it has cost you to live this way. How has it affected your self-esteem, your potential for happiness, and your relationships? The consequences of this discrepancy are the very reasons why change is not just beneficial, but necessary.

Recognizing that your current path is not leading you where you want to go can be the spark needed to ignite your motivation. It’s not just about making a change; it’s about making the change now. Why wait to be the person you aspire to be? Delaying change can mean prolonging the discomfort and missing out on the life you envision. Create a sense of urgency by setting a date for when you want to start seeing change, and identify the first step you will take towards it. Your values are calling you to action—answer that call and commit to aligning your behavior with what truly matters to you.

Plan for Initial Change

SMART goals are a powerful tool to help you pave a clear path toward change. They are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. This framework transforms vague intentions into a blueprint for action. For instance, instead of simply saying you want to “exercise more,” a SMART goal would be to “walk 30 minutes a day, five days a week, starting Monday, for the next month.”

Setting Initial SMART Goals for Behavioral Change

As you begin this journey, set initial SMART goals that directly impact your current behavior. Let’s say your goal is to reduce late-night snacking. A SMART version might be, “I will not eat any snacks after 8 PM on weekdays for the next two weeks.” It’s specific (no snacks after 8 PM), measurable (you can track this daily), achievable (it’s a realistic starting point), relevant (it addresses the behavior you want to change), and time-bound (for the next two weeks).

The Role of SMART Goals in Sustained Motivation

Setting and achieving SMART goals can fuel your motivation, creating a cycle of success. Each time you meet a goal, take time to celebrate that win, no matter how small. This acknowledgment reinforces your confidence to take on the next challenge. As you witness your own progress, your belief in the possibility of change becomes stronger, sustaining your motivation over the long haul. Remember, every sizable achievement is a series of smaller victories. Keep your goals SMART, and watch as the small steps add up to significant transformation.

SMART Goal Worksheet

This worksheet is designed to help you create and commit to SMART goals that will guide your behavioral change. Take it step by step, and by the end, you will have a clear, actionable plan to follow.

Goal Statement:
Write down the broad change you want to make.

S – Specific

  • What exactly will you do?
  • Who needs to be involved?
  • Where will this take place?
  • What are the details?

M – Measurable

  • How will you track your progress?
  • What is your target?
  • How will you know when you have reached your goal?

A – Achievable

  • Is this goal realistic with effort and commitment?
  • Do you have the resources to make this happen?
  • If not, how can you obtain them?

R – Relevant

  • Why is this goal important to you?
  • How does it align with your broader life values?
  • How will it contribute to your self-improvement?

T – Time-bound

  • When will you start taking action?
  • What is your deadline to achieve this goal?
  • Can you set milestones along the way?

Action Steps:
List the steps you need to take to achieve your goal. Make sure each step is a mini SMART goal in itself!

Potential Barriers:
What obstacles might you face, and how will you overcome them?

Support System:
Who can help you stay accountable?

Reward System:
How will you celebrate reaching milestones and ultimately achieving your goal?

By filling out this worksheet, you’ve turned your intention into a plan. Keep this worksheet visible as a daily reminder of your commitment, and review it regularly to track your progress and stay motivated.

Create a Vision for Long Term Change

Understanding the Concept of Stretch Goals

Stretch goals are ambitious objectives that push you beyond your current capabilities and comfort zone. They are not just steps towards a destination; they are leaps towards a transformative experience. While they should be challenging, stretch goals still need to be within the realm of possibility—they are the dreams that inspire you to reach higher.

While SMART goals keep you grounded with short-term, achievable targets, stretch goals invite you to envision a bigger picture and drive long-term growth. They serve as the beacon on the horizon, guiding your journey and inspiring continuous effort. As you achieve your SMART goals, your stretch goals then adjust and extend, constantly moving you forward and preventing complacency.

To set stretch goals, think about where you want to be after you’ve achieved your initial SMART goals. If your SMART goal was to jog 30 minutes a day, a stretch goal might be to run a half-marathon in six months. It should excite you and perhaps even make you a little nervous—that’s how you know it’s a stretch. Break this long-term goal into smaller objectives that you can start working towards immediately, each with its own set of SMART criteria.

Remember, the path to achieving stretch goals is often non-linear and requires adaptability. Expect setbacks, and view them not as failures but as learning experiences that bring you closer to your grand ambitions. With each stretch goal you set, you expand the boundaries of your potential and unlock new levels of personal achievement.

The transition from planning to action is critical. Begin by establishing clear starting points and quick wins—small successes that build momentum. Visualize your success and rehearse your actions mentally. Use calendars and set reminders to keep on track. Communicate your goals to those who can offer support and create an environment that reduces temptation and facilitates your goals. Remember, the first step is often the hardest, but it sets the stage for all the others.

Overcoming Obstacles and Maintaining Motivation

You will inevitably encounter hurdles. Identify potential obstacles now, and brainstorm ways to navigate them. If you fall off track, don’t dwell on the slip-up; refocus and adjust your plan as quickly as possible. Maintain motivation by revisiting your reasons for change, celebrating progress, and connecting with others who share your goals or can offer encouragement. Keeping a journal of your journey can also provide you with insights and remind you of how far you’ve come when challenges arise.

Adjusting Goals as Needed for Continued Progress

Flexibility is key to sustained progress. If you find that a goal is too ambitious, scale it back to a more achievable target. Conversely, if a goal becomes too easy, challenge yourself more. Life’s variables can affect your journey, and your goals may require tweaking as circumstances change. Periodic reviews of your goals are essential—this is a dynamic process, not a one-time event. Adjusting goals is not a sign of failure but a sign of smart strategy and responsiveness to your ongoing development.


Behavioral change is more than just a checklist of actions; it’s a profound journey of personal growth. Each step you take in modifying your behavior not only moves you closer to your desired outcome but also fosters self-awareness, resilience, and strength of character. You aren’t just changing a habit; you’re evolving as an individual.

As you navigate this path, remember to embrace the process—ups, downs, and all. It’s a rich landscape where each challenge is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your potential. Don’t hesitate to seek support, whether it’s from friends, family, professionals, or community groups. Support can be a powerful catalyst for maintaining momentum and commitment.

Finally, recognize the transformative power of aligning your actions with your core values. This alignment is the heart of true and lasting change. When your behaviors reflect your deepest beliefs, you not only improve your own life but potentially inspire those around you to consider their own changes. Stand proud in your efforts, knowing that each step you take is a testament to your commitment to living a life that is authentically yours.

Reach Out for Support

Still feeling stuck and ready to start living up to your potential?

Making a change is significantly harder on your own. That is why I’m here to help.

Send me a message here to begin achieving your goals, solving your struggles, and tapping into my support to make lasting change.

Together, we can make change a reality.

Fascinated by ideas? Check out my podcast:

Struggling with an addiction?

If you’re struggling with an addiction, it can be difficult to stop. Gaining short-term relief, at a long-term cost, you may start to wonder if it’s even worth it anymore. If you’re looking to make some changes, feel free to reach out. I offer individual addiction counselling to clients in the US and Canada. If you’re interested in learning more, you can send me a message here.

Other Mental Health Resources

If you are struggling with other mental health issues or are looking for a specialist near you, use the Psychology Today therapist directory here to find a practitioner who specializes in your area of concern.

If you require a lower-cost option, you can check out It is one of the most flexible forms of online counseling. Their main benefit is lower costs, high accessibility through their mobile app, and the ability to switch counselors quickly and easily, until you find the right fit.

*As an affiliate partner with Better Help, I receive a referral fee if you purchase products or services through the links provided.

As always, it is important to be critical when seeking help, since the quality of counselors are not consistent. If you are not feeling supported, it may be helpful to seek out another practitioner. I wrote an article on things to consider here.

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1 Comment

  1. Claudia Jude Dewane

    What a thorough article! Your model can be applied to so many behaviors. Thank you.


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