by Steve Rose | Jun 18, 2019 | Identity, Purpose, and Belonging
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If you’ve been following my work, you may have noticed I’ve transitioned from veteran issues to addictions. I thought I should probably elaborate on this shift in focus and share the underlying theme driving all of my work.
After reading a few of my articles, it should be fairly clear that the underlying theme is the power of social connection. It has been the central driving force behind my writing for the last ten years.
Although I usually talk about the research on social connection and its various benefits and impacts on our lives, this article will have a bit of a different tone. I want to share a bit of an autobiographical account of the things I’ve learned since I started writing about these ideas.
My interest in the power of social connection started when I began studying sociology. Initially heading into law enforcement, I was fascinated by how criminal behavior is often the result of social forces such as poverty. I started applying to the RCMP (being Canadian and all) and figured I’d just get a sociology degree because it sounded like the most interesting way to spend four years.
Throughout my education, I began to realize that law enforcement is not the solution to the underlying issues facing society. This complicated my goal, but I rationalized it by believing I would change the system from within!
One day, after instructing an aqua-fitness class (very random), a couple came up to me and asked why I wanted to get into policing.
“Great pay, good benefits, and secure retirement,” I replied, quickly realizing how unfulfilling this answer sounded.
After asking me about my real interests, it became clear I needed to pursue sociology further. It was at that moment I decided to apply for the Master’s degree program.
From that moment on, I became obsessed with sociology. Getting into the program, I didn’t know what to study, but I just held onto my underlying conviction in the power of social forces.
At around that time, about ten years ago, I also started my first blog, mainly directed at critiquing religion. I thought I was against religion, but looking back, I was just against the corrupt aspects of the institution and superficial interpretations of sacred texts. Here is an excerpt from one of my early articles:
The story of the last supper is an example of an occurrence that if taken literally, a person must believe they are consuming the body and blood of Christ that is transformed from bread and wine into a divine substance. To believe this is to miss the point. The bread and wine may be sacred, but it is no more divine than it was before it was blessed. The communion represents the importance of community rather than the literal ingestion of Jesus as many Catholic practitioners still maintain.
This is an early glimpse into my interest in the power of social connection. Mystification around the catholic communion ritual was a common theme in my writing. I had spent too many years watching people at church just go through the motions like zombies enacting supernatural cannibalism.
Although the tone in my writing during these years was a bit reactionary and critical, I stood for improving the quality of religious rituals to bring back a focus on social connection.
Throughout the Master’s program in sociology, I became utterly obsessed with theoretical texts. My quest to understand social theory was fueled by a deep existential need to understand the meaning of life (yes… no small task!).
If you ask my mentors at this time, they would likely say the same. I completely believed I was just one insight away from understanding a grand social theory of everything! I was so lost in the theoretical jargon; almost everything I wrote was unreadable.
Here is a sentence from my Master’s thesis:
“Drawing on Michel Foucault’s late work on Christian technologies of the self, this paper asserts the continuity of ascetic ethical practices in the representation of modern fitness.”
To translate, I critiqued the way fitness is represented in the media. Similar to my critique of religion, I argued that the individualistic weight loss television genre blamed individuals for their moral weaknesses. In short, it fostered shame and division rather than community.
Much of my writing at this time became increasingly abstract and impenetrable. I was talking about social issues, but it was making me increasingly antisocial since I couldn’t communicate the message to anyone outside of a very narrow field of study.
Once I began my doctoral studies, I knew I had to change something. I had four years to study anything I wanted, supported by funding and scholarships derived from public sources.
This was big! I felt like I had to do something publically relevant, something that could potentially help people. I couldn’t go on, further isolating myself in an impenetrable web of intellectual language games.
Luckily, right around this time, I was presented with the opportunity to research Canadian veterans. I had never been interested in the military or veterans’ issues before then. Like many sociology grad students, I was generally against the institution.
I leaped outside my comfort zone, seeing this as an opportunity to do something relevant, meaningful, and potentially helpful. I learned everything I could about veterans’ issues, and it transformed the way I looked at things.
I started the first version of this website around that time, committing to communicate my research in clear and accessible language. I wanted to do justice to the issue, receiving full support from the population I had the privilege to study.
The power of social connection became an increasingly evident theme in my writing. I used my articles as brainstorming drafts for my dissertation, growing as I received feedback from readers. If you’re interested in checking out this content, I’ve compiled these articles in the Veterans in Transition section of this site.
Once I finished my dissertation, the power of social bonds couldn’t be more apparent. It was everything. My research helped me learn how veterans struggle with issues beyond PTSD. Rather than merely focusing on mental health issues, I realized we need to focus on social health issues.
Reintegration into a highly individualistic civilian social world can often be its own form of traumatic experience. Going from a tightly bonded military community with a strong sense of purpose to a loosely structured civilian world without a strong sense of urgency can make veterans feel isolated and purposeless. You can see my finished dissertation here.
After studying sociology for nine years, I graduated with my PhD and now needed to make money. I was lucky enough to get offered a part-time teaching position at Eastern Michigan University, but this was not enough. Full-time positions were hard to come by, and being unemployed in the summer was not sustainable, so I began looking for work outside of the university world, something I had almost no experience with since my aquafitness days.
A lucky break came when I got a position doing problem gambling prevention programming. The role consists of being available within the casino to assist people concerned about their gambling, in addition to sharing facts vs. myths of how gambling works. This position was an abrupt reeducation in how to communicate with non-sociologists.
Just like the military, I had never been particularly interested in addiction, nor did I have any experience with it. I decided to enroll in an addiction counseling certificate program at a local college in an attempt to learn how to do front-line work in the field. I soon became obsessed with learning about addiction, just as I had done with sociology (…with a bit less angsty existential fury).
Although I and began building a career in a completely new area, I noticed the same lessons I learned when studying veterans issues applied to addiction. Social connection is a powerful force for recovery and addiction is rooted in isolation. I share this lesson in my article, “The Most Neglected Aspect of Addiction Recovery.”
I recently moved into a treatment focused role within a healthcare setting, focusing on problem gambling as well as internet and gaming addiction. Upon reflection on why I’ve been drawn to this area, I’ve realized it’s because these forms of addiction are especially focused on the “social” theme. My article, “Is Social Media Making Us Less Social?” directly addresses this question. Also, my most recent article, “How to Prevent a Gaming Addiction,” looks at how social isolation contributes to gaming addiction.
Going forward, I plan to continue delving deeper into the same theme that initially sparked my interest in sociology. I’ve focused on many different topics, including religion, fitness, veterans in transition, and addiction. Still, the thread tying it all together is my profound conviction in the power of social connection.
Check out my articles if you share this conviction and want to read more.
by Steve Rose | Apr 21, 2019 | Identity, Purpose, and Belonging
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What does success really mean?
The media bombards us with messages that success means having money, power, privilege, or beauty.
Our parents have another idea of what success means, pushing for job security, financial stability, and raising well-adjusted children.
Success means something different for everyone, so what is the true meaning of success?
It means living in alignment with your personal definition of success by staying true to your values and taking meaningful actions toward your own valued goals.
In this article, I dive into the science and philosophy of what success really means and how it affects your level of satisfaction in life.
The Meaning of Success in Modern Society
“I want the money, money and the cars, cars and the clothes… I just wanna be successful.
Trey Songz – Successful
When it comes down to it, “the good life” actually means a life of happiness. But where does happiness come from?
Media definition of success tells us it can be found in material possessions, status, and a life filled with luxury. But as many of us already know, these things can bring pleasure, but this version of happiness is like a bottomless pit, needing to be fueled by ever more stimulus to sustain it, eventually making us miserable.
A report by the Association for Psychological Science confirms this, finding:
“Simply having a bunch of things is not the key to happiness…[.] Our data show that you also need to appreciate those things you have. It’s also important to keep your desire for things you don’t own in check.”
But why do we continue to desire the infinite? Can we ever fill the void?
The answer is no.
Just like someone self-medicating with drugs or addictive behaviors, there is never enough.
Part of the desire for material possessions is the desire for acceptance from others. When the need for acceptance is unmet and we do not accept ourselves, we give up our own version of success for society’s definition.
Chuck Palahniuk says it best in Fight Club:
“The things you own end up owning you.”
Even though you may still feel like you’re in the driver seat of your life, you know deep down that you’re driving down the wrong road.
As the sense of resentment grows, the morphine drip of material comforts, social status, and security numbs this nagging feeling. As stated in Fight Club:
“We buy things we don’t need, to impress people we don’t like.”
Affluent society masks its hypocrisy with a veneer of politeness and good manners. Symbols of material success become symbols of moral success, disguising the state of moral lack. As William James said:
“The moral flabbiness born of the exclusive worship of the bitch-goddess SUCCESS. That – with the squalid cash interpretation put on the word ‘success’ – is our national disease.”
This false image of success keeps us always looking for more.
Bigger, better, smarter, faster, stronger, more attention, more stuff! The more we get, the more we want.
Émile Durkheim characterizes this state of moral flabbiness in the following way:
“Unlimited desires are insatiable by definition and insatiability is rightly considered a sign of morbidity. Being unlimited, they constantly and infinitely surpass the means at their command; they cannot be quenched. Inextinguishable thirst is constantly renewed torture.”
Drinking from the seductive cup of material success will only make you thirstier.
This classic sociological wisdom is backed by contemporary science. In a 2016 article on income and happiness, the author’s state find that happiness does increase as income rises, but gains diminish after a household income of $80,000 a year. These gains reach zero at $200,000 a year.
Therefore, having a reasonable level of financial security reduces negative emotions, but the pursuit of infinite wealth does not contribute to happiness.
This finding has also been replicated on a broader level, looking at the correlation between a countries wealth and the happiness of its citizens. In this 2010 article, the authors state:
“…over the long-term, usually a period of 10 years or more, happiness does not increase as a country’s income rises.”
Similar to the previous study, happiness does decline in a state of economic contraction, likely due to a sense of financial insecurity. But in the long term, the pursuit of infinite wealth does not increase a countries happiness.
Let’s now turn to lessons from classic literature.
In The Death of Ivan Ilych, Leo Tolstoy gives a tragic account of a man who wasted his whole life conforming to an empty social norm. On his deathbed, Ivan Illych comes to question the whole of his life. Had he been merely going through the prescribed motions? In the society depicted, success comes at the cost of meaningful human relations.
As stated by Psychologist Mark Freeman in his 1997 publication in Cambridge Journal’s Ageing & Society:
“Tolstoy’s book is about many things: the tyranny of bourgeois niceties, the terrible weak spots of the human heart, the primacy and elision of death. But more than anything, I would offer, it is about the consequences of living without meaning, that is, without a true and abiding connection to one’s life.“
A true and abiding connection to one’s life means living beyond the superficial success game.
Psychological science also backs this up.
In The Harvard Grant Study, the researchers studied the same group of men for nearly 80 years, trying to uncover what leads to a happier life, finding:
“Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.”
Veterans returning from deployment know this better than anyone else.
Upon returning from a world where every decision means the difference between life and death, they are quick to diagnose our society’s individualism.
As one Canadian veteran I interviewed states:
“It’s hard to care about things you should care about in civilian life.”
Another states:
“There was just an overwhelming sense that nothing mattered”
Bryan Wood, a U.S veteran, mirrors this sentiment in his memoir, Unspoken Abandonment. After witnessing the profound tragedy of war, his sense of what mattered in life was uprooted. Referring to the conversations of co-workers he states:
“I couldn’t believe the kind of silly bullshit these people thought mattered in life. I couldn’t believe I once thought these same things were important.”
Another states:
“You’re used to doing things that mattered, and suddenly your life is simply digesting bullshit and consuming instead”
Consumer culture leads us away from the true and abiding connection to one’s life that comes with following our own definition of success.
To learn more about how my research on veterans informs my understanding of success in civilian life, you can check out my article, 6 Things Veterans Can Teach Us About Life.
A Deeper Understanding of Success
“Ambition makes you look pretty ugly”
Radiohead
Imagine you are at a funeral.
A close friend of the deceased steps up to the pulpit and proceeds with the following eulogy:
He was a hard worker… highly organized and independent, a skilled communicator who could work well with others, detail-oriented, and was able to work efficiently in a fast-paced environment.
He was a wise man, never received a grade lower than an A-, balanced a full course-load with extracurricular activities, and maintained a full scholarship throughout college.
He was a loving man. He loved the sweet taste of victory every time he closed a deal.
He was a committed man. He was always committed to the bottom line and he could consistently increase profits by 30% each quarter.
You would be startled by this friend who completely neglected the things that actually matter.
Rather than a eulogy, it would look as if the friend were speaking on behalf of the deceased for a postmortem job interview.
But if these things don’t actually matter, why do we spend the majority of our time focused on building these resume virtues while neglecting the eulogy virtues?
In The Road to Character, David Brooks illustrates how we are living in an age increasingly dominated by the resume virtues. He argues that our increased focus on building our resumes has distracted us from deeper virtues.
These deeper virtues include a deep and abiding philosophy of life, the ability to love compassionately, and the ability to commit oneself to the discipline of service to a larger moral cause.
So what’s wrong with ambition and the desire to get ahead?
Nothing is wrong with having ambitions; the problem is having an unbalanced level of ambition associated with the resume virtues, while completely neglecting the eulogy virtues.
Consider a person who goes to professional conferences for the sole purpose of building their resume and promoting their personal brand.
They pass from person to person, handing out their business card, trying to weasel into conversions with prestigious figures. They operate on an autopilot “what can I get” mentality, spamming everyone who is deemed useful.
A thin veneer of self-importance masks their inner-fragility, but no one is fooled. Like Radiohead said in Paranoid Android, Ambition makes you look pretty ugly.
As a lecturer in sociology at Eastern Michigan University, I have seen this resume-focused culture among students who feel crushed by the pressure to constantly perform to the point where anything lower than an A seems like a failing grade.
Many students have come to view their education as an obstacle to overcome so they can look impressive on paper in order to attain high paying jobs. But this is not necessarily their fault. The impersonal bureaucratized education system uses GPAs and standardized tests to sort through a large number of applicants.
This system produces grade-obsession, overshadowing self-cultivation, and character development. Simply memorizing a set of factual bullet-points for the exam has become the main goal for many students. This type of ambition is neither in the best interest of students or the broader society.
The real world does not want someone who simply knows a lot of facts; we have Google for that. The real world wants people who understand how to use knowledge to solve problems.
In order to solve the world’s problems, we need people who are self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and have a disciplined sense of commitment to serving a larger cause.
These are the characteristics associated with the eulogy virtues. These are the characteristics that will save us from ugliness.
Aristotle gave us a version of the good life that is not only sustainable, but it also promotes true happiness.
His first principle is that all things aim at “the good”. Like archers directing an arrow toward a target, “the good” is the ultimate target of our actions. The problem is that this ultimate aim is often interrupted.
As Jean Vanier states in Made for Happiness: Discovering the Meaning of Life with Aristotle:
Today, as always, many people are not interested in the target, that is to say, the ultimate end of their actions. They are prompted by what everyone wants — as if their family, society, and the media were determining their development. Of course they want success, pleasure, recognition, but without really knowing why. They are caught up in short-term projects that prevent them from thinking about the purpose and meaning of human life.
Aristotle tells us that the key to redirecting our life toward “the good” is to use our reason to direct our passions and chaotic desires toward virtue. Jean Vanier gives the following metaphor of reason taking the reins of the passions:
Like runaway, riderless horses, they await direction. Man’s proper task is to take hold of the reins and guide them, to orient these desires, with all their fulminating energy, towards the sought-after end.
The problem is that this is far easier said than done.
How to Build a Better Version of Success
If you are addicted to the socially construed definition of success, it is not easy to simply suppress your deep emotional attachments to this way of life.
Our minds are driven by our emotions.
Contemporary moral psychologist, Jonathan Haidt, empirically demonstrates that David Hume’s passion-driven conception of human reason is more in line with reality.
Rather than a rider taking the reigns of a horse, Haidt says reason is more like a rider on an elephant.
Although reason can nudge us in a specific direction, the emotions, represented by the elephant, overwhelmingly drive our behavior. Since reason is not sovereign, this idea flips Aristotle’s method of virtuous self-development on his head, forcing us to train our emotions rather than our reason.
How does one go about training their emotions?
In the case of psychological disorders, emotion-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy or present-centered breathing techniques may be beneficial.
But beyond the case of psychological disorders, a morally virtuous character is not built from within. Rather, the virtuous character is built between the individual and society.
In The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt gives two possible methods of facilitating this type of interaction:
What is the meaning of life? The question is unanswerable in that form, but with a slight rephrasing we can answer it. Part of the answer is to tie yourself down, commit yourself to people and projects, and enter a state of “vital engagement†with them. The other part is to attain a state of “cross-level coherence” within yourself, and within your life. Religion is an evolved mechanism for satisfying these needs. We can find meaning and happiness without religion, but we must understand our evolved religious nature before we can find effective substitutes.
So to recap, the archer whose target is “the good life” is not merely distracted by emotions, but driven by them.
Training the emotional elephant can take the form of individual therapy, but must take the form of vital social engagement to build a virtuous character.
Developing this character is its own reward, producing happiness throughout the process. Therefore, happiness is not to be confused with”the good life”.
If “the good life” is the target, happiness is the vehicle by which one works toward it. Happiness is facilitated by social forces that promote moral commitment such as work and community life.
Johnathen Haidt also raises the important question of how a diverse society can promote a common morality:
Is virtue its own reward? Yes, but in the modern West we’ve lost the ability to grow most virtues in good soil, and we’ve reduced virtue to just being nice. Where did we go wrong, and how can we forge a common morality in a diverse society?
Fundamentally, man’s desire toward “the good life” is the desire to have a common purpose found in community.
Individualistic social contexts have a tendency to leave this desire unfulfilled. This results in the pursuit of status, encouraged by the success ideolog, as highlighted at the beginning of this post.
Luxurious lifestyles and status symbols can give us the thrill of temporary pleasure, but it is ultimately a bottomless pit, always demanding more.
True happiness comes from a life of virtue, nourished by a moral social context that provides purpose and direction, promoting our lives together.
For a deeper look at the meaning of purpose, you can check out my article, What Does it Mean to Have a Purpose.
How A Company is Redefining Success
“We asked ourselves what we wanted this company to stand for. We didn’t want to just sell shoes. I wasn’t even into shoes – but I was passionate about customer service.”
Tony Hsieh
It is no secret that the key to Zappos’ success is its unique company culture. The turning point occurred when founder Tony Hsieh changed their guiding principle from profits to service.
In Delivering Happiness, Tony outlines his insights into company culture throughout his entrepreneurial career. Taking insights from the field of positive psychology and applying it to his organizational setting, Tony has been able to create a cult-like environment that inspires individuals through service.
Although the concept of service has its roots in the religious-life of ritual, the sociologist Émile Durkheim argued that occupational groups would take over this function in the modern era. But as we have seen in the development of corporate America, this is often not the case.
Decidedly breaking from the culture of greed as a motivator, Zappos has created a cult of service. Inspiring rather than motivating has been Tony’s goal.
But how does service inspire individuals, making them happier? The answer is the meaning and sense of purpose that comes with service to a cause outside of ourselves.
At Zappos, achieving happiness comes from delivering happiness. The culture of service Tony has been able to achieve inspires employees by giving them a sense of purpose outside themselves. This is supported throughout the workplace structure at Zappos.
A prime example of how Zappos is redefining success is the lack of time-restrictions on customer service phone calls and a large amount of staff allotted to this position. This allows employees to focus on serving the customer, rather than call-time efficiency. Tony actually reported that their record call-time was seven and a half hours with a customer!
The foundation of Zappos’ company culture centers on its core values. These are the guiding principals that support a positive environment where individuals gain a sense of comradery rather than a sense of competition.
Unlike most organizations, their core values are actually relevant, meaningful, and drawn upon to determine who is hired and fired. This means that individuals who are highly qualified will not be hired or retained if they are not in line with the core values.
Instead of assuming individuals are motivated by an endless pursuit of wealth, Zappos focuses its resources on building a workplace that fosters positive relations and provides a structure that allows employees to serve.
Check out the Zappos Family Culture Book, for first-hand accounts of the powerful workplace culture at Zappos.
Conclusion
True success means staying true to a deeper sense of purpose, despite deviating from a superficial social norm.
It means finding joy in suffering. It means having the courage to peruse one’s own journey when confronted by the fear of uncertainty.
In a world characterized by rapidly growing uncertainty, we can try to seek solace in the empty promise of conventional success, or we can choose our own path.
Although it is our own path, we need to be aware of how this path connects us to a cause or community beyond ourselves.
Living in aliment with our core values allows us to genuinely connect with others rather than trying to gain a false sense of acceptance through status.
Hopefully, this article has helped clarify the true meaning of success.
If you are interested in learning more about this topic, you can check out my articles on Identity, Purpose, and Belonging.
by Steve Rose | Apr 20, 2019 | Identity, Purpose, and Belonging
On the go? Listen to the audio version of the article here:
The phrase, “it’s lonely at the top” suggests success causes loneliness. But what does the research say on whether successful people are actually at risk of loneliness?
According to Thomas Joiner in Lonely at the Top, success can cause loneliness when people neglect the quality and quantity of their close social relations in favor of focusing on instrumental goals associated with success.
Although being successful does not guarantee loneliness, it can be a risk factor for loneliness, especially among successful older men.
Let’s take a closer look at what causes this form of loneliness.
Career Success Among Men
For millennia, men have enjoyed a disproportionate amount of wealth and power. Although the gender gap is now narrowing, women still earn roughly 74 cents for every dollar men earn.
Part of this gap may be due to discrimination, but another explanation is that women might be more likely to choose life-satisfaction over higher earnings.
Although men have held political and economic superiority, their success has lead to suffering from higher levels of loneliness. In Lonely at the Top, Thomas Joiner looks at the high cost of men’s success, showing that men’s loneliness is caused by their privilege. He states:
Much attention is focused, rightly, on men’s disproportionate share of wealth and power; too little attention is spent on men’s disproportionate share of misery, one index of which is high suicide rates.
How Success Causes Loneliness Among Men
Thomas Joiner argues that the loneliness and resulting misery are caused by ignoring relationships in favor of instrumental activities such as efficient problem-solving and a “go-getter” attitude to goal attainment.
Instrumental goals include focusing on getting ahead financially and out-competing others in the workplace. They include focusing on transactions over social relations.
This mentality is highlighted in the movie Glengarry GlenRoss:
ABC. “A”, always. “B”, be. “C”, closing. ALWAYS BE CLOSING. Always be closing…[.] you can’t play the man’s game, you can’t close them, and then tell your wife your troubles.
Joiner states that higher levels of instrumentality give a sense of purpose and contribute to lower levels of depression in men compared to women, but women’s greater focus on relationships is a protective factor later in life.
After retirement, men are more likely to suffer the effects of their relational neglect. The competitive career orientation may drive successful men in their careers, but this success comes at a high cost.
There is also a physical cost of men’s success, potentially leading to physical health complications.
As discovered in a study on loneliness:
“Loneliness is as strong a risk factor for illness and death as smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure,”
In addition to the physical costs, there are mental health costs. Upon retirement, men not only lose a sense of purpose, but they also lose many of their casual acquaintances at the workplace. This double loss increases the risk of suicide due to feeling isolated and lacking purpose. You can read more about this topic in my articles on suicide and mental health.
Joiner’s message is clear: men are privileged, instrumentally oriented, therefore neglect facilitating strong deep social ties, resulting in likely suffering from chronic loneliness later in life, perhaps without even recognizing how bad it is until it’s too late.
Solutions to the problem require men to focus on maintaining and deepening meaningful social ties, particularly later in life, or during retirement when they are most at risk.
Joiner recommends hobbies, regular gatherings with friends, and even using Facebook, which Joiner regards as a useful platform to stay connected with others, despite its potential for overuse. I talk more about how to use social media in a healthy way in my article on social media addiction.
Loneliness Among Male Veterans
In terms of my own research, the social transition faced by veterans returning to civilian life puts them at risk of experiencing loneliness.
One Canadian veteran recounts his experience transitioning into law school after the military. He states:
“[At law school] you’re in a large group, but ultimately you’re alone…. In the military you can bet someone is always looking out for you… you’re always accountable to one another – which is a great thing – but when you take that away it can be isolating.”
In terms of regaining a sense of belonging, veterans I spoke with found that non-traditional veterans groups were valuable. Treble Victor is one of the groups several individuals found helped them reconnect in civilian life. One individual stated:
“The experience [of transition] had been marked by quasi-isolation and challenges to connect with people. When I got to Treble Victor, I just walked in the room and the group felt very familiar and extremely welcoming, it was very much a social setting that was similar to what I had experienced while I was serving, so the comradery, the openness to connect, and the sense of trust, it’s like meeting family you never met.”
Although this issue is common among all veterans, it was especially difficult for those entering the highly individualistic white-collar professions. The Treble Victor veterans entrepreneurial group is a creative solution to this problem and can perhaps serve as a model for combating loneliness among civilian business-persons as well.
If you’re interested in reading more of my research on veterans, you can check out my articles on veterans in transition.
Preventing the Loneliness that Comes With Success
Although success may be a risk factor for loneliness, there are ways to prevent this issue before it starts. This involves focusing on the quality and quantity of one’s close social relations.
The ability to connect with others facilitates a positive sense of social identity which is necessary for individuals to feel a sense of belonging and significance.
As Hugh Mackay writes in The Good Life:
“…our identity is social at least as much as personal.”
Men’s identities have been traditionally tied to instrumental career attainment, neglecting the maintenance of quality interpersonal ties. This is why, as Joiner says, men are “lonely at the top.”
Retirement or career transitions can also trigger this state – especially in the case of veterans, whose life in the military facilitated deep ties to those they served with, but leaves them often struggling to reconnect in an individualistic civilian world.
Conclusion
Loneliness is a risk factor for success, especially among older men. Preventing loneliness requires one to focus on the quality and quantity of one’s close social relations.
Men who lose meaningful social ties due to an overemphasis on instrumentalism may find themselves lonely at the top.
In addition, those who leave the military lose the social identity formed through deep ties to those they served with.
This is important because loneliness is a significant risk factor for suicide, as well as mortality through physical illness.
Men need to recognize this is a significant issue and take action to work on their interpersonal relations. Lastly, as a society, we need to acknowledge this issue and facilitate men’s social connectedness.
If you’re interested in reading more about how social connection contributes to better overall health, you can check out my article, What Is Social Health?
by Steve Rose | Mar 4, 2019 | Identity, Purpose, and Belonging
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Do you ever feel lost in life?
Or are you bored to death by a soul-destroying repetitive job requiring little to no creativity?
At moments like these, you may feel like your life lacks purpose. But what does it mean to have a sense of purpose?
A sense of purpose means dedicating yourself to a cause beyond yourself. It’s a goal that fuels your motivation in life, giving your life meaning and direction, inspiring you to make a significant contribution to the world.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, you can check out my resource page for suggestions on how to find help.
Purpose Gives Life Meaning
The psychologist Victor Frankl states that humans are driven by the necessity to seek meaning in their lives by committing to a cause or purpose outside themselves.
If an individual is unable to find a meaningful commitment, the suffering they experience leads to despair. If they are able to find a meaningful commitment, any suffering they experience will be met with resilience and the strength to preserver toward their goals.
Frankl is a living example of this philosophy since he survived two concentration camps in Nazi Germany through his commitment to the goal of rewriting and publishing his book that was nearly finished before being taken away when he entered the camp. His book can be found here: Mans Search for Meaning.
Since this drive to find meaning is essential for human beings, according to Frankl, a lack of meaning leaves an “existential vacuum” whereby one is susceptible to a state of despair.
We often ineffectively cope with this form of suffering by conforming to others, seeking simple fleeting pleasures, or by demonstrating superiority over others. All of these routes lead to unconscious suffering since they simply repress the existential vacuum produced by the lack of meaning. They do not actually fill the vacuum by creating meaning.
In other words, rather than feeling the pain, it is numbed by the temporary pleasure of stimulants, depressants, or the feeling of superiority. This is the root of addiction.
Working toward a meaningful goal is replaced by drugs, alcohol, excessive television-watching, internet games, or on the other hand, an obsession focused on success or acquiring power over others.
Purpose Gives You Direction
I often hear people accuse others of being lazy. This is especially true regarding the baby-boomers attitude toward millennials who are perceived as self-entitled brats who don’t know the value of hard work and can’t put their phones down.
“Kids today…” they say; “…they are not willing to work hard as we did.”
Is there an epidemic of laziness among today’s youth? Or is this another case of an older generation in misalignment with values, beliefs, and norms of a younger generation.
I don’t believe there an epidemic of laziness. Today’s youth are not lazy, they are lost. Unlike the baby boomers, millennials can’t rely on a standard life-course involving smooth and predictable transitions between each stage.
Baby boomers are right when they say, “the world was simpler then.” Social structures were much more stable, bound by stronger cultural norms regarding gender, sexuality, as well as the meaning of adulthood and family.
If you didn’t fit into normal gender ideals, sexual orientations, or take on normal adult responsibilities, you were probably marginalized and considered weird.
Now, everything is becoming weird. Actually, weird is the new cool. Millennials are freer to experiment with the way they present their gender, who they engage with sexually, and how they make their money.
Although we’ve seen progress regarding tolerance, millennials are now tasked with navigating a highly fluid, highly complex social milieu where there are fewer clear signposts directing them along their life-course.
Today’s youth see a multitude of paths but don’t know which way to go. Simply finishing high-school no longer guarantees a long line of employers offering you a position. Even finishing a post-secondary degree can’t guarantee that! Personally, I’ve finished three post-secondary degrees and still wonder if I’ll ever have stable employment.
There has been an explosion of both opportunity and uncertainty. Today’s youth are not lazier than the last generation’s, they are just more lost.
Human beings function best with a clear sense of direction and purpose. Remember those essay assignments in school when the teacher told you to just write whoever you want? They were always the hardest.
When the regulations are clear, students thrive. When they are vague, students flounder, put it off, or take much longer to complete the assignment. Loosely structured assignments do not cause students to become lazy; the lack of regulation makes them feel lost.
We need to look at how our social environments may be doing the same thing.
Nietzsche tells us that when we have a “why” we can overcome almost any “how”. Rather than berating millennials, calling them lazy and unmotivated, we need to consider whether or not they have something to be motivated to move toward.
In a world with so many options, we need to offer forms of institutional support that can provide direction for youth who are coming of age in this complicated age.
This may come in the form of updated career counseling classes in schools, peer-support groups for young entrepreneurs, or community programs that give young people a chance to apply and build on their unique skills.
What is the Meaning of Life Purpose?
A sense of purpose is key to living a meaningful life. It is the heart of passion and it can bring us to deeper levels of long-term happiness, providing resilience amidst great hardships.
A sense of purpose is something we often talk about wanting, seeking, or having, but it is somewhat elusive in our world of ongoing life-projects, characterized by multiple careers in a highly fluid world.
So what does purpose actually mean?
The concept of “purpose” comes from the Anglo-French “purpos” referring to an intention, aim, or goal. Broadly speaking, it can refer to purposely getting drunk on the weekend, purposely caring for your loved ones, or even purposely putting the toilet seat down; therefore, purpose is goal-oriented action.
In order to talk about the specific type of purpose I alluded to in the intro, we will need to refine the concept. But before we can refine the concept, we need to figure out the role of purpose in one’s life. This means defining the purpose of life-purpose.
In other words, the purpose of life-purpose can be called the end-goal of life-end-goals, the end of all other ends, or the ultimate end. In regular English, this simply translates to the question: why do we do what we do?
Luckily, Aristotle is a handy tool that can be used to fix this particular type of philosophical entanglement. Aristotle states that happiness is the ultimate end, meaning that all other goals are in some way directed toward the goal of happiness.
Therefore, the purpose of life-purpose is happiness. But before moving further, we need to look at what Aristotle means by happiness.
Distinct from hedonistic fleeting pleasures, Aristotle conceptualizes happiness as “eudemonia” which translates to “good spirit,” or in other words, “living well.” For Aristotle, living well/ living a good life means living virtuously in accordance with one’s reason, based on his ethics of moderation laid out in the Nicomachean Ethics.
To summarize the conceptual progress thus far, we can say that the purpose of life-purpose is to direct one toward living a good life. Therefore, a sense of purpose in life is distinct from the sense of purpose one feels during everyday goal-oriented tasks like grocery shopping because it acts as an overarching meta-purpose.
What this means is that it is a purpose that shapes all other purposes in alignment with an idea of the good. For example, if one’s life-purpose is heavily governed by a commitment to the flourishing of one’s children, one’s goals while grocery-shopping may be shaped by this overarching goal, moderating the type of foods one chooses to buy.
Therefore, the function of life-purpose is regulative. It curbs our short term desires/ hedonic purposes in order to align our actions in accordance with a conception of the good.
To again recap, I first established that the purpose of life-purpose is to direct one toward a conception of a good life. I then established that life-purpose has a regulatory function. Since both its purpose and function are morally regulative, life-purpose can also be called, “moral purpose.”
Aristotle refers to the concept of moral purpose when he states: Character is that which reveals moral purpose, exposing the class of things a man chooses or avoids. Aristotle’s virtue ethics places a strong emphasis on character development through individual will-power.
I want to pose a sociological counterbalance to Aristotle’s existentialism. In other words, I want to go deeper into the concept of moral purpose by demonstrating its social basis.
Sociologically, the concept of morality is strongly rooted in the work of Emile Durkheim. Similar to Aristotle, Durkheim makes a link between morality and happiness:
But it appears fairly certain that happiness is something besides a sum of pleasures. Pleasure is local; it is a limited affection of a point in the organism or conscience. In short, what happiness expresses is not the momentary state of a particular function, but the health of physical and moral life in its entirety.
For Durkheim, making fleeting pleasures one’s primary purpose is to live in a constantly unsatisfied anomic state of unregulated desire:
Unlimited desires are insatiable by definition and insatiability is rightly considered a sign of morbidity. Being unlimited, they constantly and infinitely surpass the means at their command; they cannot be quenched. Inextinguishable thirst is constantly renewed torture. To pursue a goal which is by definition unattainable is to condemn oneself to a state of perpetual unhappiness.
Although complete happiness is a goal that is unattainable, the goal of eudemonia is a distinct pursuit since it is the end at which all things aim. The pursuit itself is the fulfillment of eudemonia, not an end-goal.
Although Aristotle and Durkheim share a comparable definition of happiness, Durkheim is a helpful tool for getting at the social source of moral purpose, distinct from its manifestation through individual willing. In other words, Durkheim helps us understand the types of social environments that facilitate moral purpose.
Durkheim states, “for the sentiment of duty to be fixed strongly in us, the circumstances in which we live must keep us awake.” He places emphasis on the importance of strong social bonds that facilitate a sense of duty. Examples include religious life (in traditional contexts) and one’s occupational group (in modern contexts). Durkheim states:
…when community becomes foreign to the individual, he becomes a mystery to himself, unable to escape the exasperating and agonizing question: to what purpose?
For Durkheim, moral purpose is bound up with community life.
Put simply, purpose means having a goal that regulates individual action, in accordance with the values of a broader social environment.
How to Build a Sense of Purpose
These days, we’re always being told to find our passion. I think this is pretty bad advice.
It’s like telling someone who is unhappy to simply “find happiness”. If you’re trying to find your passion in a fog of purposelessness, you’re likely going to stumble around in a directionless haze, tormented by frustration.
Lacking purpose is an issue for many groups including the elderly, retirees, veterans, former high-level athletes, recent graduates, or those going through a mid-life crisis.
Erik Erikson described this phenomenon as the conflict of identity vs. role confusion, experienced in adolescence. I would go further than Erikson and argue this is not just an adolescent issue, but a universal issue that can be experienced at any age. Our sense of self is influenced by our social roles, so any kind of major life transition can provoke an identity crisis, affecting our sense of purpose.
So what is the antidote to purposelessness? Make yourself useful!
In theory, it sounds easy. It’s not too hard to find someone needing help. The problem is that you can’t be useful to anyone else if you’re not being useful to yourself first. So here is step one:
Be useful to yourself. Take care of your basic needs. organize the clutter in your physical environment and the chaos in your day-to-day life. Prioritize your sleep, nutrition, and exercise. If all of this sounds overwhelming, start small. As Jordan Peterson says, “Clean your damn room!” But as he also says, “Cleaning up your room involves cleaning up far more than your room.” Doing something useful for yourself is the first step in reorienting yourself amidst the mental fog of purposelessness. As the fog begins to thin out, you can start to see beyond yourself. This leads to step two:
Be useful to your family or close friends. Once you’re adequately useful to yourself and can help from a place of genuine giving, you can be useful to others close to you. I mention “genuine giving” because many people try to be useful to others without addressing their own needs first. This often results in codependent relationships where you do things for others to fill a lack of self-esteem in yourself. It is an experience of toxic shame where we constantly feel the need to prove ourselves and receive external validation. Once you’ve worked through these personal issues and can engage in close interpersonal relationships based on genuine heartfelt giving, the next step is this:
Be useful to the broader society. Once you’ve addressed your personal needs and can be of service to those closest to you, you can be useful to the broader society. This may happen in various ways. You can be useful in your work, volunteer roles, leisure activities, or even as an activist contributing to some form of social change. The key is that your way of contributing fits your unique personal strengths. Misalignment between your strengths, values, and interests can hinder your level of usefulness and the resulting level of purpose you feel toward the role. Finding alignment between your abilities and your role requires first knowing your strengths and cultivating them.
Since I recently turned thirty, I can say this is the greatest lesson I’ve learned during my twenties. Throughout the past decade of post-secondary education, I’ve had to constantly adjust the focus of my sociological studies to keep the purpose alive.
In the beginning, it was hard to imagine how sociology could be useful beyond the walls of academia, but that didn’t matter at the time. As in step one (be useful to yourself), sociology helped me make sense of the world, improved my critical thinking skills, and built my knowledge of history, politics, and human behavior. I learned how to write, how to present, and how to conduct myself in a professional environment.
Studying sociology was useful for me, but once I started my doctoral program, I questioned whether this was enough. It was hard to see how theorizing about “modernist discourses in a post-structural context” was useful to the broader world. Social theory often turns into an intellectual game of 3D chess played among career academics creating ever-new cleverly articulated problems that may or may not have any relation to the world outside the ivory tower. Luckily, I learned a lot while becoming skillful in the art of intellectual language games, but I had only been useful to myself.
After the first year of my doctoral program, my purpose became foggy. I asked myself, “What is the purpose of a university?” I knew the answer had to be something beyond self-enrichment, but I had become so entangled in theoretical jargon, I couldn’t even come up with a real problem to study. Here is an embarrassing excerpt from my original dissertation proposal draft:
“I will address the cultural meaning of technology in the context of recent developments in prosthetic technologies…. Building on the calls for a sociology of impairment that goes beyond the impairment/ disability dualism, while remaining critical of technological progress by engaging in a sociology of the prosthetic in order to consider the cultural meaning of technological enhancement for bodies marked as impaired.”
I was deep in the fog and couldn’t connect my own skills and interests to a broader social need. If you’ve been following my blog, you may know by now that I have come a long way since then. By the end of my second year, I began reading war memoirs and discovered that many veterans are having serious issues adjusting to civilian life. They were struggling to find purpose in a world where they no longer feel useful. This was the moment I knew what I needed to study. I could make myself useful by shedding light on this important issue.
Shortly after discovering a renewed sense of purpose, I started this blog. It has served as a way to work through ideas in dialogue with non-sociologists, helping me keep my focus relevant and in touch with real issues.
Since graduating three years ago, I’ve learned how to be useful in therapeutic contexts, working directly with individuals who suffer from an addiction. As I continue learning and practicing, hopefully, my usefulness grows, fueling a sense of purpose.
I never expected to end up in the addictions field. Simply trying to find a passion was not enough. I had found a passion for sociology but needed to rethink my usefulness to maintain the passion.
If you have lost your passion for something or are struggling to regain a sense of purpose after a major life transition, consider how you can make yourself useful to yourself, your family, and the broader society.
As Emerson states, “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful…”. When you put happiness first, you find disappointment. When you put usefulness first, happiness follows.
A Sense of Purpose Can Save Your Life
“If you try to do only for yourself, you’ll only get so far in life. If you reach out to touch other people, you can fix your own soul.“ Bryan A. Wood
This idea was inspired by a comment from a fellow blogger who said this philosophy saved his life. He writes:
…once I’ve accepted that my life is fundamentally expendable, no longer worth living, I get on with it and do what I can, each act of generosity makes me feel better about myself, rebuilds my confidence if not my validity, sometimes it’s a long hike, a very long time alone.
when a caller at a distress centre where I volunteered asked once if I had found my own reason for living after my own bouts with myself, I answered that maybe it was to be there to help him, where would he be if I weren’t? I think that helped us both.
I’ve encountered this same sentiment of salvation through service in my interviews with Canadian veterans of Afghanistan. Upon leaving the military, one veteran stated:
You lose the sense that you are serving your country. Serving your country tends to be an undervalued activity, but it is one that veterans have embraced. Unlike any other profession, they put their life on the line. What they are looking for is something like what they just left, and that doesn’t exist anymore, so that’s why so many people don’t actually leave the military; they go to the reserves or they go into organizations that deliver projects to the military or they go on as trainers.
This individual stated that his step-son who also served in the Canadian Forces valued service and that although he embraced the value of his generation of making a lot of money in the banking industry, his heart was in public service and he spent a great deal of his spare time serving his military reserve-unit.
With service comes a sense of contribution. Therefore, losing the community one served creates a need to regain a sense of contribution. As one veteran states: “no one tells us, ‘hey, you’re still worthy of making a contribution.'” Facilitating social environments that give veterans the opportunity to apply their skills in civilian professions allows them to potentially regain a sense of service, reducing the risk of suicide in this population.
People die by suicide because of a sense of thwarted belonging and a perceived sense of “burdensomeness“ as discussed by Thomas Joiner. Therefore, even individuals who belong to a supportive group and are surrounded by loved ones may still be at risk of suicide of they feel like a burden to these people. The opposite of burdensomeness is the sense of meaning and purpose that comes with contribution/ service to a cause larger than oneself. A sense of meaning through service provides psychological resilience amidst the darkest states of suffering.
Conclusion
A sense of purpose means finding a sense of commitment to a goal or cause beyond yourself. When you lack a sense of purpose, you feel lost, unmotivated, and have difficulty finding meaning in life. Addictions are a common way to cope in the short term, compounding the issue in the long term.
If you are lacking a sense of purpose, it might be helpful to consider ways to make yourself useful. This does not necessarily mean waiting until you have advanced skill-sets. You can simply start by being useful to yourself and those around you.
by Steve Rose | Aug 16, 2017 | Identity, Purpose, and Belonging
On the go? Listen to the audio version of the article here:
As a sociologist, the concept of identity has been an important part of my research. Over the years, I’ve come to realize that a simple dictionary definition does not explain the depth of the various forms of identity.
Digging through the academic literature on identity, I’ve developed a deeper understanding of the meaning of identity and its multiple forms.
What is the deeper meaning of identity?
Identity can be defined in three different ways: self-identity, social-identity, and role-identity. Self-identity is how you identify with your personal characteristics, social-identity is how you identify with a group, and role-identity is how you identify with a particular social role.
Self-identity is generally what people refer to when they talk about identity. It is your thoughts about your personal characteristics, interests, and skills. For example. one may identify as being an outgoing person who is skilled in a particular area of study.
Social-identity is how you identify as a member of part of a larger group. For example, one may identify as being a fan of a particular sports team.
Role-identity is probably one of the least discussed forms of identity and consists of how you identify with a particular role within a larger system. For example, one may identify as being part of a particular workplace.
Role identity is distinct from social identity since it consists of having a particular purpose within a larger system rather than merely identifying with a broader category, like being a sports fan.
Let’s dig deeper into the research to gain a better understanding of the meaning of identity and what constitutes a healthy identity.
What is a Healthy Identity?
Healthy identities are interdependent, whereas unhealthy identities are dependent.
Dependent identities are found in seeking external praise and are sought as a way to escape from an inner sense of low self-worth.
Interdependent identities are one’s secure sense of one’s own values and skills and a sense that one is connected with a broader social group.
Unhealthy dependent identities are often found in codependent relationships. In Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Kasl defines codependency as the following:
…someone whose core identity is underdeveloped or unknown, and who maintains a false identity built from dependent attachments to external sources — a partner, a spouse, family, appearances, work or rules. These attachments create both the illusion of a self and a form from which to operate… to survive in a world defined by others… (knowing) more about those in power than about himself or herself.
Codependent relationships are mutually destructive. In the case of addiction, a caregiver’s sense of self-worth may be dependent on taking care of a substance-dependent individual, enabling their addiction.
Codependency is self-destructive since the caregiver’s lack of self-esteem and personal boundaries leads to a state of personal neglect, resentment, and sense of victimhood.
So what makes a healthy interdependent identity?
“Interdependence” refers to our ability to work together in complimentary roles, becoming more than the sum of our individual parts. As Erik Erikson states:
Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.
Healthy identities maintain a balance between authentic personal boundaries and social contribution.
This means they are simultaneously independent and related, rooted in a fundamental sense of self-worth.
Let’s dig deeper into the concept of self-worth and look at how it is affected by our social contexts.
How Self-worth Affects Identity
Those growing up in dysfunctional family environments may lack a fundamental sense of self-worth, causing them to seek a sense of significance in ways that are unhealthy, unsustainable, and dependent on external validation.
To gain a sense of significance, some take on the hero role, seeking praise for their achievements. Some become jokesters, making others laugh while suppressing their inner turmoil. Some become rebels, seeking approval from deviant peer-groups. Lastly, some may retreat into isolated fantasy worlds. These family roles are highlighted in the book Another Chance by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.
Coming from a dysfunctional family plagued by addiction, individuals take on one or more of the above roles, carrying the negative long-term effects into adulthood.
These may include underdeveloped coping strategies, low self-esteem, acting out, attention-seeking, self-isolation, drug use, gambling and sexual addiction, hoarding, work addiction, codependency, in addition to heightened levels of mental health issues including depression and anxiety.
Overcoming these negative effects requires confronting the unique role one has played throughout childhood, develop personal boundaries, and regain a sense of significance.
Let’s take a closer look at the hero role mentioned previously.
One way individuals attempt to gain a sense of self-worth is through the identity of the hero. At an early age, this consists of over-achievement and praise seeking, but can later turn into codependency. This occurs when the individual becomes dependent on an addict/alcoholic for their sense of identity.
Under the guise of being “the responsible one”, they feel like a victim, living in a state of anxiety amidst the chaos of addiction. The enabler feels like they need to hold everything together, taking on extra responsibilities, while trying to change the alcoholic through manipulation that quickly fails, breeding discontent.
“If I don’t do it, who else will?” the enabler asks.
While they manage to hold the dysfunctional household together, they are also unknowingly contributing to the addiction by making excuses for the addict, taking on the extra responsibilities so the addict does not experience the full negative consequences of their behavior.
Specific enabling behaviors may include calling the addict’s workplace to lie about why the addict cannot show up, taking on extra employment to compensate for financial strain, in addition to keeping the household in working order to compensate for the addict’s neglect. This role sacrifices one’s personal boundaries, leading to resentment.
The identity of the victimized hero provides a false sense of self-worth, rooted in a mutually destructive codependent role.
Without the enabler, the addict faces the full consequences of their behavior; without the addict, the enabler loses the unhealthy foundation to their false identity that protects them from having to experience their inner lack of self-worth. Their high achievements and/or moral excellence in the eyes of others provide external validation, but this is still only a thin veneer hiding their inner guilt and sense of “not being enough”.
Frustrated, they may project their inner criticisms of themselves onto others. Like the Jungian Shadow, they despise in others what they truly despise most in themselves.
This criticism of others causes resentment among others who begin to perceive the hero as arrogant and difficult to be around because of the high expectations placed on them. But this high expectation of others is a projection used to cope with their high expectations of themselves.
The problem is that the expectations of the hero are just as unattainable for others as they are for the hero, leading to a spiral of constant disappointment and distancing social relations.
If you are interested in reading more about this topic, you can check out my article, The Ultimate Guide to Helping Someone Change
Identities gained from toxic roles fueled by a low sense of self-worth are the opposite of identities gained from healthy roles fueled by a secure sense of self-worth.
Rather than being drawn to play a dysfunctional role to gain a sense of self-worth, individuals who have a sense of self-worth pursue healthy roles and maintain a sense of personal boundaries. Secure attachments during early childhood foster this fundamental sense of self-worth.
What Veterans Can Teach Us About a Healthy Identity
The military is a great example of institutionalized interdependence. Identities are built within a system of distinct, yet related, roles where one’s unique skills, abilities, preferences, and character, all contribute to an organization with functional capacities beyond the sum of its individual parts.
So if military identities are interdependent, why do so many veterans suffer from an identity crisis upon transition? Wouldn’t this imply their identities are dependent, and therefore, unhealthy?
In some cases, veterans do hold onto a dependent identity. Not all serving-members enter with a strong fundamental sense of self-worth. They may use the military similar to a ‘codependent’ or a ‘hero’.
With it’s promise of heroic honor and national pride, individuals who lack a fundamental sense of self-worth or belonging may find themselves attracted to this type of role.
Although this may occur, identity crisis upon transition is not simply a matter of these particular individuals losing a dependent identity.
Veterans who have a strong fundamental sense of self-worth and construct interdependent role identities within the military may also experience an identity crisis upon transition.
This is not because their identities are dependent, but because the social conditions within which they are able to contribute are taken away. In occupational limbo, they maintain a military identity without yet having built a sense of interdependence within the civilian world.
This is one of the major lessons I learned throughout my research on Veterans in Transition. The modern world is full of uncertainty and individualism.
If you are interested in this topic, check out the my Veterans in Transition articles.
Although veterans highlight this issue, it is something that can be experienced by anyone living in the modern world.
How Identity Crisis is a Social Issue
Without the clearly defined social roles and strict moral guidelines of the past, we find ourselves constantly moving in and out of new roles in the modern world.
Job-hopping was once a sign of an under-performing employee; but now, job-hopping has become the norm. Millennials are expected to have six different jobs on average, throughout their adult life.
Whether we like it or not, we are forced to constantly redefine ourselves and our place in the world. Erik Erikson coined the term ‘identity crisis’ to describe this phenomenon.
Writing in the mid-twentieth century, Erikson generally reserved the concept of identity-crisis for the adolescent stage of development. Now, characteristics associated with the adolescent stage are extending into all areas of life. Teenagers are no longer the only ones trying to find themselves.
Established professionals no-longer find themselves in the stable work-arrangements once known when baby-boomers were moving into the job market. Even baby-boomers are now forced to adjust to this new social environment.
Many have either lost their jobs due to outsourcing, had to redefine their role due to the changing demands of the high-tech workplace, deciding to change jobs to take on more fulfilling work, or are retiring and are trying to redefine their new role outside of the professional world.
Identity and role confusion are no longer limited to the adolescent stage of the life-course. It is a social phenomenon affecting every stage in the life-course.
Perhaps we can call this the adolescentification of society. We are all engaged in the work of identity negotiation and renegotiation, trying to find our place in a shifting social order.
If you are interested in reading more on the topic of uncertainty in the modern world, you can check out my article, Finding Purpose in Uncertain Times.
How an Unhealthy Identity is Constructed on Social Media
Recall the roles often played to gain validation in the family context. Some take on the hero role, seeking praise for their achievements. Some become jokesters, making others laugh while suppressing their inner turmoil. Some become rebels, seeking approval from deviant peer-groups. Lastly, some may retreat into isolation.
These same roles can be played in the context of social media.
Hero roles can be sought in social media.
Previously, I talked about heroes as perfectionists and high achievers, seeking parental validation. Beyond this limited definition, social media heroes come in many forms, seeking external validation through posts.
Recent neurological research used functional neuroimaging data finding “gains in reputation” to be the primary reward stimulus for individuals displaying compulsive social media use. In simple terms, seeking self-worth through likes.
Using social media for validation makes us less satisfied.
A 2016 study surveyed 1787 19-32 year old men and women, finding social media use was “was significantly associated with increased depression.” Another 2016 study found “taking a break from Facebook has positive effects on the two dimensions of well-being: our life satisfaction increases and our emotions become more positive.”
How you use social media makes a difference.
According to another 2016 study on the correlation between Facebook and well-being found, “specific uses of the site were associated with improvements in well-being.” So what made the difference? Individuals who used Facebook to build relationships with strong ties received the benefits, while those who used it for wide broadcasting did not.
If you are interested in reading more on this topic, you can check out my article, Why We Are Addicted To Social Media: The Psychology of Likes.
Conclusion
We need to recognize how the roles we play influence our identity.
In addition, we need to recognize how our fundamental sense of self-worth affects the type of roles we take on. Our self-worth can be damaged by toxic family environments, in addition to a host of additional forms of social violence and traumas.
Prevention requires combating these negative social influences and being mindful of the roles we play.
Role-identity is the intersection between self-identity and social-identity.
It is a form of self-concept tied to our place within a functional or dysfunctional social system.
An unhealthy identity stems from a fundamental lack of self-worth, compensated by dependent relations for the purpose of external validation.
A healthy identity stems from a fundamental sense of self-worth, facilitated by interdependent relations.
Here is a summary the theoretical model I have laid out:
- Our identities come from the ways we define ourselves in relation to the social roles we play (Based on Erik Erickson’s concept of “Identity vs. role confusion”).
- If we lack a fundamental sense of self-worth, we often take on toxic roles, creating unhealthy identities.
- Early childhood attachment experiences significantly affect our fundamental sense of self-worth.
- Beyond clinical interventions and introspection, we need to consider ways to prevent these issues by facilitating better social environments, particularly among children, adolescents, and persons undergoing major life transitions.
